How To Deal With a ‘Control Freak’

You can’t avoid all the so-called “control freaks” of the world, so you have to find a way to peacefully coexist with them. And though it can be tough, it can be done.

Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, explains the mindset behind controlling behavior and shares tips for managing the controlling people in your life.

How to identify controlling behavior

One of the main ways to identify controlling behavior is to notice how the other person’s actions make you feel.

“People who try to dominate you can be exhausting and suffocating,” Dr. Albers says. “Their actions may make you feel like you can’t breathe — like you’re trapped in their ways.”

While it might seem like people with control issues have an agenda to take charge of your life, Dr. Albers says that’s not always the case. More often, the desire to control is driven by fear and anxiety.

“People who have control issues experience a lot of anxiety, and they try to control things to reduce their anxiety level,” she explains. Though “control freak” certainly isn’t a medically recognized term, the behavior at the root of it can sometimes stem from deeper psychological issues, like:

• Anxiety disorders
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
• Personality disorders

“People who exhibit controlling behavior tend to have a psychological need to be in charge of things and people around them,” she adds. “This often includes circumstances that can’t be changed or even controlled.”

8 strategies for dealing with control freaks

People with control issues can pop up throughout any area of your life, from bosses and coworkers to friends and relatives.

To be clear, this isn’t about dealing with people whose need for control becomes abusive. In those cases, the best and safest way forward is to seek support to end the cycle of abuse. When we talk about “control freaks” here, we’re referring to people who might be a little too particular, especially about the little things.

“They tend to create a type of toxicity that’s tricky to navigate,” Dr. Albers notes. “Often, you can’t just cut them out of your life. So, you have to learn how to skillfully navigate their nature.”

Try these tips for doing so.

1. Reframe your perspectives

The word “freak” isn’t exactly a polite term — and thinking of people as “control freaks” can affect how you feel about them, which can influence the way you approach your interactions with them. But switching up the language you use (even if it’s just in your own head) can soften your negative associations and prime you to act in more level-headed ways.

“The negativity of the term can make you automatically feel angry toward these people,” Dr. Albers points out. “Instead, you might tell yourself that people with control issues like to take charge of things.”

This is especially helpful because people with control issues don’t always realize they’re doing it, and they can’t always see how their actions are affecting others. Recognizing that may help you feel more empathetic toward them. And that can influence your attitude as you try to deal with their actions.

2. Point out their behavior as it happens

“Sometimes, people with control issues genuinely don’t realize how their behavior is coming across,” Dr. Albers reiterates. “Pointing it out to them can shine a light on it.”

Plus, if you let your feelings fester, you may explode later. So, when someone with control issues tries to take over — whether it’s a project at work or a bachelorette party with friends — it’s important to call out their actions in the moment.

“Calmly point out how it makes you feel at the exact moment when it’s happening,” she advises. “This helps clearly connect the feeling with the event.”

So, what does that look like in practice? You might say, for example, “Right now you’re telling me how I should run the meeting tomorrow. I feel like you don’t trust me to do a good job.”

3. Say no … gently

You deserve to make your boundaries known. But sometimes, tone makes all the difference, and a firm “no” may make things more difficult to manage.

“For someone who has control issues, hearing the word ‘no’ can be very triggering,” Dr. Albers shares. “It can compel them to double down.”

Instead, she suggests using what she calls “gentle nos.” Rather than saying, “No, I’m not doing that,” try something along the lines of, “What I’m going to do is…” or “Another way of doing this is…”

4. Don’t invite opinions

When you’re dealing with someone who has control issues, you may feel like you have to ask them for their opinion to avoid conflict. But Dr. Albers encourages you to stand firm in decisions you feel strongly about — starting with the way you present or discuss them.

“Instead of saying, ‘What do you think about…’ say, ‘Here’s what I’m doing,’” she recommends. “You can also only give vague or high-level details about what’s going on in your personal or professional life so that they don’t have as much of an opportunity to weigh in on or critique your decisions.”

5. Give them something to control

People with control issues thrive on ... well, the ability to control things. You can make things more manageable by providing positive, constructive activities that accommodate that need.

“Give them tasks that you aren’t enthusiastic about,” Dr. Albers suggests. “This doesn’t mean punishing them with horrible projects. But you may be able to assign them more mundane tasks that they’ll actually really enjoy doing.”

Let’s say your mom is a little too involved in (and opinionated about) your wedding plans. Sounds like a great time to ask her to figure out the seating arrangements or to work with the cranky caterer! It’s a win-win: She gets to own a project from start to finish, and you don’t have to deal with the stress of it.

“By channeling the other person’s need for control into a harmless outlet, you protect your own peace,” she says. “And once they’ve completed a project, be sure to thank them for ‘taking charge.” (Wink, wink.)

6. Choose your battles

Some things are worth holding your ground over — and others aren’t worth the time, energy or argument.

“When it comes to minor decisions, sometimes, it’s just easier to allow people with control issues to do things their way,” Dr. Albers notes. “Think of your emotional energy as a budget — and end it wisely.”

If it doesn’t truly matter where you eat lunch or dinner, let them decide. If your partner has strong feelings about paint colors and you can’t reaaally tell the difference between Soothing Sage and Peaceful Pistachio, let them make the final call.

But Dr. Albers cautions that doesn’t mean giving them complete control across the board.

“Allowing them to do everything their way isn’t good for you or your relationship,” she says. “This will only cause resentment and anger.”

7. Take the high road

People with control issues may tap dance on your last nerve, but do your best to have patience in your interactions with them. And never hurl insults.

“Something is always driving a need for control,” Dr. Albers reminds us. “And if it’s due to a psychological disorder, telling them that they’re acting like a jerk isn’t going to fix the problem.”

8. Find a support system

It can be overwhelming to deal with a control freak on a daily basis. That’s why you need a supportive network of people who will back you up and allow you to vent.

“When you’re dealing with a controlling person, you may feel guilty or like you’re doing something wrong or unwise whenever you don’t do it their way,” Dr. Albers acknowledges. “It’s always good to check in with a neutral party who can reinforce that your opinion matters and is valid, too.”

Final thoughts

You can’t always change a controlling person. But you can change how you respond to them.

“The goal isn’t to ‘win’ control,” Dr. Albers states. “The goal is to stay calm, confident and kind, even when someone else can’t — and that’s real control.”