Are Men Less Likely To Have Friends?

Compared with women, men tend to have fewer friends — and the friendships they do have are often less deep. Why is this important? It’s because strong friendships are vital to our mental health.

“The topic of men and friendships is often overlooked, but it shouldn’t be,” says psychologist and men’s mental health specialist Adam Borland, PsyD.

So, we asked Dr. Borland why it seems like many men have no real friends and what they can do to change that situation.

Why are men’s friendships so important?

“Friends are the people in our lives that we choose,” says Dr. Borland. “We create and maintain these relationships by choice, unlike your family members, who you don’t really get to choose.”

Creating meaningful, strong relationships with people outside of your family provides you with:

• Bonding.
• Connection.
• Motivation.
• Support.
• Validation.

Building meaningful friendships also can help combat loneliness and isolation, feelings that can significantly impact mental health. Establishing solid relationships creates opportunities for mutual support and trust-building.

Deep friendships allow you to show someone you’re not just there for the good times, like watching a game or going out to a bar or restaurant.

“You get to be there for someone during the difficult times, too — and hopefully, they do the same for you,” says Dr. Borland. “These closer relationships are incredibly important for mental and physical health.”

Why do so many men have no friends or lack close friendships?

It’s not unusual for men to have few or even no close friends. “And often, male friendships can be somewhat surface level,” notes Dr. Borland.

Here are some common barriers to close male friendships and how to overcome them:

Deep friendships require vulnerability

“Friendships typically require a level of emotional vulnerability that men may not be familiar or comfortable with,” shares Dr. Borland.

In his therapy practice, Dr. Borland says he helps men learn how to ask for and receive help. Ideally, this mutual support is what a good friendship can provide.

Men are often taught that showing this kind of vulnerability is a weakness that makes them less masculine. But in reality, vulnerability is the opposite of showing weakness. It’s a statement of strength.

“By opening up to someone, you’re giving them a gift — the gift of getting to see your true self,” explains Dr. Borland. “And in a friendship, you’re allowing someone else to give you that gift in return.”

But how do you develop vulnerability? It’s about expressing your emotions.

“It starts with recognizing your own feelings,” he continues. “It may sound simple, but it can start with saying to yourself, ‘I’m sad, worried or scared.’” Having this kind of vulnerable conversation with yourself leads to having it with someone else.”

Friendships require time and energy

Maintaining adult friendships requires communication and effort. “When you had friends down the street growing up, it was easy,” recognizes Dr. Borland. “Often, those childhood or early adulthood friendships were based on convenience.” As adults, friendships take more work.

“Men typically don’t prioritize friendships the way women do,” he adds. “Men may not invest the time and emotional energy into these relationships.”

But you can start now. Try reaching out to friends regularly. Spend time talking and listening to each other to create deeper bonds.

Life can make friendships challenging

“We also have to look at things like age and life situation,” notes Dr. Borland. “As men get older, it may be harder to find similar-age friends.”

Other factors that can make it more difficult to create and maintain friendships include:

• Caring for a sick spouse.
• Financial hardships.
• Increased focus on career.
• Relocation.

“The COVID-19 pandemic, when more people weren’t working in an office, also affected male friendships,” says Dr. Borland. “It led to more social isolation among men.”

Hardships and changes can make it challenging to maintain friendships. But even if you don’t have time to meet in person, try keeping in touch by phone. Challenges are opportunities to ask friends for help, deepening your relationship with them.

Why your romantic partner isn’t a replacement for friendships

“Plenty of people identify their spouse or significant other as their best friend, and that can be great,” says Dr. Borland. “However, there’s room for other meaningful relationships. It’s important to have friendships outside of your significant other.”

Focusing all of your relationship efforts on your significant other can put too much pressure on your partner and the relationship. It can also create codependency.

In a codependent relationship, there’s a dramatic imbalance in the give and take between two people. “It essentially comes down to reliance,” says Dr. Borland. “Are you too reliant on each other? Do you feel like you can exist as yourself, apart from the other person?”

In a healthy dynamic, “You can be in a meaningful relationship. But you also have your own lives where you spend time with other people and still feel comfortable and confident in your relationship,” he adds.

In the movies, you may see a couple who check all of each other’s boxes. “In reality, that’s rarely the case,” says Dr. Borland. “It’s OK to have a variety of people in your life who check different boxes, as long as these are genuine relationships.”

Strong friendships allow you to be yourself

“In our society, we often go into relationships wearing a sort of mask,” says Dr. Borland. “The mask is what you think is expected from you. But things behind the mask may not match.”

When you have a friend you can really open up to, you can remove the mask of expectations and societal pressures. It may feel scary at first, but ultimately, it can be a huge relief to be your true self.

You may realize you can’t take off that mask with your current friends. Maybe they just aren’t willing or able to go deeper with you.

Dr. Borland says there’s nothing wrong with keeping those friends in your life, but having people you can be authentic with is important. You can seek out different types of friendships at any age. Learn more about ways you can make new friends as an adult.