Surviving the ‘Terrible Twos’: Tips and Tricks

If your once-easygoing toddler now meets every request with a firm “no,” turns diaper changes into a wrestling match or responds to minor disappointments with an Oscar-worthy meltdown, congratulations — sounds like you’ve entered the “terrible twos.”

Despite the unfortunate name, the terrible twos aren’t a sign that your child is difficult or that something’s wrong with your parenting. Frustrating as they may be, the terrible twos are a normal stage of development, as toddlers begin asserting their independence and learning to navigate big feelings.

Developmental and behavioral pediatricians Carrie Cuffman, MD, and Mary Wong, MD, explain why toddlers do the things they do and share strategies to help your family navigate this challenging — but mercifully temporary — phase.

What are the terrible twos?

The terrible twos are a stage of early childhood when your toddler begins testing limits, expressing strong opinions and feeling their feelings in big ways. It often starts sometime between 18 and 24 months, though some children don’t hit this phase until later.

During this time, you may notice behaviors like:

• Frequent tantrums or meltdowns
• Saying “no” to just about everything
• Wanting to do things without your help (even when they absolutely need a hand)
• Difficulty sharing or taking turns
• Hitting, biting or throwing objects when frustrated
• Rapid mood swings
• Resisting routines, like getting dressed, brushing teeth or going to bed

In short: Gallons of feelings in a pint-sized package.

“Parents often wonder, ‘Where did my sweet child go?’” Dr. Cuffman relays. “But these behaviors are a normal part of development.”

Developmental changes

As frustrating as the terrible twos can be, they’re usually signs that your toddler is growing in big and exciting ways.

“The goal of a 2-year-old is to become more independent,” Dr. Cuffman explains. “They’re discovering they have opinions and preferences, but they don’t yet have the language or emotional skills to express them. And that causes a lot of frustration.”

Several developmental changes come together during this stage to create a perfect storm of terrible twos behaviors:

• Growing independence: Your toddler wants to make choices and do more things on their own, even when they still need your help.
• Big emotions: Feelings like frustration, disappointment and excitement come easily, but learning how to manage them takes much longer.
• Developing language: Toddlers can understand far more than they can articulate. That gap between knowing what they want and being able to communicate it can lead to meltdowns.
• Testing boundaries: Children learn by experimenting. Pushing limits helps them understand where the line is and which behaviors are acceptable.
• Rapid brain development: Every day brings new skills, which can make this stage exciting. But it can also make things unpredictable and sometimes overwhelming.

“Every behavior has a reason,” Dr. Cuffman says. “When you understand what’s driving your child's behavior, it becomes easier to respond in a way that helps them learn.”

Tips for managing common terrible two behaviors

Tantrums, frustration and constant negotiating are often par for the course with an increasingly assertive toddler. But how you respond can make a big difference in your child learning to direct their energy in more productive ways.

“While there is no quick fix for undesirable toddler behavior, you can take steps to help things go more smoothly when the terrible twos emerge,” Dr. Wong says.

She recommends these strategies:

• Stay calm. When your toddler loses control, it’s important to maintain yours. “Children look to adults to help them regulate their emotions,” Dr. Wong says. “The calmer you remain, the more likely your child is to feed off that.” Take deep breaths, and give yourself permission to briefly walk away to keep your cool.
• Acknowledge feelings. Your child doesn’t need you to fix every disappointment. Instead, help them name what they’re feeling. Simple statements like, “I know you’re frustrated,” or “You’re disappointed because we have to leave grandma’s house,” validate their emotions while reinforcing rules and boundaries.
• Don’t reward tantrums. Giving in during a meltdown teaches toddlers that tantrums work. “If you give in to your child when they throw a fit, they’ll learn that’s how to get what they want,” Dr. Wong states. Instead, stand firm in your “no,” and wait until your child has calmed down before discussing what happened.
• Redirect their attention. Toddlers have remarkably short attention spans — make that work in your favor. When a meltdown is brewing, redirect them toward another activity. If they’re climbing on the coffee table, invite them to build a pillow fort instead. If they’re grabbing breakable decorations, hand them a favorite toy.
• Respect the nap. Sometimes, the issue isn’t defiance. It’s exhaustion. “Tired children have a much harder time managing their emotions,” Dr. Wong explains. (That can go for adults, too!) Making sure your kid is getting enough sleep can prevent many meltdowns before they begin.
• Don’t let them get too hungry. Getting “hangry” is real — and it’s a recipe for an outburst. Sticking to regular mealtimes and packing healthy snacks before errands or long outings can help head off some tantrums before they start.
• Prepare your child ahead of time. Transitions are hard for toddlers. Before heading into a store or leaving the playground, let your child know what’s coming. Dr. Wong recommends setting expectations ahead of time so surprises don’t become struggles.
• Look for the reason behind the behavior. Not every tantrum is about testing limits. Looking for the underlying cause can help you decide whether your child needs comfort, a snack, a nap or simply time to calm down.

Life after the terrible twos

The good news is that the terrible twos won’t last forever. As children’s language skills, emotional regulation and self-control continue to develop, tantrums usually become less frequent and less intense. For many families, things begin to improve sometime between ages 3 and 4, though every child develops at their own pace.

“Remember that your toddler isn’t trying to make your life difficult,” Dr. Cuffman reassures. “The toddler years are a time of rapid growth — physically, mentally and socially. They’re learning how to be their own person.”

Dr. Wong agrees that consistency is key: “This stage can be frustrating. But with patience, predictable routines and lots of love, your child will continue to develop — and so will their ability to handle life’s big emotions.”

If you’re worried about your child’s behavior or concerned that it’s a sign of a medical condition, talk with a children’s healthcare provider. They can help you find the best strategies for helping your toddler thrive.