What To Know About Glass Child Syndrome

If you have a sibling (or several), you know those relationships can be complicated under the best of circumstances. But what if your sibling has a medical issue or disability? One that requires extra time and attention from your parents or caregivers?

Well, that can get even thornier. And that family dynamic can play a significant role in shaping your character.

Children growing up in the shadow of a sibling with special needs sometimes develop “glass child syndrome.” Pediatric psychologist Kate Eshleman, PsyD, walks us through the pros and cons that come with it. She also offers advice for parents who want their child without special needs to feel important, too.

What is glass child syndrome?

Glass child syndrome describes your experience of having a sibling with special needs. By “special needs” we mean they have a medical, behavioral or developmental condition that requires extra support. That may mean you get less attention from your parents, which can leave you feeling overlooked.

“The parents are so focused on the child with special needs that they kind of look right through the other siblings,” Dr. Eshleman explains.

Glass child syndrome isn’t a medical diagnosis. It’s a way of describing a family dynamic that nobody really chose — least of all, your sibling. But it can still have a long-term impact on you if your practical or emotional needs go unmet.

How it manifests in children and adults

Are you wondering if you or your child has glass child syndrome? As it’s not a medical condition, there isn’t a list of symptoms to refer to. But certain traits and behaviors are a good indicator that a child feels unseen.

Glass children tend to:

• Grow up fast and act more mature (and anxious) than other kids their age
• Experience parentification, meaning they take on family responsibilities that aren’t developmentally appropriate, like paying the bills or translating at the doctor’s office
• Overwork (thanks to their perfectionist and people-pleasing tendencies)
• Struggle with creating and enforcing healthy boundaries
• Project an image to the world that says, “I don’t need or want help” (Which isn’t true: All children need and want parental attention.)
• Feel guilty asking for help, care or attention because they know how hard their parents work to care for their sibling

Over time, a quiet resentment can build, as their unspoken needs go unmet. Many glass children feel ashamed about being jealous of their sibling. That further compounds their guilt and self-criticism.

“Look for changes,” Dr. Eshleman advises. “When glass child syndrome becomes more serious — when it’s elevated to a clinical level — we see symptoms of anxiety, depression, adjustment disorders or conduct disorder.”

Those symptoms include:

• Sleeping too much, too little or poorly
• Regressive behaviors (like bed wetting, thumb sucking or tantrums)
• Appetite changes
• Weight gain or loss
• Hyperactivity or fatigue
• Difficulty concentrating
• Changes in academic performance
• Mood swings
• Behavioral issues like bullying, lying or backtalking
• Clinginess
• Isolation or withdrawal
• Attention-seeking behavior

Glass child syndrome isn’t a mental health condition. But the experiences they have growing up make glass children more vulnerable to mental illnesses. And those conditions do have identifiable symptoms. As a glass child enters adulthood, they may develop mental health conditions like:

• Anxiety or panic disorders
• Clinical depression
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Eating disorders
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• Complex post-traumatic stress disorder

Factors that impact glass child syndrome’s severity

The psychological impact of glass child syndrome varies based on several different factors. Here are a few of them:

• The onset of the sibling’s health issues. It’s one thing to have a sibling born with Down syndrome or cystic fibrosis. It’s another to have a previously healthy sibling develop cancer, struggle with addiction or sustain a traumatic brain injury (TBI).
• The developmental ages of the children involved. Is there a large age or maturity gap between the children in the family? It could make a gap in parental attention feel less personal.
• The parent-child relationship. No household is perfect. But some are more harmonious than others. And that changes how a child perceives the parental attention they do get.
• The significance and degree of the needs going unmet. Did dad stop cooking his five-layer lasagna every Sunday? Or do you spend dinner alone because your folks are at the hospital? Has mom never been to a single softball game, or does she only miss when your sister has a seizure?
• Cultural differences. Gender roles, birth order, religious affiliation: Social expectations of all sorts can shape family dynamics. They also change how children feel about the sacrifices they have to make for their sibling.
• The ability to express stress or distress. Is it OK in your family to cry? What about seeing a therapist or taking time for self-care? Healthy coping mechanisms can minimize the effect of glass child syndrome.

Getting help for glass child syndrome

OK. You have glass child syndrome. All the pieces fit. But what are you supposed to do about it?

You don’t have to do anything. Just having this insight about yourself can be extremely valuable, Dr. Eshleman states.

“This information can help you connect the dots, see the bigger picture and understand your past,” she adds. “It starts to make more sense why you felt that way at that time. Or why you think or act this way now.” That insight can lead to better communication with your parents and siblings.

And if you want to change your mindset or behavior, connect with a therapist. They can teach you coping skills and help you adjust your self-concept and relationship dynamics.

Can it be avoided?

Are you concerned about the impact your family dynamic has on your nondisabled child? Before we address that concern, it’s important to make two things clear:

1. Being a glass child isn’t all bad. Not everyone experiences a “glass childhood” the same way. Sure, there are downsides. But Dr. Eshleman says there are positive attributes associated with glass children, too. Glass children tend to be empathetic, resourceful, and passionate advocates for others. Don't force a silver lining on your kid. But don’t be surprised if they’re proud of the way they’ve grown up either.
2. You can’t “avoid” raising a glass child. “Having a glass child is not an intentional act,” Dr. Eshleman stresses. “It’s not something you do to your kid. It’s the result of the demands that the situation places on you, as a parent.” What’s more, all children remember their childhoods differently from their parents. For better or worse, you can’t make a kid feel supported. All you can do is your best.

With those thoughts in mind, here’s Dr. Eshleman’s advice for making a glass child feel seen.

Talk about it

If you worry your child’s being affected by a family dynamic you can’t easily change, it’s worth a conversation. So, create a safe space for that talk to happen.

You do that by using active listening skills and plenty of patience. And not taking the things your kid says personally. Remember, your child is a child. They may be mature, but they aren’t experts at talking about their emotions.

It’s not just that they have confusing, conflicting feelings. It’s that they want to protect you as badly as you want to protect them.

“Children often recognize that their parents are going through these additional stressors. And they don’t want to add to them,” Dr. Eshleman explains. You may need to tell your kid outright that their feelings matter, and that hearing them won’t hurt you.

Remember: It’s never too late to talk to your child. Whether they’re 6 or 60, they can gain meaningful insight from a conversation about glass child syndrome.

“Even as adults, talking through past experiences can be valuable,” Dr. Eshleman notes. “We can’t change the past. But sometimes, it’s helpful to get a new understanding of yourself and explain how it felt growing up.”

Let them lean on their support system

In an ideal world, you and your kid can have open, honest conversations about how their sibling’s situation affects them. But for a whole host of reasons, not everybody’s able to have those discussions.

That’s OK. Remember: You aren’t the only person in your child’s life.

“Your kid may not want to talk to you about it because they can see how stressed you are,” Dr. Eshleman shares. “But maybe they can talk to the school counselor. To their coach. Or maybe their best friend’s mom can lend an ear.”

Whomever your kiddo confides in can help you better understand their needs. They may even be able to help you devise strategies to address them.

Ask for help

“Oftentimes, families don’t like asking for help,” Dr. Eshleman says. “But think about it this way: If your sister or best friend were in the same situation, you would want to help.”

It may hurt your pride a little. But calling on others in times of need can reduce the impact a sibling’s special needs have on your other children. It also reduces the chances you’ll burn out.

If your support network can provide respite care, that’s fantastic. But caregiving isn’t always a transferable task. Luckily, other people investing time and energy into your child can make a difference, too. A game of catch with a godparent, a slumber party at a cousin’s house or weekly tutoring sessions with a family friend can help your kid feel supported.

Set realistic expectations

Dr. Eshleman emphasizes that caring for your children isn’t an all-or-nothing activity.

“It’s about finding time and space to focus on each child within the household, without placing expectations on yourself you can't meet,” she says.

Chaperoning a field trip or coaching a little league team may be too much to ask. But you might be surprised how loved your kiddo can feel knowing they have 10 minutes of snuggling to look forward to every night.

Offer them a seat at the table

It may seem counterintuitive, but one way to make a glass child feel seen is to treat them like the caregivers they are.

Invite them to attend their sibling’s Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) meeting. Offer to explain what a special needs trust (SNT) is. Ask if they want to be included in conversations about their sibling’s future — especially if they may eventually become their primary caregiver.

There are many ways to include children, based on their age and developmental level. They’re welcome to decline. But asking demonstrates you respect their insight. And that you see and appreciate the caregiving they provide.

Know your resources

Dr. Eshleman says there are lots of organizations for parents of children with special needs. And many of them provide resources for parenting non-disabled siblings, too. Some even offer sibling support groups.

Start with groups devoted to your kid’s diagnosis. Then look at sibling support, caregiver support and respite care organizations.,

Finally, check to see what’s available in your area. You may not find a ready-made community. But your local library, rec center or arts league probably has something to offer.

Give yourself some grace

Guilt is an issue most parents struggle with, whether it’s warranted or not. Counter blame, shame and negative thoughts with the self-compassion you deserve.

“It’s an incredibly difficult situation,” Dr. Eshleman concedes. “We can all identify with the fact that there are a finite number of hours in the day. And there’s only so much you can get done in those hours. When parents are in impossible situations like this, they have to prioritize.”

Your top concern needs to be your children’s health and safety, especially if one of your kids is a risk to themselves or others. Attending to your family’s basic needs first isn’t neglect. It’s recognizing the very real limitations on your time and resources.

“I recommend parents give themselves some grace,” Dr. Eshleman encourages. “The goal is to do the best we can as parents. Not to be perfect.”