Always Coping, Rarely Seen: Explaining Glass Child Syndrome

By Jenn Lonzer, MA

I was the “easy” kid. The helper. The quiet one. I got good grades, stayed out of trouble and tried hard not to need much. I didn’t realize until much later that all of this was at least partly a response to growing up with a sibling who needed more — more attention, more care, more of our parents’ time and energy. My needs? They often slipped through the cracks.

I learned recently that this experience has a name: glass child. It’s not a clinical diagnosis, but the emotional toll can be very real.

Pediatric psychologist Kate Eshleman, PsyD, helps shine a light on what it means to be a glass child, what it looks like in adulthood and how you can begin to heal. Dr. Eshleman also shares advice for parents who want their child without special needs to feel seen, too.

What is a glass child?

A glass child is someone with a sibling who has a medical, behavioral or developmental condition that requires extra support. Our needs can often be overlooked by our parents and caregivers, who spend most of their time caring for our sibling.

In this case, “glass” doesn’t mean fragile. Far from it! We often grow into resilient, mature and responsible adults — not because we wanted to, but because we had to. We may strive for perfection, take on too much and throw ourselves into achievement, hoping to earn the attention we rarely got.

Even though it’s more of a family dynamic than a specific diagnosis, there can be long-term impacts if your practical and emotional needs aren’t met as a child.

What it looks like

Many glass children grow up fast, often feeling older (and more anxious) than our peers. We might step into parenting roles beyond our years, like translating at medical appointments, helping with caregiving or offering emotional support to our parents.

For instance, when I was in first grade, my mom and I took long walks where she shared her feelings about my sister’s disability. Throughout elementary school, I cared for my other siblings, changing diapers and later, dressing and taking them to school.

As glass children, we may also overwork, struggle to set boundaries and seem self-sufficient — even though we’re quietly craving care and connection. I tried to please my parents. I studied hard and sacrificed friends for caregiving because I wanted to make things as easy as possible for them. I was a sounding board for them when I desperately needed someone to talk to. I didn’t have words for it at the time, but — as my needs went unmet — the emotional toll was building.

Every family is different, and every glass child will have their own experiences. If you’re concerned this might be happening to your kids, Dr. Eshleman guides parents to watch their children for signs, like:

• Sleeping too much, too little or poorly
• Regression (like bed-wetting, thumb-sucking or tantrums)
• Appetite changes, weight loss or weight gain
• Mood swings, anxiety or depression
• Difficulty concentrating or slipping grades
• Clinginess or withdrawal
• Attention-seeking or disruptive behavior

These symptoms can become more serious if ignored, she says.

Looking back, I can see how much I internalized. In middle school, I developed severe anxiety around being late or “messing up” — like the world would fall apart if I wasn’t perfect. It took years to unlearn that urgency, and I still work on it. During my teens and 20s, I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. I finally started to get better when I was treated for complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in my 30s.

Others may develop:

• Panic disorders
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
• Substance use issues

While these mental health conditions aren’t caused by being a glass child, the experience can make us more vulnerable to them, especially if we’ve spent years trying to cope without support.

Why it happens

Having a child with special needs can be exhausting. “Parents often spend more time with caregiving tasks for these kids, ushering them to appointments and navigating the system,” notes Dr. Eshleman. “All of this can take parents’ attention and resources away from their other children.”

This can change a child’s relationship with their family. It can also change how we view ourselves, according to research.

As glass children, we feel less important than our siblings. We may be asked to care for our siblings — or our parents. We’re impacted by our parents’ stress. We avoid telling our parents when we’re mad, sad or scared.

Even though we may turn out to be successful adults, the impact of growing up like this can change us in ways that others may not see — because we may strive to meet our own needs or keep our problems invisible.

What should glass children do?

You’ve just realized you have glass child syndrome. What should you do about it?

You don’t have to do anything. Just having this insight about yourself can be extremely valuable, Dr. Eshleman shares.

“This information can help you connect the dots, see the bigger picture and understand your past,” she says. “It starts to make more sense why you felt that way at that time. Or why you think or act this way now.” That insight can lead to better communication with your family and a better understanding of why you do the things you do.

And though we can’t change our childhoods, Dr. Eshleman reassures that we can still work toward healing. She recommends these steps if you’re ready:

Talk to your family about it

You may have complicated feelings about your parents. It’s common to want to protect them, even when you needed more protection yourself. But sharing your experiences can be the first step to feeling more visible. “Talking through past experiences can be valuable,” Dr. Eshleman says. “Sometimes, it’s helpful to get a new understanding of yourself and explain how it felt growing up.”

Set realistic expectations

Our parents and siblings may not welcome conversations about how we were overlooked as kids. Occasionally, my family conversations about being a glass child have felt less like reconciliation and more like being re-traumatized. So, make sure you have the safety net you need before opening up.

Lean on your support system

Sometimes, the people who help us feel safe aren’t in our family. For glass children, the outside support can be life-changing. Teachers, coaches or neighbors can help us feel seen and valued in ways our family couldn’t.

For me, it started with Mrs. Brown, my first-grade teacher. She saw how overwhelmed I was — and gave me space (sometimes, sitting on her lap) to write and draw, and simply let me be a kid. I didn’t know it then, but she made me feel seen.

Later, there were others — a sixth-grade teacher who nurtured my creativity, high school teachers who believed in me, a pastor who listened without judgment. These weren’t grand gestures. Just small, steady acts of care that helped me feel like I mattered.

We may not keep the same people as we grow, but their impact lasts. And we can keep building those kinds of connections — at any age.

Consider a therapist

If you want to change your mindset or behavior, connect with a therapist. They can teach you coping skills and help you adjust your self-concept and relationship dynamics.

Help for parents raising a ‘typical’ child and one with high needs

Many parents of glass children feel guilty and wish they’d had more time with their “typical” child.

“It’s an incredibly difficult situation,” recognizes Dr. Eshleman. “We can all identify with the fact that there are a finite number of hours in the day. And there’s only so much you can get done in those hours. When parents are in impossible situations like this, they have to prioritize.”

Parents can:

• Ask for help. Often, families don’t reach out when they need help, Dr. Eshleman says. “But think about it this way: If your friend or sibling were in the same situation, you’d want to help by offering respite care or investing in them so they don’t burn out.”
• Avoid asking us to do things that kids shouldn’t be responsible for. As glass children, we can feel uncomfortable saying no. So, don’t ask us to do things that aren’t developmentally appropriate. We’re likely to say yes, simply because we want to please you.
• Find time for every child. “Make space to focus on each child — even if it’s a few minutes each day — without placing expectations on yourself that you can’t meet,” Dr. Eshleman advises. Cuddling with your kiddo before bed or first thing in the morning can give them something to look forward to.
• Let us know how you wish things were. Tell us that you want to spend more time with us, but don’t share your feelings of parental guilt. Although it’s no replacement for quality time or having our needs met, knowing you want to may help.
• Get us support. Dr. Eshleman says there are lots of organizations for children with special needs. Many of them also provide resources for parenting non-disabled siblings. Some even offer sibling support groups.

What wasn’t said, what still matters

Being a glass child shaped who I am — in ways that are both painful and powerful. I still carry some of those old patterns: staying quiet, overachieving, putting others first. But now, I understand why. And that understanding lets me start showing up for myself the way I always wished someone would for me.

If this sounds familiar, I hope you know this: Being a glass child isn’t something you chose — and it’s not something you need to justify. Your experiences, feelings and needs are real. You were never “too much” for wanting attention. You were never wrong for needing care.

And it’s never too late to feel seen.

*About the author: Jenn Lonzer, MA, has a special needs sibling and experienced the loss of another sibling to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). She self-identifies as a glass child.