How To Deal With (and Maybe Even Prevent) Toddler Tantrums

From mini-meltdowns to full-blown fits, toddler temper tantrums can be incredibly stressful — for you and your child.

This phase won’t last forever, but it can feel never-ending when you’re in the thick of it. Developmental pediatrician Carrie Cuffman, MD, shares tips for dealing with the emotional frenzy and knowing when to seek help.

Understanding toddler tantrums

The toddler years are a time of rapid growth — not just physically, but mentally and socially, too.

“Around age 2, kids are developing the ability to form their own opinions and preferences,” Dr. Cuffman explains. “Their goal is to become more independent, and tantrums are their way of trying to exert that independence.”

When little ones want to do something that doesn’t align with their ability, or when they want something they’re not allowed to have, they get frustrated and angry. They also typically don’t have the language skills to express themselves or ask for help. All of that can create the perfect storm for a fit to brew.

Tips to help your toddler

The goal isn’t to prevent tantrums altogether. That’s not possible, as kids don’t yet have the emotional maturity to manage or even fully identify their feelings.

But how you help your child through their fits teaches them important lessons about emotions — ones they’ll carry with them as they grow up. Dr. Cuffman shares strategies to help.

1. Figure out what kind of tantrum it is

Sometimes, kids have tantrums because they want something, whether it’s a toy at the store or crackers for dinner. Other times, their fits are a way to get attention.

Identifying which type your child is having can inform the best way to respond.

• If they want your attention: “In these cases, you don’t want to give them your attention,” Dr. Cuffman advises. “You might say, ‘I’m sorry you’re mad, but we’re going to move on to something else,’ and then ignore the rest of the tantrum.”
• If they want something: If your child is upset about something they can’t do or have, ignoring them may not be the move. “It’s often more appropriate to soothe them a bit while you wait for them to calm down,” she says.
• If they need something: Don’t try to wait out tantrums driven by exhaustion, hunger or illness. “Those tantrums aren’t appropriate to ignore,” Dr. Cuffman states. “We still want to teach kindness and model empathy.”

2. Keep calm

Strive for patience with your child, as yelling is both hurtful and ineffective.

“Think about an argument between two adults who are getting angry at each other,” Dr. Cuffman illustrates. “Both people getting angry doesn’t help either of them calm down.

“Kids have far fewer emotional regulation skills than adults do. So, it’s on you to stay calm in order to help kids become calm.”

3. Label their feelings

Again, toddlers aren’t yet old enough or mature enough to understand emotions. But tantrums actually present a learning opportunity.

“It can be very helpful to label their feelings,” Dr. Cuffman says. “When you say, ‘I see that you’re mad,’ you’re teaching your child the words for what they’re experiencing, so eventually, they’ll develop the ability to say, ‘I’m mad,’ rather than just screaming.”

4. Resist the urge to go in depth

When your child is mid-meltdown, avoid offering long explanations or trying to engage them in deeper conversation about how they’re feeling.

“Toddlers aren’t super rational in general, but they’re even less rational at the peak of a tantrum,” Dr. Cuffman points out. “Nothing you say in that moment is going to stick, and it won’t stop the tantrum.”

5. Comfort them, but don’t give in

Head off tantrums over the long run by learning to say (and stick to) “no.”

It can be so tempting to cave and let your toddler have their way. But if you give in to their demands now, it will only be harder to stand firm next time, Dr. Cuffman says.

“You can still console them without giving them what they want,” she adds. “This is when you say, ‘I’m sorry you’re mad. But we’re not going to do that right now,’ or buy that right now, or whatever it is they’re upset about.”

6. Wait it out

If your child is throwing a fit to get your attention, Dr. Cuffman says the best thing to do is to firmly but respectfully ignore it.

“You don’t tell a toddler, ‘I’m going to ignore you,’” she explains. “Instead, calmly let them know you’ll be nearby while they work through their big feelings, and that you’ll talk or help once they’re calm enough to listen.”

That can be hard for parents to hear, much less to do. But without firm guidelines and expectations, kids start to learn that throwing a tantrum gets them what they want.

7. Remove them from the situation

Public screaming and crying can be embarrassing, which can make it harder for you to stay calm.

“It’s always best to be firm and say, ‘I’m sorry you’re mad. But we’re not going to do that right now,’” Dr. Cuffman reinforces. “But if you feel that you need to leave, it’s OK to do so.”

Remember: Nearly every parent in history has experienced a toddler tantrum at a store or restaurant. Try to take small comfort in the fact that any parents in the vicinity understand what you’re going through.

Can tantrums be prevented?

Toddler temper tantrums are a normal part of child development, so they’re going to happen at some point. But certain strategies may help you head them off.

• Identify triggers. Recognizing tantrum triggers can help you set expectations. For example, before going to a store, you might remind your child that you’re there to shop for groceries, not buy toys.
• Let them choose. Giving your toddler options lets them feel in control, which can help ward off tantrums. For example, let them pick between two snacks to eat or two shirts to wear.
• Keep a schedule. Lack of sleep and/or “hanger” can cause irritability, which can trigger big emotions. Avoid it by planning outings at times when your child won’t be hungry or tired, and keep healthy snacks on hand.

You may also be able to spot a tantrum in the making, based on telltale signs like whining, making angry faces and saying “no!” a lot.

“If you suspect a tantrum is coming, you can try to redirect your child, either verbally or physically,” Dr. Cuffman encourages. This could mean:

• Changing their environment, like going outdoors or into another room
• Suggesting a new activity
• Pointing out something interesting
• Asking for their help with a task
• Doing something funny to distract them

It doesn’t always work. But it’s worth the effort to try.

When to ask your pediatrician for help

Though toddler tantrums are developmentally normal, there are times when you should bring them up with your child’s provider. Pay attention to:

• Length: Toddler outbursts often arrive and depart fairly quickly. Talk to their pediatrician if your child is consistently having hours-long fits that you can’t bring them down from.
• Aggressiveness: “If your child is having such significant tantrums that they’re regularly hurting themselves or other people, that should be brought to a pediatrician’s attention,” Dr. Cuffman urges.
• Frequency: If your child is having major meltdowns every day or even multiple days a week, their pediatrician may want to evaluate them to figure out whether something else is going on.

When you’re in the middle of the tantrum stage, it can feel like it’s going to go on forever. But this behavior diminishes with age, typically winding down around age 4.

In the meantime, if your toddler’s tantrums seem problematic or otherwise concerning, ask your pediatrician for help. They’ll evaluate your child and offer guidance and support to help your whole family move forward.