How To Identify and Heal From Golden Child Syndrome

Golden child syndrome is a family dynamic where parents see and treat their child as perfect. Parents shower them with praise and attention — and don’t hold them responsible for bad behavior. Some golden children develop an arrogant, self-centered worldview as a result. The parents also hold their kid to unreasonably high standards, so their child feels defined by their successes and failures. If a golden child has siblings, they’re usually either overlooked or scapegoated.

This dynamic seems to show up most often in households where one or both parents have either narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or narcissistic tendencies. But there’s not much research out there to confirm that.

“It’s important to keep in mind that ‘golden child syndrome’ is a pop culture term, not a diagnosis,” says psychologist Kate Eshleman, PsyD. “There’s no clinical definition of the term and it’s not been studied much. But the concept can still help people better understand and address their past.”

Common signs of a golden child

Wondering if you have golden child syndrome? Dr. Eshleman says the following eight traits are good indicators.

Identity formation problems

Our interactions with other people can teach us who we are, what we’re good at, what we want and about our place in the world. For many golden children, their narcissistic parents disrupt that process — or take it over. They create an identity for their kids. And that identity isn’t stable.

As they grow up, many golden children:

• Struggle to find their unique, authentic selves
• Change their personality to make the people around them comfortable
• Find it hard to make decisions or be independent

People-pleasing

It’s not always true, but many golden children grow up believing that their parent’s love is conditional. So, they work extra hard (and sacrifice their own needs) to “win” their affection. That people-pleasing tendency can lead to perfectionism, exploitation, resentment and burnout.

Lack of responsibility

“Some golden children grow up believing they can do no wrong because their parents don’t make them accountable,” Dr. Eshleman shares. Being raised in a house where actions don’t have consequences can:

• Make it harder to apologize to (or empathize with) others
• Encourage blame-shifting
• Make it difficult to accept constructive criticism
• Cause issues with emotional regulation (like temper tantrums)
• Make you feel like you don’t make a difference
• Promote negative attention-seeking behaviors

Sense of self-importance

Many golden children grow up feeling (or hearing) that they’re superior to others. That they deserve special treatment. When that perception butts up against reality, it can be extremely upsetting.

Growing up too fast

Parentification is a common experience for golden children. Putting a kid on a pedestal creates age-inappropriate expectations. From providing for the family financially and taking over childcare duties to devoting every free moment to study, many golden children never actually get to be children.

Strained relationships with siblings

In the classic TV sitcom The Brady Bunch, middle child Jan is deeply jealous of her “perfect” older sister, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” Dr. Eshleman says that sort of sibling rivalry is common in families with a golden child.

“When one child in the home is the parent’s focus and receives all the positive attention, it can create a lot of conflict,” she notes. “It impacts both how the siblings feel about each other and how they feel toward their parents.”

Fear of failure

Trying new things, making mistakes, taking risks: That’s what childhood (and life) is supposed to be all about. But it’s hard to do those things when you’re under pressure to perform.

“There’s an expectation that golden children excel. Their parents expect perfection — and teach them to expect it, too,” Dr. Eshleman explains. “But perfection’s unattainable. So, golden children frequently struggle with anxiety. That intense fear of failure can last into adulthood.”

Self-esteem issues

Golden children often struggle with insecurity. That includes golden children with narcissistic tendencies. Dr. Eshleman notes that golden children’s self-esteem can only ever be so strong when it’s tied to their accomplishments (or their parents’ approval).

Impact on relationships and self-esteem

All of the traits that make up golden child syndrome have the potential to follow us into adulthood. But how do those traits get expressed? Dr. Eshleman says it’s common to have:

• Narcissistic tendencies. “When you’re raised to see and approach the world in a way that’s not realistic, you develop inappropriate expectations of yourself and others,” Dr. Eshleman explains. Not all golden children end up developing narcissistic personality disorder. But according to Dr. Eshleman, it is common to pick up narcissistic thought patterns and behaviors.
• Negative coping skills. Some golden children react to their parents’ unrealistic expectations by underachieving, rebelling or engaging in self-destructive behaviors. Self-sabotage offers a sense of control over their identity. It also means never having to know if they could have succeeded.
• An insecure or avoidant attachment style. Growing up in a home where love is conditional can make adult relationships extra stressful. Golden children may become needy or experience relationship OCD. Or they might avoid relationships to protect themselves against rejection.
• Imposter syndrome. A lot of us worry that the world doesn’t see us for who we really are. That we’re unworthy of the attention or praise we get. That feeling can be even stronger for people with golden child syndrome. They feel like they’re playing a part instead of living their life.
• Mental health concerns. While not always severe enough to be diagnosable, Dr. Eshleman suggests that the pressure and trauma of golden child syndrome may lead to burnout, anxiety and depression.

Tips to heal

Golden child syndrome can do long-lasting harm. But you can heal yourself and build better relationships. Dr. Eshleman recommends you:

• Work with a therapist. A counselor can help unpack your past experiences and negotiate current interactions. If you need to change your mindset or behavior, they’ll act as your guide. “It can be a distressing process,” Dr. Eshleman recognizes, “so it’s good to have a professional supporting you.”
• Build a support network. If you consider yourself a survivor of narcissistic abuse, a support group may be a helpful step on the road to recovery. If not, lean on those you trust to keep you safe and hold you accountable.
• Get to know (and love) yourself. You are not an extension of your parents. You have your own mind. So, take some time to explore it! Write some affirmations. Try that hobby you’ve always been curious about. Figure out what self-love and self-care mean to you and start practicing!
• Identify your triggers. Think carefully: What throws you off balance emotionally? Learn what upsets you. And try, in the moment, to name your feelings as they bubble up. Reflecting will help you understand the impact your past is having on your present.
• Practice mindfulness. Whether you choose to journal, meditate, do yoga or carve out 30 minutes a day for a walk, try focusing your energy on the present moment. What are you thinking and feeling? It’s great for both stress release and healing your inner child.

The way you’re nurtured can impact how you grow up. But with hard work and plenty of support, you can overcome challenges and find your true nature.