Is Avoidant Attachment Style Getting in the Way of Your Relationships?

Out of all four attachment styles, avoidant attachment style often bears the brunt of misconceptions. People can wrongfully assume that someone who has this attachment style doesn’t want anything to do with relationships or intimacy, and perhaps might even have trouble falling in love. But these misinterpretations couldn’t be further from the truth.

Clinical psychologist Kendra Mathys, PsyD, explains just what it means to have an avoidant attachment style and what you can do to stop it from getting in the way of your current and future relationships.

What is an avoidant attachment style?

An avoidant attachment style is an insecure relationship style characterized by a strong discomfort with emotions, a high need for independence and a difficulty feeling close with other people.

This attachment style tends to form during childhood when someone is faced with neglect or negative assumptions about emotional expression. Because of this, relationships often tend to remain a bit more surface-level. Someone with an avoidant attachment style might prioritize short-term relationships or hookups over long-term relationships, but that isn’t always the case.

“With an avoidant attachment style, a person might struggle with building long-lasting relationships or they might have a tendency to withdraw from the relationship if it feels like someone is getting too close,” explains Dr. Mathys.

“The person can feel love and can want close relationships. But it goes back to someone’s core beliefs: They might hold onto beliefs that it’s weak to show emotions or they can’t depend on others because they fear that other people won’t be there for them.”

Causes of avoidant attachment style

Much like the anxious attachment style, the avoidant attachment style often develops because of childhood experiences. For example, someone might develop an avoidant attachment after experiencing situations where they were neglected or guided to suppress their emotions.

“It’s possible the caregiver just didn’t create an environment that encouraged emotional openness,” notes Dr. Mathys. “That might happen when the caregivers aren’t comfortable expressing emotions and don’t know how to cope or regulate emotions themselves.”

Someone might also develop an avoidant attachment later in life if they experience trauma or a series of bad relationships and interpersonal interactions.

“If someone previously had a secure attachment style but experienced something that altered their worldview, that could motivate someone to pull away from intimate relationships,” Dr. Mathys illustrates.

To be clear, that doesn’t mean everyone with an avoidant attachment style doesn’t want a committed relationship. But it might mean that the way they express love and intimacy is likely different from what someone with a secure attachment style might be used to.

For example, someone with an avoidant attachment style might be more inclined to the love languages of gift-giving or acts of service versus words of affirmation or quality time.

Signs of avoidant attachment style

Signs you might have an avoidant attachment include:

• A high need for independence over emotional vulnerability
• Distrusting others when emotions are involved
• Increased withdrawal when someone gets too close
• Self-reliance when it comes to emotional support
• Discomfort with emotional intimacy or expressing their needs

“Emotional intimacy will be much harder for a person with this attachment style, and it might take some unlearning of behaviors to understand how they can get comfortable expressing their own emotions,” shares Dr. Mathys.

Triggers and impact of avoidant attachment style

The negatives associated with the avoidant attachment style tend to emerge during stressful situations when someone feels:

• Pressured to give or receive support
• Forced to be more emotionally intimate in a relationship
• Overwhelmed by the idea of sharing deep, personal emotions

“These experiences can motivate someone with this attachment style to pull away,” states Dr. Mathys.

That means someone with an avoidant attachment style might have an especially difficult time connecting with someone who has an anxious attachment style.

“When there’s a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment together in one relationship, there’s often this push-pull dynamic where the more someone seeks reassurance or wants to get close, the more someone with avoidant attachment is going to withdraw and pull away from the relationship,” she adds.

How to heal avoidant attachment style

If you’re having trouble holding onto relationships or find that it’s hard for you to feel intimately connected to other people on a deeper, emotional level, and that’s something you’d like to change, you may want to consider how therapy can help.

“Before we can talk to others about how we’re feeling, we have to understand what we’re experiencing ourselves. A therapist can help you work through your emotions and build up your self-awareness,” encourages Dr. Mathys.

“It helps to recognize what emotions you’re having and what it feels like in your body when you’re experiencing it when you’re trying to improve the way you react to other people or situations.”

That process often begins with identifying your emotional triggers and learning how to separate one emotion from another.

“Often, when someone is having trouble identifying emotions, they might lump everything together as if they’re just feeling bad,” she continues. “One way we can approach the situation is use what’s called a ‘feelings wheel,’ which is a helpful tool to develop some of the language for the different nuances to our emotions.”

When you start to identify the small differences between emotions like frustration and resentment, for example, you can get closer to understanding the direct cause of those emotions. And as your understanding grows, the easier it’ll become to learn how to respond to those emotions with healthier coping strategies rather than avoid them altogether.

“If maintaining an emotional relationship is important to you and that’s something you’re struggling with, you want to take small steps outside of what feels comfortable and gradually expand that comfort zone,” advises Dr. Mathys.

“You can start with a person who feels safe who you want to express more of these emotions with or someone you want to become closer to.”

It might sound easy, but this sort of thing can take time. After all, you’re learning a new set of core beliefs and coming to terms with the fact that it’s OK to feel whatever emotion you’re feeling. That practice is by and large vulnerable in itself.

“It takes time to build up your self-awareness and recognize your individual patterns,” notes Dr. Mathys. “But you can learn how to identify and express your emotions and your needs and how to increase your comfort of being vulnerable with another person if that is important to you and those you care most about.”