Learn How To Build Trust in Any Relationship

Trust is the most important factor in any relationship, but learning to build that trust can take time. Whenever you’re dealing with a coworker, friend, family member, romantic interest or some other acquaintance, you have a choice on whether or not to trust that person. And just how much you’re willing to trust them depends on a variety of factors. After all, you wouldn’t let just anyone babysit your child or read through your text messages, right?

But how do you get to a place where you can trust someone? And how can someone earn your trust if they’ve never had it before? Psychologist Ramone Ford, PhD, explains why trust takes two people to tango, along with small intentional things you can do to help garner someone’s trust.

What is trust?

Trust is a two-way street that requires an equal exchange of vulnerability. When you trust someone, you’re acknowledging that they have access to an important part of you that you might not share with just anyone.

In turn, the person you trust becomes someone you believe in despite the odds that they may hurt you or betray your trust in some way.

When you trust someone, you’re actually holding that person accountable to specific rules and moral codes that reinforce your safety, support and well-being — which means the person you trust needs to take on the responsibility not to break it. And any ounce of hurt or distrust may lead to developing trust issues down the line.

“Trust is learned over time and it’s based on your faith in the boundaries, limitations and expectations that you set up for each other,” explains Dr. Ford. “If someone says they’ll be home by 5 p.m., I come to trust that promise because I’ve seen it happen over time and they’ve lived up to their word. But if they’re consistently late, I may not trust their ability to be on time.”

How to build trust

Trust varies with different people in different situations.

A corporate boss, for example, might trust an employee to use a company credit card for work expenses, but there are likely rules in place (and an unspoken trust) that suggest the employee won’t use that company card for personal shopping.

In the same way, trusting someone in a monogamous relationship requires a certain understanding of what is and is not acceptable when it comes to physical or emotional cheating.

Now, trust doesn’t always mean you give someone unfettered access to your private thoughts, bank account, text messages or internet search history. Although these limitless behaviors might work for some couples who consent to such activities, others might find them overreaching or (at worst) abusive tactics for someone to gain power and control in a relationship. But trust does require you to be firm and honest about your boundaries, share each other’s expectations and follow through on mutual respect.

Here are some ways you can build trust in any healthy relationship.

Commit to the person you trust

Actively listen to what someone says about their needs, their boundaries and what’s important to them. When you show that you care about their interests, their safety and their happiness, it tells the other person that you appreciate their values and their beliefs. Over time, the more you commit to getting to know someone and building upon that relationship, they’ll come to trust you more easily.

“You want to show the other person that you care about their values and that you’ll be there for them whenever they need you to step up,” reinforces Dr. Ford. “If you want your boss to trust you with new projects or certain obligations, you want to show how passionate you are about meeting their expectations and you want to feel like you’ve represented yourself as a good person for the job. That mentality of showing up to earn someone’s trust works in any relationship.”

Have clear, open and honest communication

It’s easier to be vulnerable with someone when they’re open and honest about their values, how they feel about themselves and the state of the world. Someone wouldn’t trust you with babysitting their child if they didn’t know you were capable of caring for a young person and keeping them safe. So, at every turn and when appropriate, try and be forthcoming about the things you care about the most and what you do and do not appreciate.

“Having these honest communications may feel vulnerable, but that’s the heart of trust,” states Dr. Ford. “You want to show someone who you are at your core, and you want to embody that in every space whenever possible.”

Be intentional with your actions

If you’re authentic about where you stand with your foundational beliefs — meaning your actions support your values — people will trust in your public persona. It’s when you’re insincere that trust falls apart, and there’s no better way to build trust than to actively hold empathy and compassion for other people.

“Ask yourself how you can show up and support someone in their time of need or how you can build better connections with someone,” advises Dr. Ford. “Connection is key to building trust, and you can do that in small or meaningful ways simply by bonding over your shared foundational beliefs or being there when they need someone the most.”

Honor and respect their boundaries

When someone clearly sets up a healthy boundary, and they’re firm about their expectations, believe in what they say and do. You don’t have to agree with everything someone says or does, but nothing shows you can trust someone more than when they respect who you are as a human being.

“Respecting someone’s boundaries is key in any healthy relationship,” reiterates Dr. Ford. “It shows you care about someone enough to take their needs seriously.”

How long does it take to build trust?

Everyone wonders about the answer to this question, but the truth is, trust can take almost any amount of time. You may earn someone’s trust quite easily or it could take some time. It may take even longer if you’ve hurt someone and need to find ways to regain someone’s trust.

But at the end of the day, no matter how much you may want someone to trust you, it comes down to someone’s personal preference, past experiences, confidence in the situation and believability in who you are as a person.

“You can’t control whether or not someone will trust you, but you can certainly put your best foot forward by trying to do some good,” Dr. Ford encourages. “Relationships are built on trust, and it’s up to that other person to decide if they can trust you or not.”