Gray Divorce: Why It Can Happen Later in Life and How To Find Common Ground

“Gray divorce” is a term associated with couples who separate or divorce later in life, which has become increasingly common in recent years. Studies show a sharp increase in divorced adults 65 and older — nearly triple the amount in 1990. The reasons leading up to a gray divorce, as well as the divorce itself, can have a significant impact on both physical and mental health.

Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD, explains what we know about gray divorce and what you can do to minimize complications.

What is gray divorce?

“Gray divorce” is defined as a divorce or separation that occurs later in life, usually at age 50 or beyond. Couples who get divorced at this stage in their lives tend to do so after having a long-term relationship of years or even decades.

Whereas younger couples often divorce because of infidelity, abuse, financial issues or lack of experience with long-term relationships, older couples tend to divorce for a wide variety of issues that add up or pile on over the years.

Reasons people pursue a gray divorce

Gray divorce grew modestly between 1970 and 1990 but doubled in 2010, and the rate continues to climb. Dr. Childs says these changing divorce rates are largely due to longer life expectancies, cultural changes and society’s shifting views on the benefits of marriage.

“It’s not the 18th, 19th or even the 20th century anymore, and staying in a marriage that’s unfulfilling is no longer necessary,” she notes. “Women have a lot more financial stability and flexibility in their lives, and we’re paying more attention to our mental health than ever before. We’re no longer relegated to having to remain in a marriage for financial stability.”

Other reasons for gray divorce include:

• One-sided relationships where partners have different interests, dreams and goals
• Feeling that the marriage has become stagnant
• Lack of fulfillment
• Searching for meaningful connection
• Empty nest syndrome and a need to be independent
• Desire for personal growth, mental well-being and improving quality of life
• Life-changing events, like near-death experiences or surviving an illness

“Gray divorce is often a choice to improve someone’s life and pursue personal growth,” says Dr. Childs. “It takes a lot of courage for people to make this decision, and they’re usually doing it for all the right reasons.”

Do people regret it?

Gray divorce isn’t always a black and white decision. It can be easier for some people and harder for others — and sometimes, people hold onto regrets.

“As human beings, we’re social creatures. Most of us don’t want to be alone. For some people, that’s one of the regrets,” says Dr. Childs. “But when you decide to get divorced, you weigh that against the mental anguish and agony you may have been experiencing within the marriage.”

But there’s an alternative. In some cases, people may choose to stay in what Dr. Childs calls a “silent marriage,” rather than getting divorced.

“In a silent marriage, things aren’t horrible, but they’re not great,” she explains. “These couples are living separate lives, almost like they’re roommates. And they may not want to leave at first because of financial reasons or a fear of being alone. They may eventually decide to get divorced later in life or choose to stay in the marriage because it’s easier for them.”

How to save your relationship

Dr. Childs says the No. 1 solution to saving any relationship on the brink of gray divorce is couples counseling.

“Couples counseling allows you to create a new foundation and a new normal,” she adds. “A trained professional will look to see what the issues are and how best to work through them so you can have a better quality of life in your marriage.”

Dr. Childs also suggests these strategies:

• Find pockets of happiness in your marriage. Schedule date nights, check in with each other once a week and make time for each other’s passion projects.
• Work on communicating. “We need to be able to ask for what we want, speak our truth and have that truth recognized by the other person,” says Dr. Childs.

What to do if you get divorced

If you’ve decided to go through with a divorce, it can be helpful to:

• Grieve and take time to process your emotions.
• Consider maintaining a friendly relationship with your ex.
• Focus on healthy lifestyle habits like exercising and eating well.
• Increase your social connections by joining a community group.
• Work on personal development.
• Make time for personal hobbies, interests and travel.

“Allow yourself to have emotions,” stresses Dr. Childs. “Even though you may have wanted a divorce, it’s still a loss. You’re still changing the fabric of your life with this decision, and you can grieve that. It doesn’t mean you necessarily want it back. It means you’re grieving the life you used to have that will no longer exist. And it’s OK to have those feelings.”