Miserable in Your Marriage? 5 Reasons To Consider a Divorce

Entering into marriage isn’t a decision to be rushed or taken lightly. Neither is deciding to get divorced.

“Divorce is complicated, and knowing whether it’s the right choice for you can be challenging,” says behavioral health therapist Karen Tucker, LISW-S. “Every situation is unique. You need to focus on what’s best for you, not what works for somebody else.”

If you’ve thought about divorce and are seeking answers, you’ll only find clarity by looking inward. Tucker shares her expert advice to help guide your thinking.

When is divorce the right answer?

Divorce is a life-changing decision. It’s natural to wonder whether you’re doing the right thing. But if you’re asking, “Should I get a divorce?” you may be asking the wrong question.

“‘Should’ is the only word I won’t allow in therapy,” Tucker states. “The minute you include ‘should,’ you put outside pressure on the decision. It isn’t about what anyone thinks you should do. It’s about what you want or need to do.”

Instead, she recommends asking yourself, “How do I know if I want or need a divorce?” Taking time to think through your feelings, your options and the state of your relationship will reveal your best path.

If the idea of divorce has crossed your mind, Tucker suggests taking three steps:

1. Validate your thoughts. Recognize that it’s OK to want something to change in your marriage or life, especially if you always feel miserable or dissatisfied or those feelings are growing.
2. Identify concrete reasons you’re unhappy. Suddenly declaring divorce in the heat of an argument is never a good idea. Think about what’s making you unhappy and how much of that unhappiness is because of your marriage.
3. Weigh the pros and cons. How will your life be better or worse after divorce? How will it impact your other relationships? How will the process of divorce affect you and your family?

“It’s about looking at healthy choices versus reacting,” Tucker adds. “Threatening divorce is a reaction to a conflict. Instead, you need to evaluate your marriage and the best choice for your wellness.”

Signs that divorce may be a healthy option

Every relationship and person is different, so no simple checklist or quiz will magically tell you what to do. Whether you’re experiencing a seven-year itch or you’ve been married for two decades, you need to take your thoughts of divorce seriously.

“The reasons you’re thinking about divorce and your pros and cons list may shed some light on your situation,” Tucker notes. “But there are also some hard stops to consider. You may not be willing to tolerate certain things, especially if safety is a concern.”

She lays out some reasons you may consider getting a divorce:

1. You live with a threat of physical abuse

Physical abuse or violence is never, ever acceptable. Even if your partner has never laid a hand on you, the ongoing threat of physical violence is a valid reason to want to leave a marriage.

“A threatening environment isn’t always outright verbal threats. It can also be an undercurrent,” Tucker clarifies. “Knowing your partner has been violent with others, that they own a gun or that they have access to weapons can feel threatening even if they’ve never pointed the gun at you.”

She adds that you’re most at risk when you choose to leave a marriage that involves physical violence. Before suggesting divorce to your partner, consider working with a domestic violence expert or therapist who can help you create a safety plan and establish a support network.

If you’re experiencing domestic violence, get help by:

• Visiting the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call, chat or text this confidential U.S. hotline to speak to healthcare, legal and other service providers for free.
• Search the NO MORE Global Directory. Don’t live in the U.S.? This international directory includes contact information for hotlines, shelters, legal aid, psychological assistance and other resources in almost every country on earth.

2. Your partner emotionally or verbally abuses you

Your emotional well-being is critical to your happiness. If your partner is verbally abusive (that is, if they engage in name-calling, belittling or shaming), it can lead to feelings of resentment, low self-worth and, ultimately, damage to your emotional well-being and self-confidence.

“A red flag is a partner who regularly threatens to leave, calls you names or invalidates your experiences or feelings,” Tucker says. “If you feel attacked emotionally, it’s a major problem.”

She suggests taking a close look at how you and your partner communicate. Is it typically destructive instead of constructive? If so, your relationship may involve some level of verbal or emotional abuse.

3. The marriage involves financial abuse

Financial abuse is another way someone can manipulate or intimidate their partner. Your partner may:

• Conceal financial information.
• Control how the family spends money.
• Expect you to live off an allowance.
• Forbid you from working or keeping a separate bank account.
• Limit access to accounts, assets or any aspect of the family finances.

Financial abuse is common, occurring in 99% of domestic violence situations. Tucker says it can make you feel trapped in the relationship, questioning whether you can provide for yourself or your family if the marriage ends.

4. Your marriage involves infidelity or trust issues

Trust is the foundation for most relationships. When it’s broken or weakened, the effects can be long-lasting. Infidelity (cheating), even in cases of emotional affairs, can cause anxiety, trauma, shame and fighting — all of which can take a toll on a marriage. A 2013 study found that infidelity was one of the leading causes of divorce in the U.S.

“Everybody’s situation is unique, especially when infidelity is involved,” Tucker affirms. Infidelity is often a sign of another underlying problem. Identifying that problem may guide your next steps. “Sometimes, religious beliefs push people to work on reunification. Some couples seek therapy. Others immediately call for divorce. Just make sure you’re making healthy choices and not simply reacting in the moment,” she advises.

5. You’ve identified possible solutions, but nothing is working

Relationship issues are never one-sided, and it’s essential to identify your role in a failing marriage. But if you’ve taken responsibility for your actions and have tried to fix your marriage without success, you may have reached a dead end.

Lack of commitment is a common reason people seek divorce. “Your marriage might be failing if you don’t feel that your partner hears your concerns, validates those concerns or invests in the relationship,” Tucker states. “If a partner refuses to go to marriage counseling, won’t consider a change or doesn’t put work into the marriage, those are valid reasons to consider divorce.”

What to consider before pursuing a divorce

Tucker says it’s critical to imagine life after divorce before asking for a divorce. After all, divorce isn’t simple. It frequently means having to figure out:

• Custody of children or pets
• Finances
• Housing

“Navigating a divorce is complicated,” she continues. “Marriage isn’t quickly undone. It’s never that simple.”

Additionally, although divorce is a personal decision, it often involves friends, family and their opinions. Religious and cultural expectations can also add a level of complexity.

That’s why Tucker recommends identifying the people in your life who can be supportive and nonjudgmental. If you don’t have someone who fits that description, find a therapist to support you.

“Remember, divorce isn’t the only option,” she says. “Collaborative processes involve working with professionals to create a healthy way to separate or end a marriage.”