Verbal Abuse: What It Is, What It Sounds Like and How To Address It

If you’ve ever experienced verbal abuse, you know the old adage “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” isn’t true. Abuse of any kind can do lasting damage — to your mental and emotional health, and yes, also to your physical health.

Psychologist Kia-Rai Prewitt, PhD, explains how to get out of a verbally abusive situation and heal the wounds that hurtful words leave behind.

What is verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse is using language (spoken or written) to harm somebody psychologically, emotionally or socially. Like physical abuse, verbal abuse is about asserting power and control over another person. Not all verbal abuse is intentional, but it’s always wrong.

Verbal abuse may escalate to acts of physical violence. And, rarely, an abuser can convince their victim to hurt themselves or somebody else.

Types of verbal abuse

Dr. Prewitt says that there are many different ways to be verbally abusive. Here are a few examples of behavior that, depending on the situation, may qualify.

• Disparagement. Verbal abuse often looks like an ongoing stream of criticism or judgment. Of course, both criticism and judgment can be good things when they’re shared in a constructive way, with a positive tone. In cases of verbal abuse, the comments are numerous, negative and hurtful.
• Humiliation. If somebody says something about you that’s designed to shame or denigrate you — in your eyes or others’ — they’re engaging in humiliation.
• Gaslighting. This is a manipulative practice that’s designed to make the target doubt themselves, their judgment and, in some cases, reality itself. It’s abusive because it creates (or exacerbates) an unequal power dynamic.
• Blaming, guilt-tripping or scapegoating. Like gaslighting, verbally abusive people often use manipulative tactics to establish dominance, play the victim and control behavior.
• Mockery. If somebody’s calling you names, insulting or ridiculing you (publicly or in private), they’re being verbally abusive.
• Hostility. Intimidating people by screaming and cursing isn’t an acceptable way to communicate and qualifies as abusive behavior.
• Condescension. If somebody uses words to make you feel inferior, unworthy or pitiful in some way, they may be engaging in verbal abuse. Condescension is especially sinister because, like gaslighting, it threatens your self-concept.
• Harassment or threats. If the goal of a conversation is to make you afraid — or make you do something you wouldn’t otherwise do — that counts as abuse. And depending on the threat, it may also be illegal.
• Stonewalling or giving someone the silent treatment. That’s right: Sometimes refusing to talk qualifies as verbal abuse, too.

Signs of verbal abuse

Conflict is an expected, healthy part of human relationships. And we all lose our temper or say things we don’t mean from time to time. So, how can you tell when you’re dealing with verbal abuse?

“If the person that you’re in a relationship with, whether it’s an intimate relationship, a familial relationship, a work relationship or a friendship, is constantly name calling, slinging insults, criticizing or blaming you, you’re probably experiencing a form of verbal abuse,” Dr. Prewitt says. “There are ways to give feedback about people’s actions or behavior without being hostile or rude.”

Verbal abuse and emotional abuse tend to go hand in hand. Dr. Prewitt explains that verbally abusive people often try to convince you to set aside your values, needs, well-being or identity. That’s a form of manipulation because the person isn’t respecting your boundaries.

For some people, Dr. Prewitt says that verbal abuse is hard to recognize because they’ve lived with it all their lives.

“Whether they’ve experienced childhood trauma in their own families or from peers, some people are accustomed to being spoken to in an abusive way,” she explains. “But that doesn’t make the impact any less real. So, if the behavior is harming you, makes you feel lesser or is being used to control you, then something is wrong. Abuse is abuse.”

In the same vein, Dr. Prewitt says people who’ve experienced physical abuse may not always spot verbal abuse. Pay attention to your body: If you’re have a fight-or-flight response to what someone’s saying, it might be a clue that their language is crossing a line.

Here are a few other indications that you’re in a verbally abusive situation.

• They make you feel bad about yourself.
• Seeing that they’ve emailed, called or texted makes you physically uncomfortable or anxious.
• They tell you that you’re “too sensitive,” “hysterical,” “crazy” or “can’t take a joke.”
• You’ve changed your attitude or behavior to make them happy.
• You feel like you need to hide the things they say to you from your friends and loved ones.
• The way they speak about you in public is totally different from what they say to you in private.
• You’re afraid to do or say anything “wrong” — and might not be sure what the “wrong thing” is.
• You spend a lot of time apologizing, feeling guilty or on the defensive.
• You don’t like being out in public with them because they may ridicule or shame you.
• You don’t voice opinions or preferences and keep lots of secrets from them, because you fear how they’ll react.
• You’re concerned that they’ll hurt you or somebody you care about.

The impact of verbal abuse

Verbal abuse doesn’t leave you bruised or bloody, but that doesn’t make it any less serious. It can do lasting harm in many ways, especially to your mental health. A person living in or healing from a verbally abusive relationship may experience:

• Anxiety.
• Depression.
• Difficulty regulating emotions.
• Panic attacks or panic disorders.
• Poor self-esteem.
• Social isolation.
• Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).
• Substance use disorder (SUD).
• Disordered eating patterns.
• Compulsive behavior (like trichotillomania, gambling or sex).
• Self-injury or suicidal thoughts.

The mind and body are deeply connected, so if you’re experiencing verbal abuse, you may feel the impact in your body too. You might show physical symptoms of chronic stress, like:

• Sleeping too much or too little.
• Fatigue.
• Appetite changes.
• Significant weight gain or loss.
• Weakened immune system.
• Headaches.
• Body aches, pains or weakness.
• Gastrointestinal (GI) problems.
• Difficulty concentrating.
• Chest pains.
• Rapid heartbeat (tachycardia) or palpitations.
• Increased blood pressure.
• Increased or decreased sexual libido.

Dr. Prewitt urges you to make an appointment with your primary care provider if you’re feeling physically unwell. Your symptoms may be the result of chronic stress, but that doesn’t make them any less real, or less deserving of treatment. It’s also possible there’s something else going on, so it’s best to get checked out.

How to deal with verbal abuse

According to Dr. Prewitt, once you’ve recognized that you’re experiencing verbal abuse, you have several options for how to respond. Here are a few of them:

• Confront your abuser. “If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, you can try using assertive communication to express that the behavior is not okay and you’re not going to allow it to continue,” Dr. Prewitt says. “Construct and enforce clear boundaries, including consequences for unacceptable behavior.” Are you, your loved ones or your mental health provider unsure that you’re safe? Do you feel uncomfortable having a conversation? That’s OK — you have other options.
• Keep records. Writing down the things your abuser says or does to you is useful for legal and professional reasons. It’s also a good way to counteract gaslighting. If you’re concerned for your safety, be sure to keep these records in a safe location.
• Seek support. Talk to somebody you feel comfortable sharing with or seek the help of a mental health provider or support group. If you’re concerned that the abuse may escalate, call or text 800.799.7233, or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website.
• Report your abuser. If you’re being verbally abused at work or in school, use institutional channels to make others aware of what’s happening. “There are often ways to report these things anonymously,” Dr. Prewitt adds. You may be asked if you’ve confronted your abuser. Dr. Prewitt’s advice? “Be honest. If you’re scared to confront them, explain the harm they’ve done, how it’s impacted you and why you’re intimidated.”
• End the relationship. Before ending a relationship of any kind over verbal abuse, discuss your plans with somebody you trust. If you (or they) are concerned about retaliation, consider putting together a safety plan first.
• Take legal action. If you’re being threatened or harassed or worry that your abuser will become violent, you may need to apply for a protective order or restraining order. But remember that these documents aren’t enough: You also need to have that safety plan in place.

Healing from verbal abuse

Verbal abuse can do serious damage to your sense of self. That’s why Dr. Prewitt recommends connecting with a mental health professional.

“Going to a counselor can feel like a big step, but oftentimes, when people have been in abusive relationships, they struggle with the feeling that they’re doing something wrong,” Dr. Prewitt explains. “It’s also common to be afraid people will judge you. We need to normalize the fact that healing from verbal abuse can be scary. And we need to be clear that, just because talking about the trauma you’ve been through is uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's wrong.”

She also stresses that you don’t have to talk about everything that happened all at once, especially if you don’t already have a trusting relationship with your therapist. It’s OK to take your time — that, too, can be part of the healing process.

How to stop being verbally abusive

Have you been reprimanded at work or accused of verbally abusive behavior by a loved one? Do ex-partners or former friends describe you as manipulative, condescending, critical or hurtful? Sometimes, people engage in verbal abuse without even realizing they’re doing it — it’s a learned behavior, an inappropriate way of dealing with anxiety or helplessness.

Reflecting on past harms is uncomfortable. It’s also a good sign.

“If someone is able to recognize that they are verbally abusive and accept that they’ve hurt others, that’s a big step because that means that they can be open to feedback,” Dr. Prewitt explains. “It takes commitment, but you don’t have to be stuck in that behavior. You can learn and you can change. It’s not going to happen overnight. It does take practice. But there’s hope.”

Dr. Prewitt recommends reaching out to a mental health provider, seeking out a support group or joining an anger management course. If your behavior is fueled by chronic pain, substance use disorder or a psychiatric condition, be sure to connect with your primary care provider, too. It won’t undo the damage you’ve done, but learning to deal with your anger will help prevent future harm — and significantly improve your quality of life going forward.