What Is Grooming?

Grooming is defined by the very intentional process of building a relationship with a child or a vulnerable adult with the goal of manipulation, exploitation or abuse. The broader aim of grooming is to manipulate and gain power and control over a “target” for the groomer’s personal benefit. And a groomer will rely on a number of tactics to take advantage of their target, including:

• Using flattery
• Exploiting the target’s vulnerabilities, including low self-esteem or financial challenges
• Isolating the target from family and friends
• Buying the target gifts that they can’t afford
• Gradually introducing inappropriate elements into the relationship (like sexually explicit texts, pictures or videos or alcohol)
• Using secrecy and shame to control the target

While sexual abuse is the most common goal for grooming, a groomer may have other objectives that involve different types of exploitation in a cycle of abuse. Other motives for grooming may include:

• Trafficking
• Scamming
• Financial fraud or theft

“Grooming can be done in person or online. It can be done very abruptly on a one-time basis or it can be done strategically over time,” explains pediatric psychologist Vanessa Jensen, PsyD.

“Sometimes, it may start in a way that seems innocent with someone like a mentor or with someone who’s an authority figure. Importantly, it’s almost always in secret, without transparency.”

To protect your children and yourself, Dr. Jensen shares some of the signs of grooming and how to talk to your children about these potential dangers.

Signs to watch out for

“Some of the techniques used in grooming are often meant to isolate children by tainting their positive relationships through the introduction of doubt about the safety and security of their own relationships, especially with family,” explains Dr. Jensen.

“The ‘groomer’ exploits the natural and developmentally appropriate kinds of frustrations and challenges kids may have about their parents or their peers.”

For example, as a child or teen becomes more independent, it’s natural for them in some ways to pull away from their parents. But a groomer will see this as an opportunity to further the divide between parent and child. They may take advantage of them by provoking further conflict, inflicting shame on their behaviors and relationships with their family and friends, and implying that the groomer is the only one who truly cares for them (unlike their “old” support systems).

As someone becomes more reliant on the support of the groomer and the relationship progresses, the groomer often introduces shame and guilt into the relationship so their target feels less inclined to discuss what occurs between them — in person, online or through other means of conversation. With this kind of isolation comes increased trauma responses and changes in behavior.

When grooming occurs, multiple warning signs can emerge. Some common warning signs of grooming include, but aren’t limited to, things like:

• Increasingly sexualized behavior
• Increased inappropriate language
• Increased absences from school
• Having new access to money or new belongings
• Using new social media sites, apps or screennames
• Abruptly spending less time at home or with friends
• Giving up favorite hobbies or activities
• Poor sleep
• Poor coping skills
• Lack of concentration
• Increased stress and anxiety
• Increased aggression
• Increased withdrawal

“Having knowledge about your kids, what they’re doing and their physical whereabouts is so important,” stresses Dr. Jensen. “If you notice that they’re having relationships with older peers, that they’re spending more time online or that they’re being more secretive and guarded, these may be concerns that something is going on behind the scenes. At the same time, all of these behaviors are normal to some degree — the better you know your child, the more likely you are to notice any changes.”

How to talk to your child about grooming

“We want to set our children up for success and we want them to have positive mentoring relationships,” empathizes Dr. Jensen. “One thing that’s really important is to teach kids to listen to their own warning bells.”

If something is happening in a relationship or interaction where they feel like something is off or they’re uncomfortable, teach and encourage your children to listen to those instincts.

“We should encourage them to trust themselves and come to us if they don’t know whether or not they can trust themselves,” advises Dr. Jensen.

Other things you can do to protect your child include:

• Setting up safe, physical boundaries: No one should be touching them without their consent — and this includes unwanted hugs or kisses from close family relatives. Helping them understand the difference between a pediatrician giving a physical and a stranger touching or seeing their private parts goes a long way, too. “Remind them that their body is theirs,” states Dr. Jensen. Healthy boundaries are key to their safety.
• Warning them of strangers: Unfortunately, there are bad actors with harmful intentions online and in real life. Talk to your child about the dangers of talking to strangers. They should never share personal information, photos or their locations with people they don’t know.
• Teaching them to be wary of gifts: “If you find someone is giving them big gifts, you can certainly impose family rules on that by not allowing gifts on days that aren’t holidays or birthdays or teaching your kids to say no to things,” suggests Dr. Jensen.
• Speaking directly to their mentors: If they have a coach, leader or other authority figure in their life, get to know them and have open and honest conversations with them about their involvement with your child.
• Not being afraid to have this conversation: “Sometimes, parents get nervous because they don’t want to disrupt their child’s autonomy,” recognizes Dr. Jensen. “But any intervention or communication with someone working closely with your child in any capacity is completely appropriate.”
• Being clear about the house rules: “If anyone, including a child, is violating boundaries or rules that are important to your family, that is something worth having a conversation about,” says Dr. Jensen.
• Normalizing boundaries for online and social media use: If a social media platform or app doesn’t have age restrictions, or your child doesn’t meet age restrictions, don’t allow them to use it. That goes for video games and online games where they can interact with others, especially.

“The best way to do this is to really monitor what your kids are on, what they are using, who they’re interacting with and where they’re going,” explains Dr. Jensen. “You want to have open discussions about all of these things. And if they have questions or concerns, they should understand that they can come to you without judgment and you will figure out the answers together.”