How and When Emotional Cheating Crosses a Line

A subtle glance here. A meaningless text there. An occasional coy response that presumably goes nowhere with no real intentions.

On their own, these innocent interactions with other people outside of your relationship may have no honest bearing on the way you feel for your partner. But over time, if you keep flirting with danger, you may find yourself harboring emotions for someone else even as your own relationship starves for affection.

Emotional cheating certainly has a way of sneaking up on you, particularly if you’re seeking emotional connections outside of your relationship because you feel like your own needs aren’t being met.

Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD, explores what it means to cheat emotionally, where the line between platonic intimacy and emotional cheating is crossed, and what you can do to salvage your relationships when emotional cheating has occurred.

What is emotional cheating?

Emotional cheating is a type of an emotional affair that involves developing a close, emotional connection with someone other than your partner without fully disclosing the existence of that connection. Over time, as you continue to build an emotional bond with this other person, you may experience a disruption in your own relationship. This happens because having a strong emotional connection to someone else may directly interrupt or interfere with your ability to emotionally connect with your partner. In some cases, emotional affairs can last for a few weeks or months, while others can last for several years.

“There’s the saying that you can’t serve two masters at one time because you will love one and loathe the other,” says Dr. Childs. “Usually, when we enter into affairs, there’s either a lack of communication in a relationship, our needs are not being met, or it’s become so routine that we need an escape and we need something exciting. That exciting new thing may come in the form of this ‘new relationship,’ but what we’re not recognizing is that it’s all a fantasy.”

Emotional cheating examples

Emotional cheating is considered a form of infidelity just as much as physical or sexual infidelity because it can break the bonds of trust and emotional connection between partners. It can also lead to other forms of infidelity and be as likely to cause a breakup as a physical affair if your partner feels that the healthy boundaries of your relationship have been disrupted.

Now, that’s not to say that texting other people, striking up deeply emotional conversations or establishing emotional connections with others outside of your relationship should always be categorized as “emotional cheating.”

In abusive or toxic relationships, partners may try to prevent you from having other friendships or discourage you from socializing with other people. These actions are never OK. If you recognize these behaviors or feel your safety is at risk, help is available.

But in healthy relationships, it’s normal to establish close emotional bonds outside of your relationship and discuss whatever you feel comfortable — be it philosophy, important life events, daily frustrations or desires — with people like your therapist, best friends, coworkers and acquaintances.

You can test whether or not your relationships fall under “emotional cheating” based on two angles:

1. Would you feel comfortable sharing details of your relationship and conversations you have? Do you hide conversations and social media posts this person shares? How would you feel or respond if your partner made those same decisions you’re making? “These may be hard questions to ask, but if it’s hard to ask, then maybe you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing,” notes Dr. Childs.
2. Do these interactions support or harm your relationship? A romantic partner tends to be a leading person in your life, but if you find them falling to the background and someone else is taking center stage, perhaps something has changed in the emotional dynamics of your relationship.

No matter how you slice it, if you’re pouring yourself into these other emotional connections without also building on the emotional connection you have with your partner, something may be lacking in your relationship. And if you find yourself fantasizing about other people or drifting away from your partner intimately, sexually or emotionally, emotional cheating may be occurring.

“What we’re not always realizing is that we’re only seeing these other people we’re having emotional affairs with at work or in limited times and spaces,” says Dr. Childs. “With your partner, you see them every day. You’re living a real life with them. But this other person you’re having an affair with is not real life. It’s just bits-and-pieces moments and it’s easy to fall in love with because it doesn’t tell the whole story. It allows you to escape.”

Emotional cheating vs. platonic intimacy

Emotional cheating often occurs with people who start off as friends. But emotional cheating isn’t the same thing as platonic intimacy.

“Emotional cheating goes beyond friendship when you find that you have chemistry with this person, that there’s physical attraction with this person, that you’re thinking about this person all the time or you’re fantasizing about this person romantically or sexually,” explains Dr. Childs. “Those are times when these relationships cross the friendship boundary into emotional cheating territory.”

In particular, when you’re experiencing times of trouble in your romantic relationship and you find yourself venting to other people, emotional cheating tends to occur partly as a result of the other person taking up emotional responsibility for what’s going on in your relationship with your partner.

“A platonic friend is going to want what’s best for you, so they’ll be a sounding board and give you advice and help you learn how to communicate with your partner, but they’re not going to want to fix all of your problems,” Dr. Childs further explains. “A person who’s in an emotional affair with you may take on a lot of your problems because it convinces you to rely on them for support rather than the person you’re in a relationship with.”

Signs of emotional cheating

So, what does emotional cheating look like in action? It may look different from one relationship to the next, especially considering that couples may follow different rules and have limitations in place that work well for them in their own relationships. But in general, emotional cheating may include behaviors like:

• Fixating your thoughts on the person outside of your relationship all the time throughout the day.
• Getting excited at the thought of the outside person.
• Fantasizing about the outside person romantically and/or sexually.
• Comparing the outside person to your partner and finding your partner lacking.
• Deleting or hiding texts, phone calls or social media posts involving the outside person.
• Becoming defensive whenever the outside person is brought up in conversation or you’re being questioned about your actions involving this person.
• Experiencing increased irritability or anger with your partner after connecting with the outside person.
• Sharing intimate and important details about your life with the outside person that you’re withholding from your partner.
• Venting about or problem-solving issues with this outside person instead of your partner, especially when the problems discussed directly involve your partner.
• Having little to no interest in sexual activity with your partner while fantasizing or thinking about sexual activity with the outside person.
• Participating in sexual activities with your partner but finding that you’re not emotionally invested in those experiences or you are “tuned out” when those experiences are happening.
• You’ve stopped expressing your needs in your current relationship.
• You’ve stopped having deep, intimate conversations with your partner.

“You know you’re emotionally cheating when you experience all the things you felt when you were falling in love with somebody,” says Dr. Childs. “It’s that puppy love feeling of excitement when your heart is racing and it’s taking up your time and energy. The problem is that because it’s taking up so much of your time and energy, your actual relationship may be lacking in those areas because you’re no longer tending to your own relationship in the way you’re tending to your affair.”

How to get over emotional cheating

Emotional cheating is something that can be overcome. Whether you’re the one doing the cheating or you’re the one being cheated on, it often takes everyone in a relationship to work together to move forward.

Dr. Childs provides some advice on how to address emotional cheating from either perspective.

If you’re emotionally cheating

If you’re the one who’s caught feelings for someone outside of your relationship, it’s important to recognize what’s happened, why it’s happening and stop it from happening right away.

“A lot of times, this is something that starts off unintentional that we fall into, so just be aware of it,” advises Dr. Childs. “If you catch it and you know this is something you’re doing and you don’t want to do it, stop it. You do have the power to do that.”

Stop the emotional affair

There’s no sense in dragging this one on. If you recognize you’re emotionally cheating, stop doing it. It’s best not to ghost the other person, but you can communicate why you’re withdrawing your emotional connection, how things will change and give that person a chance to honor the boundaries of your relationship.

“Stop immediately. Don’t drag it out because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings,” says Dr. Childs. “Dragging it out only prolongs it and makes it worse.”

Look at why this is happening

Address why this is happening in your relationship. Are your needs being met? Is there a lack of communication in your relationship? Revisiting the drawing board with your partner and getting to the heart of what’s missing for you is key. But that’s also something you can do on your own, in addition to working with your partner on what’s not working in your relationship.

“Individual therapy can help you figure out what it is that you felt was missing that caused you to seek out that other person, whether you did it intentionally or not. Couple’s counseling is also important for the relationship because one person can’t hold a relationship together and one person can’t destroy it,” notes Dr. Childs.

“There’s a reason why this emotional cheating happened and maybe something is missing, so what can you do to get that missing part back? That takes both people.”

Tend to your relationship

“The grass is not always greener on the other side, and if you feel like that, then maybe you should water your own grass,” suggests Dr. Childs.

That means do something every day to build your emotional connection with your partner. Spend time together. Have intentional conversations where you sit down two or three times a week and check in on your relationship to see how things are going and how you’re both doing.

“Is there anything you need from the other person or vice versa? Is there anything either of you can be doing better? Checking in and making sure you’re not missing anything takes time, but it’s important when a relationship needs repairing,” she advises.

If your partner is emotionally cheating

If your partner tells you they’ve been having an emotional affair, or if you recognize there’s been some growing distance between you and your partner, having a conversation about how you’re feeling, what it takes to meet your needs and what it will take to regain your trust is key to reestablishing your emotional connection.

Ask questions but be prepared

“If we’re attuned to our relationships, we know when somebody’s distant from you or when they’re pulling away from you,” says Dr. Childs. “You’re going to have a ton of questions and there needs to be a free space to do that. That space is more likely to happen in couple’s counseling.”

Your partner is hopefully willing to answer any questions you have, but know they may not always have all the answers or even be able to give you everything you’re asking for. Often, there is shame, guilt or regret associated with emotional cheating, which can make these conversations difficult to navigate.

“For the partner who’s been cheated on, there may be a sense of betrayal and the foundation of the relationship has been damaged, so trust has to be rebuilt,” Dr. Childs adds.

Start with a clean slate and trust in the process

Starting over is a process that takes time. Part of that process is wiping the slate clean, working together to reestablish the boundaries of your relationship and trusting that process as you move forward. Sometimes, that may mean some things need to change in your relationship. For example, maybe your partner wants to start sharing locations or passwords within the household. Or maybe there’s one day set aside each week that’s meant for only you two to connect.

However you decide to move forward, it’s important you both honor those boundaries in your relationship and let go of the past. Holding onto lingering resentment will only make new tears in your relationship down the line.

“What it takes to rebuild that trust is dependent on what each couple discusses amongst themselves,” says Dr. Childs. “Even if you do all these things, that may still not build trust. If you find yourself going above and beyond what you’re comfortable with in a relationship and you feel what’s being asked of you is forced or unfair, then things need to be reworked and a compromise needs to be achieved between partners, or the relationship may not be salvageable.”

Consider non-monogamy or open relationships

An open and ethical non-monogamous relationship or polyamorous relationship, where you’re both able to explore emotional connections with multiple partners, is a possible solution to emotional cheating.

“However, both parties would have to be honest about whether this is what they honestly want to do,” stresses Dr. Childs. “If there is any reservation on any person’s part, then they shouldn’t do it. But if both parties agree to this and it works for the relationship, their relationship can be sustained through this.”

Finding out what works for you may take some trial and error, but it’s important to take inventory of what you value in a relationship and what’s important to you. If something doesn’t feel right, says Dr. Childs, then that’s telling.

“Do what’s best for you and look for signs and symptoms of being manipulated or being pulled into something that you don’t really want to be pulled into,” she advises. “If being in a polygamous relationship is not what you want, then it’s probably time for you to exit the relationship because maybe you both have developed different values.”

Moving forward

Relationships aren’t always easy and they take work from everyone involved in order to be sustainable. That may not always sound as emotionally exciting as some other opportunities out there, but the truth is, when partners come together and communicate, they can find a way to learn and grow from one another and bond over the same or similar values.

Like our emotions, although they ebb and flow, our relationships can truly stand the test of time when we learn how to support them in healthy ways.

“If the person who’s in the emotional affair is willing to end it and end it quickly instead of dragging it out, and if the couple can agree to move on and not bring up past behaviors that were done and decide to move forward, you can recover the relationship,” encourages Dr. Childs. “But if one or both of the partners cannot let it go or cannot move forward, that’s going to make it hard to repair.”