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SearchThere are many different ways to love someone and yourself
Like hunger, thirst, sleep and sex, love is essential for human survival. It can sometimes be so strong or feel so primal and mysterious that it can be hard for some of us to even define.
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There are different theories that categorize the types of love we experience. Ancient Greek philosophy, for example, broke love down into eight different types:
Modern psychology continues to explore different types of love today and the various ways we show up in different relationships. Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, explains this modern take, along with the stages of romantic love.
When it comes to modern psychology, Dr. Albers points to Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love as one theory that’s easy to understand, no matter the type of relationship you’re in.
Sternberg’s theory says that every relationship is built on three key concepts that form three points of a “love triangle”:
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Based on this theory, there are eight different types of love that are defined by the various ways we express intimacy, passion and commitment. And each type is different enough that you might find yourself maintaining relationships in several categories. A single relationship will often evolve over time, transitioning from one type to the next, too.
Here’s how Dr. Albers breaks down each type.
This type of love involves indifference toward another person and it’s the default for most first-time interactions. There’s:
This person may be:
This type of love is the basis for most friendships. In this category, you have:
In this type of love, you’re more focused on the real, close bond you share with someone else. You might strengthen that relationship by bonding over similar qualities, interests or characteristics.
This type of love involves:
This is what most people think of when they have a crush or experience love at first sight. You may not know someone on a deeper level, but whenever you see or think about the person you’re attracted to, you might feel:
“A lot of relationships start out this way and then, if they’re going to be lasting, they turn over into something more romantic,” says Dr. Albers.
Empty love is based on:
Examples of empty love include:
“Unfortunately, I think I see empty love the most in counseling,” shares Dr. Albers. “This can feel like a really difficult place for people because they feel kind of stuck. And they often want to build more intimacy or passion because it was there initially.”
This type of love can be found in different kinds of relationships and involves:
Relationships grounded in romantic love often go undefined and can include:
“Someone may be highly attracted to or romantically involved with their partner, but they’ve been burned in the past or they’re divorced and they’re afraid of recommitting,” illustrates Dr. Albers. “They certainly feel that romantic spark, but they’re unsure if this is someone they want to commit to.”
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This type of love is like an elevated form of liking. Maybe you’ve been friends for years or you’re best friends who rely on each other through thick and thin. Queer platonic relationships also fall into this category because they’re long-term partners who build their lives together without sexual or romantic involvement.
This kind of love involves:
“These are some of your deepest bonds that can often lead to a lifetime of connection,” notes Dr. Albers.
This type of love burns bright and fast because it involves:
These types of relationships tend to evolve quickly from one stage to the next. They might involve erratic or irrational decisions, like moving in with one another too fast or feeling all-consumed by another person.
“You feel a lot of sparks toward this person and you’re committed, but all of a sudden, you might start to realize that there’s no emotional connection,” explains Dr. Albers. “It’s hard to get out of these relationships because you’ve already tied yourself in.”
Sternberg theorized that all relationships should try to achieve this type of love, but it’s the most difficult because it requires a perfect balance between:
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“This is the gold standard of relationships,” says Dr. Albers. “Relationships that are based on a single element are less likely to survive and keep going than those that are based on two or more aspects.”
That said, there’s no wrong way to build a healthy relationship if it’s one you truly want. Passion, intimacy and commitment tend to ebb and flow, and may change over time as you and your partner(s), friends and family experience life together. Plus, everyone has different love languages that affect the nature of every relationship.
“It’s helpful to know which pieces are missing or which pieces you want to build up in your relationships as things change,” she adds.
People fall in love in different ways and stages. For some, it happens quickly and then all at once. For others, it could take years. A fatuous love might become romantic before it becomes consummate. Or infatuation could slowly build toward a consummate relationship over time.
If someone has had more positive experiences with relationships and knows exactly what they want, love might come more easily than for someone who might have experienced hard breakups or trauma. But it also depends on how you’re defining love and the nature of your connection.
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“Your history and the strength of your physical reactions can dictate how quickly you fall in love,” says Dr. Albers.
In general, she says that love tends to grow in different ways across three stages.
“Love starts in the brain, not the heart,” clarifies Dr. Albers. “When people report being in love, they have a tsunami of activity in the brain.”
That’s because attraction comes at you fast. According to one study, it takes just one-fifth of a second for someone to know if they’re attracted to someone. That heady rush of dopamine brings on a flush of feelings, butterflies, intense longing and fixation. Some neurobiological studies even indicate areas of the brain become increasingly more excited when someone sees the face of the person they love or are attracted to.
The second stage of love is all about removing the rose-colored glasses and really seeing the person you’re attracted to. During this stage, you start to familiarize yourself with their flaws, their strengths and the kind of person they become when they’re in a relationship.
“In the second stage, there’s some disillusionment,” says Dr. Albers. “You really get to know who they are instead of who you want them to be. If you continue to bond and like who you see, that’s what moves you into the next phase.”
As you further solidify your connection with your partner and create an attachment to them, your brain increases the production of hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. This biological reaction helps maintain that bonded feeling you have for longer periods, as dopamine (the “feel good” hormone) levels drop off and excitement dies down.
“Those feelings of lust and that wild excitement of attraction mellow and turn into feelings of connection,” says Dr. Albers. “It goes from fireworks to feeling like you care about that person’s needs and you’re interested in their future and you invest in them.”
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