Understanding the 5 Stages of Grief After a Breakup

When a relationship ends, it can feel like the end of the world. Even if you’re the one who broke things off, you may be surprised to find that you’re grieving, too.

And for good reason: The grief we experience after a breakup has a lot in common with the grief that follows the death of a loved one, says clinical psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD.

Understanding the stages of grief after a breakup can help you navigate what you’re feeling — and recognize that your emotions are both normal and healthy.

The 5 stages of grief after a breakup

Depending on who you ask, there are five or seven stages of grief after the end of a romantic relationship, and they’re not all listed or described the same way. But Dr. Borland says it’s helpful to align post-breakup feelings with the stages of grief we experience after someone dies.

After all, a breakup is the end of a chapter of your life. And any loss — like from a death, losing a job or moving to a new city — can bring a certain amount of grief. And there’s no set timeline for how long that will take.

“As long as your internal compass points you toward self-care, there’s no expectation of how long the grieving process may take or what symptoms you may experience,” Dr. Borland clarifies. “You need to do what’s right for you.”

Stage 1: Denial

Immediately after a breakup, you may feel a sense of shock. You could experience physical symptoms of grief, like headaches, a racing heart and sleep troubles.

“You may experience feelings of shock or disbelief and question, Is this real? Is this actually happening?” Dr. Borland reiterates. “You might feel like your partner will eventually return and you can repair the relationship — that this can’t possibly be permanent.”

During this stage, you may feel a range of emotions, like:

• Fear
• Confusion
• Loneliness
• Dread

Plans and goals you thought were set in stone may become uncertain, which can create anxiety. You may question your identity and self-worth, like feeling unsure about who you are or doubting your ability to move forward alone. You may even wonder if you’ll ever find love again.

Stage 2: Anger (and other negative feelings)

“This stage marks an expression of intense negative emotions toward the other person,” Dr. Borland explains. “You may feel anger or resentment toward your former partner and question why the relationship is ending.”

Importantly, he notes that this stage doesn’t always look or even feel like anger. It may also manifest as:

• Betrayal
• Disappointment
• Frustration
• Hurt
• Resentment

These feelings can also be influenced or made worse by circumstances related to your breakup, like infidelity or substance abuse.

Stage 3: Bargaining

“The bargaining stage that follows a breakup is about regret and retrospection,” Dr. Borland says. “You tell yourself, ‘If only I'd done X, Y or Z, I could’ve saved the relationship.’”

You might think, “If only I’d spent less time at work…” or “If only I'd been a better listener…” You might just think these things, or you may actively try to fix those behaviors in order to get back together with your former partner.

This stage may be especially profound if your actions led to the end of the breakup — like if you cheated or engaged in some unhealthy habit that your former partner cited as the reason for ending the relationship.

Stage 4: Depression

When a relationship comes to an end, it can feel unthinkable to imagine your life without your former partner in it.

“Regarding their former partners, patients have expressed to me, ‘They weren’t just my romantic partner, they were my best friend, my confidante and the person I laughed with the most,’” Dr. Borland recounts. “And now, they’re faced with the challenge of moving forward without that person.”

This stage can bring classic symptoms of depression, like:

• Mood changes, such as sadness, hopelessness and irritability
• Lack of motivation or interest in activities
• Changes in your sleeping and eating habits

Stage 5: Acceptance

As the famous ’90s song goes, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” You may never feel great about your breakup, but in time, you’ll learn to accept it and move forward with new purpose.

“You may still experience an underlying sense of loss, but in this stage, you’re moving on and prioritizing self-care,” Dr. Borland encourages. “Maybe you still wish the relationship had worked out differently, but you accept that it hasn’t — and you’re committed to living a meaningful life and healing in healthy ways.”

Acceptance doesn’t just come with time, though. It can take hard work and self-reflection to get there, including:

• Prioritizing self-care that encompasses your physical and mental health
• Tapping into your support system, like friends and family
• Pursuing healthy activities, like hobbies, that distract, focus and engage you
• Talking to a therapist who can help you work through your feelings

Other stages of post-breakup grief

Depending on where you turn for information about the stages of grief after a breakup, you might see other phases listed, too. While Dr. Borland acknowledges these emotions and reactions as important, he says they can fall within the original five stages.

• Ambivalence. You might feel all over the place, emotionally — going back and forth about whether the breakup was the right decision (which can also fall into the denial category). This can also include bargaining-style what-if questions.
• Growth. “Even through grief, the end of a relationship offers an opportunity to become a better version of yourself,” Dr. Borland says. And that plays a huge role in the acceptance phase.
• Guilt. If something you did led to the breakup, you could feel remorseful about it. Feeling guilty can overlap with the anger phase, as well as the bargaining phase.

And what about so-called relapses? Not everyone gets back together with an ex, but it’s certainly not uncommon to give it a go.

“It’s human nature to have moments of vulnerability and a desire for a familiar emotional connection,” Dr. Borland recognizes. “In some cases, you may turn to your former partner, even if you know it’s not the healthiest of options.”

Can you experience multiple stages at once?

Grief isn’t linear, which means the stages can happen in or out of order, and they can overlap. Maybe you go through denial and jump right into depression, with regret and anger coming later. Or maybe you feel it all in a jumble at once. Or maybe you think you’ve hit acceptance, but then backslide into a bunch of old feelings.

Plus, even when you’ve hit the acceptance stage, you may be surprised to find yourself unexpectedly wistful about a long-ago relationship.

“Feelings of underlying sadness may continue because, regardless of how the relationship ended, there were plenty of positives, too,” Dr. Borland empathizes. “At times, you may feel triggered by certain memories, which can lead to remorse that things didn’t work out better.”

Why you should address your breakup grief

“Grieving is a natural process after any kind of loss, including a breakup,” Dr. Borland reinforces. “It’s important because it helps our brains adjust to our new reality.” Avoiding grief can keep you stuck in feelings of:

• Sadness
• Loneliness
• Guilt
• Shame
• Anger

Left unaddressed, these emotions can take a toll on your self-esteem. You may start to withdraw from others, which can lead to clinical depression. You may even turn to unhealthy coping strategies like drug or alcohol use to manage difficult feelings.

“Allowing for a grieving period following a breakup encourages the resolution of intense emotions,” he adds. “Doing so allows you greater emotional availability in a new relationship.”

Importantly, if you’re having trouble moving on or just need extra help coping with a breakup, seek out a trained mental health provider for support.

There’s no way around it: Breakups suck. But acknowledging what you’re going through — and how hard it feels — is a key piece of the process on your road to healing.