Why Parallel Parenting May Be Needed in High-Conflict Scenarios

When parents are involved in a high-conflict relationship, it can be hard to come together for the sake of their children, especially after a divorce or separation. But parents often need to find a way to co-parent their kids without escalating the problems they have with one another.

That’s where parallel parenting comes in.

Parallel parenting relies on involvement from all parenting parties, but the parents have little-to-no communication or interaction with one another. Instead, a third party (like a judge or counselor) helps mediate parenting schedules and other big life decisions (like who goes to after-school extracurriculars, birthday parties and more). Communication is also kept to a minimum and focuses solely on the children. If communication does occur, it usually takes place over text, email or a third-party app like Our Family Wizard, where there’s a permanent, unalterable record of what’s being said between parents.

The goal of parallel parenting is to make sure the parents are equally supportive of their children while trying not to engage in negative communication or behaviors with one another. In the long term, it can be a positive solution for parents who simply don’t get along or largely disagree on how their children should be raised.

“We should have child-centered parenting whether we’re together or not together,” says pediatric psychologist Amy Lee, PhD. “It’s a parent’s role to care for their children, even when there are disagreements and conflicts.”

Dr. Lee explains how to make parallel parenting work for you and why it might be a solution for even the most high-conflict scenarios.

Co-parenting vs. parallel parenting

Co-parenting is a form of shared parenting where parents work closely with one another to raise their children. Typically, rules are shared between households and parents tend to show up together at all events that revolve around the child, like graduations, athletic games and parent-teacher conferences.

If an emergency arises or if there’s a conflict or disagreement, parents work it out with each other while focusing solely on the child’s needs. In co-parenting scenarios, there may be a high amount of communication between parents as a matter of routine.

But with parallel parenting, direct communication is kept to a minimum. Typically, parents exercise their rights to uphold specific rules during their parenting time without involving the other parent’s input. Parents also tend to alternate who gets access to certain activities like doctor appointments, school meetings and sports.

The goal with parallel parenting is to reduce the amount of interaction between parents in order to minimize conflict whenever possible.

“There’s evidence that kids perform better in school, have lower risks for mental health difficulties and have better relationships when they have multiple adults in their lives helping to support them and take care of them,” notes Dr. Lee. “Parallel parenting offers a way to a more peaceful existence for everyone by removing the opportunity for unnecessary conflict.”

How to parallel parent

Parallel parenting requires intentional planning on behalf of the parents. In many high-conflict cases, the court system will likely decide who gets parenting rights, how long visitation hours are and where visitation occurs. But once parallel parenting begins, you’ll want to implement some strategies to avoid further conflict. Remember, the goal is to make sure the children are taken care of and supported without involving them in the conflict between adults.

“With parallel parenting, we maintain all the same parental responsibilities we had before,” clarifies Dr. Lee. “We’re just more intentional about avoiding conflict with how and when parents communicate about their child’s needs.”

Focus on boundary-setting

If anyone has difficulty not engaging in high-conflict behavior, you want to make sure certain boundaries are in place to minimize conflict and any further harm. Decide how and when you should communicate and what the focus should be during those conversations.

You should also determine ahead of time how emergencies should be handled and communicated, and who’s allowed time with the child and under what circumstances.

If someone crosses a boundary, then there are processes for parents to use to address concerns, such as specific court-ordered guidelines or third-party mediation.

Hand off the children with minimal, written communication

When communicating, it’s important to keep a written record of what’s being said between parties. Keep communication centered around your child and keep it to a minimum. But more importantly, make sure your child isn’t forced into the role of a messenger.

“Whenever possible, you want to protect your child from any conflict that occurs and make sure you’re not putting them in the middle of it,” stresses Dr. Lee. “With child-centered parenting, the parents should be doing everything they can to support their child when changes in the family occur.”

Use third-party apps to keep records of what happens with your child while they’re with you and any emergencies or important situations that arise. It’s not unusual for parents to also keep records of how their child is doing with homework and other school activities. And if third-party apps aren’t for you, consider using a notebook that you pass back and forth between visits.

Divvy up family events and important activities

Kids lead busy lives. Between dentist appointments, wellness checks, after-school practices and play dates, there’s a lot to keep track of. Understandably so, parents can’t always be in the same room if they have a high-conflict relationship. And deciding when they should give up their right to attend certain events can be difficult.

Some workarounds involve using a shared calendar where parents can sign up or determine in advance which events they attend with their child. Or you can split up important events between you based on who’s parenting the child at the time. If parents can’t come to an agreement over how they show up for their child, a court system can help determine more specific rules and guidelines.

“The idea here is the burden should be on the parents to figure this out, and if they can’t do it together, then they need help to prevent conflict in the face of anything related to the child,” explains Dr. Lee. “If it’s really important to the child to have both parents there at the same time, then the parents need to find ways to manage themselves without having contact with each other.”

Try to be flexible with rules and family planning

Emergencies come up. People get sick. Someone gets called into the office. You can come up with rules until you’re blue in the face, but inevitably, something is bound to throw things off track. When that happens, you’ll need ways to work through surprises and unfortunate circumstances.

Having a backup plan in case of emergencies can be helpful, and it’s important to communicate that backup plan in advance, if possible. For instance, if someone is sick or has a family emergency, maybe you turn to other family members to take care of the child for some temporary support.

Depending on the situation, you’ll also need to consider how much personal information should be disclosed. At a minimum, it’s probably best to request an adjustment when needed or to find ways to renegotiate the terms of parenting.

“Most likely, people who are parallel parenting will be less likely to rely on that former partner in a crisis, so they’re going to use strategies that allow them to take care of their child without conflict,” shares Dr. Lee. “Such emergency plans will likely be outlined in a parallel parenting agreement as well.”

Examples of parallel parenting

Parallel parenting in action will look different for everyone. But in almost every case, the child’s needs are the most important thing that should be considered.

If your child has a football game, and it’s important to them to have everyone in attendance, parents can sit on opposite sides and avoid the other party entirely. Other families may need to make different plans that involve only certain family members attending the event, while allowing the others who can’t go to attend the next game or make plans before or after the event.

When it comes to parent-teacher conferences, parents may need to take turns and alternate their involvement throughout the year. Or you could request to have two separate conferences on the same day.

If your child gets into a fight at school during your parenting time and it results in an out-of-school suspension, you might consider that information worth communicating to the other parent, especially as it involves your child’s safety and academic performance.

“A child’s safety and health concerns should be the No. 1 priority for any parent, regardless of whether the parents get along,” emphasizes Dr. Lee. “If you center your decisions around those two things and handle each event on a case-by-case basis, hopefully, all parties can figure out solutions that work to support the health, wellness and safety of their children.”