What Is Disability Etiquette? 10 Tips To Make Your Interactions More Inclusive

Imagine for a moment that you’re visiting another country for the first time. That you’re attending a multicultural wedding. Or that you’ve been invited to a friend’s house of worship. What’s the first thing you do to prepare?

Chances are, you read up on the culture. It’s important to understand the community you’re stepping into, after all. Every society has different norms and expectations. And you wouldn’t want to commit a microaggression or unintentionally offend somebody.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 16% of the global population has a significant disability of some kind. The disability community is diverse and dispersed — but it has a culture, too. And it’s important that people who aren’t living with disabilities learn about and respect that culture as they would any other. So, we’ve compiled a short primer on disability etiquette to help get you started.

What is disability etiquette?

Disability etiquette is a set of rules and behaviors you should follow when interacting with, or speaking about, people with disabilities. Doing so communicates that you respect and value both that individual and the broader community. Learning and practicing proper disability etiquette is one way of demonstrating your personal commitment to equity and inclusion.

Politeness alone doesn’t make you an ally to the disability community. But it’s a great place to start! Here are 10 basic rules of disability etiquette that can make an immediate positive impact on your relationships.

1. Don’t ask invasive questions

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Were you born that way?”

“How do you [drive a car, hold down a job, have sex]?”

“Can I touch your scar?”

Most of us learn as children not to ask total strangers personal questions. It’s Manners 101. But that rule goes out the window surprisingly often when people with disabilities enter the equation.

“I had a stranger at the dentist’s office say ‘What’s wrong with you?’ And then guess my diagnosis,” recounts Carolyn Deming, who works in communications and chaired an employee resource group for people with disabilities.

“I have a direct and confrontational personality. I freely say ‘My health is none of your business.’ But not everybody is comfortable correcting people.”

Good disability etiquette means not putting people in that position.

2. Never question someone’s disability

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in every 4 Americans is living with a disability of some sort. Many of the conditions causing these disabilities have no visual markers at all. For example, you can’t tell by looking at somebody that they have dementia, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). Other conditions are visible only at certain times or stages. Examples include:

• Multiple sclerosis (MS)
• Cancer
• Chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder (COPD)
• Ehlers Danlos syndrome (EDS)

A disability not being obvious doesn’t make it less serious. And it doesn’t make the person who has it less deserving of respect and accommodations. It’s not a competition. All people are worthy of equal treatment. And that includes all people with disabilities, regardless of what their disabilities look like.

Deming is quick to add that disability can also be dynamic, changing on a day-to-day (or even hour-to-hour) basis. The fact that an individual using a wheelchair on a Tuesday may be able to walk short distances unassisted on Thursday isn’t a sign that they’re “faking it.”

Unfortunately, that variability in symptoms can lead to misunderstandings, accusations and conflict. That’s why it’s important to remember rule #1: Don’t ask invasive questions.

“We need to stop worrying that someone’s trying to scam the system,” Deming urges. “I would rather the one person who’s using a fake disability placard go free than have 99 people asked to explain why they’re parked in an accessible spot.”

3. ‘Assume that I can’

In March of 2024, Madison Tevlin, a model and actress who has Down syndrome, starred in an ad campaign designed to challenge the assumptions people make about individuals living with the condition.

It starts with Tevlin saying, “Hey bartender, you assume that I can’t drink a margarita. So, you don’t serve me a margarita. So, I don’t drink a margarita. Your assumption becomes reality.” She shares a laundry list of ways that nondisabled people’s prejudices shape her daily reality. They assume she can’t live alone, read Shakespeare, have sex or kick butt in the boxing ring. And they’re absolutely wrong on every count.

Her message: “Assume that I can so maybe I will.”

The ad campaign is about Down syndrome, but the principle applies to all people living with disabilities. Operate on the assumption that the person you’re interacting with can do everything you can. If they need you to speak more slowly, help them cross the street or read their menu to them, they’ll ask.

4. Don’t assume people with disabilities want help

“You may think you know what someone else‘s needs, but they're the expert on their life,” enthuses Marvin Natowicz, MD, PhD, a physician who specializes in genetics and pathology — and is also a caregiver for an adult child with a disability.

“For example, don‘t just push an individual’s wheelchair without talking with them first,” he advises. “You need to find out if they want you to be involved in their life in that particular way first.”

That brings us to another point…

5. Don’t touch people’s assistive devices

Think about assistive devices — like wheelchairs, canes, prosthetics, screen readers and hearing aids — as extensions of the user’s body.

“If you move my mobility aid, it‘s like you’re moving my body without consent. It‘s like you’re touching me,” Deming says. “Even if well intended, you aren’t helping. You’re not respecting my right to control my own body. I need to know where my support items are at all times. Don’t touch them.”

The same goes for using assistive devices. If you wouldn’t do it to the person without their consent, don’t do it to their medical equipment.

6. Communicate respectfully

There are many different kinds of disabilities that can impact the “how” of communication. Here are a few basic rules to keep in mind.

Be patient

People who have disabilities that impact their speech, language or voice may need more time to express themselves. Don’t interrupt them, correct them or try to complete their sentences for them.

Don’t speak on behalf of (or over) disabled people

As the parent of a person with impaired communication skills, Dr. Natowicz is especially passionate about this topic.

“Try your best to talk with the person who has the disability and not just their caregiver,” he implores. If you’re a caregiver, only offer communication assistance when and if it’s requested.

Not sure how to do that? Deming says that making the “first move” can help smooth out uncomfortable social situations.

“When I’m in a wheelchair, people who are standing have no clue how to include me,” she explains. “It’s very uncomfortable. I insert myself into the conversation, but others may just disengage.”

Proactively welcoming people with disabilities into the group is a quick and easy way to make their lives easier.

Don’t just ‘smile and nod’

If you don’t understand what’s said to you, ask clarifying questions. Pretending you understand when you don’t is disrespectful. It also makes for an odd conversation!

Address speakers, not interpreters or caregivers

When speaking with somebody who’s hard of hearing or Deaf, you may be tempted to maintain eye contact with — and speak directly to — the interpreter. Or watch the interpreter as they sign. But it’s important that you focus your attention on the person you’re conversing with, not the interpreter.

It might feel rude at first. But remember: The interpreter is only there to facilitate the conversation. They aren’t the speaker. And engaging with the speaker, not the interpreter, is considered respectful in Deaf culture.

7. Don’t pet, feed or distract service animals

Service animals are cute, but they also mean business. They’re trained to do extremely specific jobs. Most of us are familiar with guide dogs, but people with a wide range of disabilities rely on service animals every day.

People living with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), for example, may use service dogs to detect changes in their blood pressure, provide balance support, administer deep pressure therapy and more. Seizure alert dogs, allergy detection dogs, mobility assistance dogs, PTSD support dogs and autism service dogs are just a few of the many kinds of service animals you may see out and about with their handlers.

When service dogs have their vests on, they’re at work. Distracting them endangers their handlers. In some places, it’s actually illegal.

8. Mind your language

Languages evolve and change over time. Sometimes, for the better. Sometimes, not.

Pay attention to the words and phrases you use in everyday conversations. You might be surprised how many of the things we say in casual conversation are either outwardly ableist or have ableist connotations. “Lame,” “crazy,” “stupid,” “psychotic,” “dumb” and “hysterical,” are all examples of words that, used in the wrong context, are ableist.

The “R-word” is a phrase the disability community uses to avoid saying “retard,” “retarded,” and other slurs ending in “-tard.” We’re listing them here for educational purposes. But the R-word and all its variations are hate speech. Period. Do not use them.

One more note on vocabulary: Some people with disabilities choose to reclaim the word “cripple.” Some people even self-identify as a cripple or “crip.”

If you don’t have a disability, “cripple” isn’t your word to reclaim. Only use the term to refer to a person if they explicitly ask you to. You can use the word if it’s in an organization’s name or if you’re referring to crip theory (the academic subfield) and related concepts.

9. Respect individual preferences

The experience of disability is as diverse as it is personal. And there’s no single way of discussing or behaving around people with disabilities that everyone will agree is appropriate.

So, here’s a good rule of thumb: Find out what the person you’re interacting with wants and operate accordingly.

For example, some identify as “a person with a disability.” That’s called using person-first language. Others identify as “a disabled person.” That’s known as identity-first language. How you refer to yourself is, understandably, a topic many people feel strongly about. By following the lead of the person you’re interacting with, you can ensure they feel respected and heard.

10. Apologize when you make a mistake

Yes, you’ll occasionally mess up. That’s OK. Being anti-ableist isn’t about having all the answers.

“I think there is a steep learning curve when people encounter disability — as a person who has it or as a person who’s witnessing it — because it has a vocabulary and culture all its own,” Deming shares.

As Dr. Natowicz and Deming explain, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about listening, learning, making space and uplifting others wherever you can. And, of course, saying you’re sorry if you make a mistake.

Dr. Natowicz puts it simply: “Just try, to the extent that you can, to be a good human.”

You might be surprised how big a difference it makes.