9 Tips for Dealing With a Parent’s Narcissistic Behavior

People with narcissistic traits sometimes see childrearing as a favor. A favor their kids need to repay. Intentionally or unintentionally, a parent with a narcissistic streak can make their child feel like a burden or disappointment.

Growing up with a parent who’s self-involved, exploitative, entitled and lacking in empathy can shape your personality and behavior. But no matter how it affects you, it’s never too late to start healing. And when you do, you’ll get to know yourself in a new, healthier way.

What is a narcissistic parent?

The term “narcissistic parent” is sometimes used to refer to parents with an excessive need to impress others or feel important. This can affect how they view themselves as parents and relate to their children. It’s more of a cultural term than a medical diagnosis. So, it’s not always the same thing as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

“We use the word ‘narcissist’ very casually these days — and we do it in a way that demonizes people who actually have NPD,” says psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD. “And there are plenty of people who fall short as parents whose behavior isn’t narcissistic. So, I think it’s better to focus on the behavior, the harm it does and how it makes you feel.”

Signs of narcissistic parenting

Parents behave narcissistically when they:

• Prioritize themselves over their children. Whether it’s emotional support, medical care, safety, nourishment or time, a parent with narcissistic traits will often neglect their child’s needs to satisfy their own.
• Use their child. Kids should never be a pawn, a shield or a means to an end. But parents with narcissistic tendencies sometimes use their children to manipulate people or circumstances.
• Treat their kid as an extension of themselves. Not developing your own identity as a child can hurt your relationships later in life. “One of the biggest issues I see is adults raised in a narcissistic environment not voicing their needs or feelings,” Dr. Albers says. “Growing up, they were either afraid to do it or knew that they wouldn’t be taken seriously.”
• Engage in gaslighting. Parents with narcissistic tendencies are right no matter what. “It can make the child — and later, the adult — question themselves,” Dr. Albers notes. “When the parent lies and manipulates reality, it can leave the child feeling powerless and confused about what’s true.”
• Lack boundaries. People with narcissistic personalities often try to control every aspect of their kid’s life. “Sometimes, when the child becomes an adult, they don’t know how to navigate life on their own,” Dr. Albers shares. “They’re so used to a parent controlling everything behind the scenes that they don’t know how to be independent.”
• Move the goal posts. Is nothing ever good enough? Dr. Albers says that children who grow up in narcissistic environments often jump through hoops to win their parent’s approval. When the approval doesn’t come — or they’re criticized instead — it damages their sense of self-esteem.
• Steal the spotlight. Whether it’s making a scene in the stands at your tee ball game or wearing a white gown to your wedding, a parent with narcissistic tendencies won’t be able to celebrate your accomplishments without either taking credit or pulling focus. They crave attention.
• Abuse their child. “If a parent believes their kid’s there to meet their needs, they may react with rage and anger when their expectations go unmet,” Dr. Albers notes. The resulting abuse can be verbal, emotional or even physical.
• Manage their image. People with narcissistic tendencies crave attention, approval and control. So, they may act very differently in public than they do behind closed doors. Their children often spend a lot of time lying for them in order to keep up the appearance of a perfect family.
• Can’t apologize. Everybody makes mistakes. But people with narcissistic personalities may struggle to admit theirs. Even if they do take the blame, they’re likely to minimize their actions or redirect the guilt.

How to cope

How you deal with a parent’s narcissistic behavior depends on your age and your options. As a child, there’s not much about your life you can change. But with age comes independence — and the chance for a different kind of relationship with your family.

Dr. Albers recommends doing the following nine things if your parent’s narcissistic behavior is negatively impacting you.

1. Lean on found family

If you still live with your parent, their narcissistic attitude and behavior can feel suffocating. That’s why it’s so important to seek the support of people who aren’t in that environment.

“People you trust like friends, adults and people outside of the home can listen, validate and affirm your feelings,” Dr. Albers says. “They can also offer a different perspective — insight into what is and isn’t typical parenting behavior.”

2. Work with a therapist

Connecting with a mental health professional can make a big difference.

“Therapy can be really helpful in the moment. Particularly if there’s any kind of trauma or emotional abuse going on,” Dr. Albers notes. “Your provider can help you learn how to recognize it and respond.”

Therapy is also a good decision when the trauma is in the rearview mirror. Dr. Albers says she sees lots of people in that situation.

“I’ve found that once you’re able to put a label on your experiences — to recognize that narcissism was or is part of your family dynamic — it’s very healing,” she reflects. “Working with a therapist means you can start to understand the residual effects your upbringing’s had on you, both as a person and even as a parent yourself.”

3. Keep a journal

Journaling is a great mindfulness activity. And it’s extra helpful when you’re in a controlling or toxic home environment.

“It helps you process what’s happening, gain clarity and document your feelings,” Dr. Albers explains. “Those feelings and experiences may not be validated by your parent. But you’ll have a record of your own.”

One note here: If your parent doesn’t respect your boundaries, keeping a paper journal could backfire. Look into password-protected and encrypted digital diaries instead.

4. Limit contact or stick to superficial topics

Some parent-child relationships are too dysfunctional to continue. But what if you want to have your loved one in your life? Dr. Albers recommends limiting contact.

Doing that successfully requires changing the way you interact with your family.

“Keeping things at a surface level can be helpful,” she says. “That way, you can talk about events, but you aren’t opening yourself up to be wounded. If you tell them genuinely how you feel, you’re giving them ammunition they can use against you.”

5. Create and enforce healthy boundaries

Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries means communicating what behaviors you will and will not tolerate from your parents — and upholding those limits.

Healthy boundaries are clear. And they include equally clear consequences for trespassing. Here are a few examples:

• Require respect. Practice setting expectations and consequences around conduct. Say things like, “If you raise your voice at me, I will end this conversation.” And be sure to follow through.
• Establish guard rails. Create guardrails around the topics or criticisms that upset you most. It may be as broad as “No political conversations in front of my children.” Or it could be as specific as “Don’t make comments about my significant other’s job.”
• Limit conversations. Place restrictions on the timing or circumstances of your conversations. Maybe you never answer texts that come during school or work. Or you hang up immediately if the insults start flying.

6. Adjust your expectations

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. And you can’t force yours to change their personality. Instead, Dr. Albers recommends adjusting your expectations to account for who they are.

To be clear: Adjusting your expectations is not the same as accepting abusive behavior. It’s about seeing your parents for who they are. When you do that, you can build a realistic parent-child relationship, instead of exhausting yourself trying to create the family you want.

7. Protect yourself against gaslighting

Psychological abuse is a common feature of narcissistic relationships. The abuse often takes the form of gaslighting. Recognizing it in the moment, Dr. Albers says, can save you some grief in the long run.

“If you start pulling back, a lot of parents with narcissistic tendencies will promise to change or make grand gestures,” she explains. “You need to protect yourself against this hoovering behavior. It might feel like you’re about to get what you’ve always wanted and deserved, but you won’t. Don’t fall for any of those promises of change or self-improvement.”

8. Choose confrontations wisely

Standing up for yourself is a good thing. But when you’re dealing with somebody who has narcissistic tendencies, it can also be … a lot.

“It can feel like you’re walking on eggshells,” Dr. Albers laments. “Confronting a parent who has narcissistic qualities can get exhausting. You need to be strategic about when you have difficult conversations. And you have to proceed with caution when they’re happening.”

Not all people who display narcissistic behaviors are violent. But it’s important to err on the side of safety if you have any concerns at all.

“Not all parents with narcissistic traits behave the same way. But in some cases, arguments can and do escalate” Dr. Albers recognizes. “If your parent has violent tendencies and you don’t do what they say, it could become very physical.”

If you feel threatened in any way, she urges you to skip the confrontation. Instead:

• Seek out somebody you feel comfortable sharing with.
• Make an appointment with a mental health provider.
• Attend a support group meeting.
• If you’re in the U.S. call or text 800.799.7233, or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website.
• If you live outside of the U.S., visit the NO MORE Global Directory.

9. Consider going no contact (if you can)

“In extreme situations, going no contact is sometimes the safest and only option — especially if you’re experiencing domestic violence of any kind,” Dr. Albers concedes.

Going no contact is a big decision that can have serious consequences. And some of them can be hard to anticipate. Speak to a mental health provider or support person before making any big moves. They can help you think through your options and the logistics.

If you’re under 18, speak with a trusted adult or mental health provider. Be sure to familiarize yourself with local laws around mandatory reporting, emancipation, guardianship and more beforehand. That way, you can ask questions about any information you don’t understand.

Breaking the cycle

There’s nothing fun about dealing with a parent’s narcissistic behavior — or the harm it causes. But doing the work to heal yourself may be even more important than you realize.

“Sometimes, trauma and narcissism can be passed down from generation to generation,” Dr. Albers notes.

You can’t make people change. But you can be intentional about how you live your own life. Learning to identify narcissistic parenting, stand up to it and protect yourself against it doesn’t just help you preserve your mental health. It also gives you the insight you need to forge a different, happier path.