Going No-Contact With a Parent or Family Member: What You Need To Know

Going no-contact means you cut off all forms of communication with one or more members of your family. It’s usually a way to protect yourself or someone you’re responsible for, like a child or grandchild. Think of it as setting the ultimate boundary.

Going no-contact is often a last resort — a move you make when your family member is unwilling or unable to change their toxic behavior. In cases of abuse, going no-contact may be the only safe option.

Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD, explains the benefits and drawbacks of going no-contact and how to decide if it’s the right step for you.

Benefits of going no-contact

The choice to go no-contact isn’t easy or fun. But it might be worth it. Ending your relationship with a toxic parent or family member may provide:

• Mental and emotional clarity: Dr. Childs says removing yourself from a bad situation can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. It may also give your sense of self-worth a bump.
• A sense of empowerment: Advocating for yourself takes courage and vulnerability. Successfully standing up for yourself with your family may make it easier to maintain boundaries with other people, too.
• Stability: Do you feel like you live every second of your day in fight-or-flight mode? Taking a break from toxic family members may relieve some of that tension and help you feel secure.
• Space for self-care: Family conflicts can draw your attention away from your needs, goals and priorities. Dr. Childs says many people who go no-contact end up taking better care of themselves because they have more time and energy to devote to their own health and well-being.
• Healing: It takes time to recover — mentally, emotionally and even physically — from toxic relationships. Going no-contact can give you space to heal, reflect and rebuild your boundaries.
• An end to generational cycles: Going no-contact may help you put an end to any toxic conflicts and behaviors you grew up with. “You’re breaking trauma cycles because you’re modeling healthy behavior for others who are watching, like your kids or your friends,” Dr. Childs explains.

Drawbacks of going no-contact

There are lots of good reasons to remove toxic family members from your life. But it isn’t a quick fix. And it can also come with consequences.

• No guarantees: In an ideal world, your actions will push your loved one to reflect on — and maybe decide to change — their behavior. But they may not respond that way. And you can’t force people to change.
• Grief: Going no-contact, even if it’s your choice, can be the beginning of a complicated grieving process. That’s because estrangement is a type of ambiguous loss.
• Logistical issues: Families are connected by more than just blood. Going no-contact may mean untangling your finances, changing your emergency contact info, finding new housing and more.
• Retaliation: Toxic people may not respect the boundaries you set by going no-contact. (More on how to handle that in a bit.)
• Complicated family dynamics: Choosing to go no-contact with a family member may change your relationships with other loved ones, too.
• Loneliness: Breaking ties with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you stop loving them. And you may struggle with missing them, especially on holidays or at important events.
• Backlash: Does your culture or religious faith expect children to unconditionally obey and support their family? If so, going no-contact may impact your relationship with your community.
• Guilt or regret: You may feel bad about going no-contact, now or in the future. That doesn’t necessarily make it the wrong choice. But you’ll need to acknowledge those doubts to make changes or move forward.

Perhaps the biggest downside of going no-contact? It isn’t always reversible.

“What if you change your mind later?” Dr. Childs poses. “If your loved one decides they want no contact, you have no choice but to respect their boundaries, like they respected yours.”

How to go no-contact

Going no-contact may be the right choice for you. But it requires thought and, sometimes, planning. Dr. Childs says you need to:

• Set a goal. Think carefully about what you hope going no-contact will achieve. Ask yourself if those expectations are fair, given the person (or people) you’re in conflict with.
• Consider other options. In some cases, it may be worth trying family therapy, limited contact or a short-term break.
• Find social support. Dr. Childs says having a support system in place before going no-contact can be helpful, whether it’s sympathetic family members, friends or a partner.
• Prioritize healing. Dr. Childs recommends processing difficult experiences and emotions with a mental health professional before, during and after going no-contact.
• Make a plan for contact when it happens. Game out scenarios like ending up at the same wedding or your estranged family member having a serious medical emergency.
• Keep yourself safe. If going no-contact could risk your safety, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website. They have tools to make a safety plan.

It’s also important to consider your age, Dr. Childs notes. If you’re a minor, everything’s a bit more difficult. If you’re considering going no-contact, she recommends having a conversation with a trusted adult — like a counselor, doctor or social worker — about the reasons why.

Here’s the thing about going no-contact: It only works if the person you’re cutting ties with respects your wishes.

“When you go no-contact, it’s usually because that person’s already crossed your boundaries,” Dr. Childs observes. “So, them not adhering to a no-contact request is something you need to be ready for.”

Dr. Childs advises that you keep records of any phone calls, trespassing or other unwanted attempts at contact. “That’s when you can take it to the courts,” she explains. “You can ask for a restraining order or protection order if necessary.”

Final thoughts

Going no-contact isn’t easy. But sometimes, it’s the best option for everyone. If you’re considering estrangement but could use some help, a mental health provider can assist you in making a plan and support you throughout the process.