Social Skills 101: How To Help Your Child Make Friends

As parents, we understand how difficult social situations can be. PTA meetings, gymnastics practice and field trip chaperoning can be extremely awkward — and we’ve had decades of practice making friends! So, it’s little wonder children don’t always know what to do or say when interacting with their peers.

There are lots of possible reasons your kid only has a few friends. Maybe they’re just an introvert. They can make friends whenever they want (and have a few close buddies) but are happiest and most comfortable in their own company. There’s nothing wrong with that!

But if your child is experiencing shyness or social anxiety, it’s time to step in. As a parent, there are ways you can help, says psychologist Kate Eshleman, PsyD.

“If your child doesn’t appear to make friends like other kids the same age, they may just need some coaching and practice time on simple social skills,” she says.

But what exactly are social skills? Dr. Eshleman explains and offers eight tips to help you assess the situation and give your child a much-needed boost of confidence.

The importance of social skills for children

Research tells us that social skills are key to child development. A 2015 study found that kindergarten students with strong social-emotional skills went on to have better outcomes as young adults in several key areas, including educational attainment, employment, criminal activity, substance use and mental health. In other words, social skills make it easier to navigate the tough terrain that is growing up.

Is your little one not so little anymore? That’s OK! It’s never too late to make progress.

How to help your child make friends

It just doesn’t make sense. Your middle schooler has intense social anxiety, but you’re the life of every party and your high schooler’s the lead in the school play! What gives?

Remember to be realistic about your child’s unique personality and temperament, which guides how much social interaction they seek. Just because you have dozens of friends doesn’t mean your child will. And that doesn’t necessarily mean there is a problem. Some introverted children make a few really close friends instead of having lots of casual friendships.

“It’s tough when a parent’s normal doesn’t line up with their child’s normal,” Dr. Eshleman recognizes. “As long as your kid’s doing things they want to do and are happy and well-adjusted, that’s good.”

But there’s a big difference between being introverted and being shy. Being introverted is about needing a lot of alone time and being easily overstimulated. Shyness — and its cousin, social anxiety — is about fear of rejection. If that’s what’s going on, you need to intervene. Here are Dr. Eshleman’s tips.

1. Take time to observe and understand how your child socializes

Start with a “fly on the wall” approach, Dr. Eshleman suggests. Attend a few activities at or after school. While you’re there, pay close attention to how your child interacts with others. Are they behaving differently than they do at home? If so, why?

Your child may have a tough time starting conversations. They might have anxiety in large groups, or perhaps it’s a fear of public speaking that keeps them from engaging meaningfully with other children. Do they prefer to keep to themselves and observe instead of joining in?

Depending on what behavior you see, you can then decide where to focus your attention, what skills need building and how you can contribute. “Trust your instincts because you know your kid best,” she encourages.

2. Don’t avoid the problem

If social situations are difficult for your child, you might be tempted to avoid or ignore the problem. Nobody likes awkward conversations, especially when there’s a chance the topic could upset your kid! But having tough conversations is a skill that’s worth practicing with your kiddo in a safe, supportive space.

Sticking with it — even and especially when it’s hard — is a skill, too. Life would almost certainly be easier without the playdates, parties and extracurriculars. But your child won’t learn to improve their relationships by always sitting at home with you.

Dr. Eshleman recommends gradually pushing a shy child slightly beyond their comfort zone into new situations, with gentle coaching and encouragement.

“Don’t throw them off the diving board. Gently ease them toward the deep end,” she says.

3. Teach your kid basic social strategies

We’ve all had the experience of talking to somebody new and being enveloped in an awkward silence. It happens to everybody, but your kid might not realize that. Giving them a plan or some conversational principles to fall back on can give them the confidence to push through the anxious moments. Here are a few basics that you can practice at home:

• Adopt open body language.
• Break the ice with a compliment. (Side note: Don’t comment on a person’s body. “You have great handwriting!” or “That’s an incredible necklace” are safer ways to start a conversation.)
• Memorize a few go-to conversation starters that you can fall back on in a pinch.
• Ask open-ended questions to keep the conversation flowing and uncover common interests.
• Engage in active listening so you can ask meaningful questions.

4. Role play at home

If your child finds it difficult to start conversations at lunch or during free time at school, Dr. Eshleman recommends practicing at home. That list of conversational basics we shared is helpful, but only if your kiddo feels comfortable using the techniques. And that part can be a real challenge, especially if your child experiences anxiety in social situations.

Getting past the impulse to freeze or flee may take some work, but that work can be fun! Discuss the topics they might want to bring up with their classmates. Test different options until they find something that comes naturally. Practice active listening by having conversations with each other.

Here’s a bonus: You’ll probably learn something new about your kid!

5. Model positive social behavior

Children really do learn by example, so be mindful of how you interact with others.

Every time you strike up conversations with friends or neighbors — or trade small talk with the check-out person at the grocery store — your child is aware. That, Dr. Eshleman explains, means almost every scenario becomes a learning opportunity, a chance for your child to see how you initiate, join in, negotiate and problem-solve.

6. Give your child a head start

If your child wants to play baseball but is nervous about meeting their teammates, visit the field with them a few days ahead of time and throw the ball around so they can get acclimated. Go early to the first practice so you arrive before others show up and the scene gets more chaotic.

Learning how to do something new at the same time that they’re trying to socialize might be a bit much for your child right now. So, if they want to take swimming lessons, for example, let them take a couple private lessons before joining a full class, so they’ll already have built up some confidence in the water.

7. Reinforce and praise

Make it exciting and rewarding to practice trying new things. Even when your child is only making slow progress, Dr. Eshleman notes that you need to make sure to reinforce their efforts.

“Acknowledge each small success and tell your child how proud you are that they keep trying,” she urges.

8. Get the ball rolling

For smaller children, setting up a play date with just one other child is often a good idea. If your child is older, you might open up the house by inviting the other members of the chess club over for pizza and a movie.

Holding events at your home means your kid gets to have a “home-field advantage.” They won’t have to negotiate a new environment, stilted conversations with parents or interactions with rambunctious pets.

“Especially in the beginning, the goal is to help your child feel comfortable socializing and make it a positive experience,” Dr. Eshleman reinforces.

When to get help

You’ve tried every trick in the book, but your kid still cries at night because “nobody likes them.” Maybe your child has become sullen, withdrawn and utterly uninterested in trying to make friends. Maybe your child makes friends, but seems to lose them just as fast. Maybe your child’s getting in trouble at school for bullying, rule-breaking and other anti-social behaviors.

There are lots of reasons a child might not be fitting in. For example:

• They have an underlying condition that makes it harder to interact with people, like autism spectrum disorder (ASD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or conduct disorder.
• Like many other kids, their social skills took a hit during the worst of the COVID-19 pandemic and they haven’t caught up to their peers.
• They’re experiencing mental health issues like depression.
• They have an undiagnosed sleep disorder that’s leaving them tired and irritable during the day.

Whatever the situation, Dr. Eshleman reminds us that you don’t have to navigate it alone. And you probably shouldn’t.

“Bring up your concerns with your primary care provider or, if they have one, your child’s mental health provider,” she recommends. “They can assess your child to make sure there isn’t anything else going on, or if there is something going on, that they get the support they need to be successful.”