Tips to Tame Hometown Anxiety

Returning home for a visit can give you A LOT to unpack — and we’re not talking about luggage.

Emotional and psychological baggage often gets opened when you return to your roots for the holidays or some other event. It’s what can happen when your past and present lives come together.

So, how can you best deal with hometown anxiety? Let’s get some advice from psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD.

What is hometown anxiety?

“Hometown anxiety” is a phrase that captures the unease or stress that may hit when you go back to your hometown or childhood home after moving away.

“It’s not an official diagnosis,” clarifies Dr. Albers, “but it’s a useful and accurate term.”

The force behind this emotional discomfort varies from person to person. But the result is frequently the same: A sort of “culture shock” as you navigate settings that feel familiar yet distant.

Because if you’ve been away for a while, odds are, you’ve changed. The same can be said of the people you’re going to visit, too. Heck, your hometown itself may have changed.

“What you’re expecting from your past experiences probably won’t be what you get when you return,” explains Dr. Albers. “That’s a lot to process as you’re tiptoeing through a minefield of memories.”

What can trigger hometown anxiety?

There’s no shortage of factors that can bring on hometown anxiety, but some of the more common ones include:

• Powerful memories: Your brain naturally attaches good and bad memories to a place. “They can come to the surface the moment you walk in the door,” notes Dr. Albers. “That brings out a lot of emotions, which isn’t always easy.”
• Awkward familiarity: Stepping into an old routine can feel comfortable, but it may also seem claustrophobic or stifling, especially if it keeps you from being the current version of yourself.
• Role regression: Family and friends back home may still treat you like the person they remember. “They might not recognize how you’ve evolved,” says Dr. Albers. “There can really be a mismatch of who you are now versus the past.”
• Passing judgment: Probing questions that hit a nerve — like “Why aren’t you married yet?’ or “How come you weren’t promoted?” — can easily leave you feeling upset and defensive.
• Potential conflict: Old arguments sometimes don’t fade away with time. Interactions can become tense when past troubles bubble up or you run into someone you’d rather avoid.

How to limit hometown anxiety

While you may never completely eliminate hometown anxiety, here are nine ways to tamp it down.

1. Set realistic expectations

If you return home expecting a perfectly magical experience … well, the realities of life suggest you may be disappointed. Travel isn’t always easy. Relationships can be complicated and messy. Plans fall apart.

It’s best to anticipate a little turbulence so you’re prepared for any bumps along the way.

“If you expect you may feel some anxiety, you’ll be better prepared if it comes,” recommends Dr. Albers. “Know that there may be some surprises.”

2. Keep an open mind

Home is a place we tend to either glorify or demonize. The truth, of course, is probably somewhere between those extremes.

“Be curious and not critical,” suggests Dr. Albers.

3. Know your triggers

Think about what might push your buttons and work to avoid them. Maybe that means skipping a visit to an old haunt that you connect to a negative memory. Or avoiding political debates with relatives who don’t exactly share your views.

“Start thinking ahead of time how you might handle those situations,” advises Dr. Albers. “With a little planning, you’ll be better prepared to deal with situations in the moment.”

4. Limit alcohol

Alcohol carries a well-earned reputation as a troublemaker during tense times. That’s worth taking into consideration if you’re walking into what could be an uncomfortable or volatile setting.

So, if you’re stressed about the holidays, maybe start your “Dry January” a bit early.

5. Get in some ‘me time’

Daily schedules tend to get packed during trips. In the midst of the chaos, make sure to carve out some time for yourself. Maybe that means heading out for a run or grabbing a little quiet time to escape into a book. Practicing a little mindfulness won’t hurt either.

“Build in some breaks around your visiting time,” says Dr. Albers.

Bottom line? Detaching for a bit to do something you enjoy can help you feel more independent and secure in your identity.

6. Connect to your current life

Don’t forget your current life while walking in your old footsteps. Set aside some time to video chat or call a friend or loved one at your new home. Even a few simple catch-up texts can help you feel connected.

“That can help you stay connected with who you are in the moment,” notes Dr. Albers.

7. Explore your feelings

Only you know how you feel. Given that, it helps to be honest with yourself. Dr. Albers recommends writing down your thoughts and feelings before, during and after your visit to help sort through your emotions.

“Just a couple of notes here and there can help you process what happens,” she adds. “It will also give you data to help you the next time you go back.”

8. Stay positive

Avoid the temptation to dwell on a few negatives: “You may have had a childhood that was 95% great, but it’s the 5% that stands out in your brain,” illustrates Dr. Albers. “Focus on the things that are great about going home.”

9. Be yourself

Dr. Albers recommends making a list of who you are as a person. To do this, she suggests using “I am” statements that can ground you and reflect what makes you … well, YOU.

Avoid the temptation to try to be more, too.

“It can be tempting to create the highlight reel or a glorified version of yourself when you go home,” she continues. “But remember to be authentic when you return home and embrace who you really are.”

When to seek help for hometown anxiety

If you’re feeling hometown anxiety even before you get home, talk it through with a trained therapist or someone you trust. That’s especially true if your worries are affecting your:

• Sleep
• Eating
• Day-to-day functioning

“If you’re experiencing anticipation anxiety that has you exhausted weeks before you even get home, that’s a red flag,” cautions Dr. Albers. “Talk to someone. You may need some assistance with unravelling all that’s going on inside so you can enjoy going home instead of dreading it.”

Final thoughts

It’s very normal to experience hometown anxiety. It’s not necessarily a bad thing either.

“Take it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and maybe even see how far you’ve come,” advocates Dr. Albers. “Even if there’s a little discomfort, a return home is something to be enjoyed.”