Is Sharing Always Caring? How To Encourage Your Kids To Share

Picture this: You’re at the playground with your toddler and they’re having a blast playing with their favorite toy truck. Suddenly, another child walks up and asks to play with it. Your child grips the truck tighter and refuses to let go. The other child persists, reaching for the truck again. Like many parents, you may feel the urge to step in and make them share — but is that really the best approach?

Teaching kids to share is one of the most important lessons in early childhood, but it can also be tricky. Learning how to share can help with building empathy and social skills. But forcing kids to share (especially before they’re the right age) can do more harm than good.

“As parents, we all want our kids to be kind,” understands pediatric psychologist Kate Eshleman, PsyD. “And there are ways to be kind that may or may not include sharing.”

Dr. Eshleman explains the best ways to teach kids how to share, while fostering cooperation and kindness, without playtime turning into a power struggle.

Importance of sharing

So, how do you guide your child to develop this important skill without pressuring them or causing stress? The answer lies in encouraging sharing in a way that respects their feelings and promotes empathy over time.

"I think it’s really important to encourage sharing and help kids understand why it’s important,” Dr. Eshleman notes.

This is why learning how to share is crucial for your child’s development. Learning how to share:

• Builds empathy. Sharing allows children to understand and appreciate the feelings of others. When they share, they can recognize that others have wants and needs just like them, which promotes empathy and kindness. It also teaches children about boundaries.
• Fosters social skills. Learning to share, even when it’s difficult, is an important part of developing good social skills. Sharing allows children to engage in common activities and play with others, which is important for their social development.
• Teaches emotional regulation. Sharing also helps children practice waiting their turn and managing the emotions that may bubble up when they can’t immediately have what they want. This can also help kids manage frustration when they don't always get their way, which builds emotional resilience.

“These are really important concepts that are best developed in childhood, and last into adulthood,” points out Dr. Eshleman.

Tips to encourage sharing

If you’re a parent or caregiver of a small child, you’ve probably said, “Please share!” to your child more than once. But beyond that, what other ways can sharing be taught and encouraged in a child?

1. Start teaching at the right time

As Dr. Eshleman explains, sharing can only really begin to be understood at a certain developmental age — specifically at 3 years old. In other words, your 1- to 2-year-old isn’t going to understand your lesson about why sharing is important, no matter how convincing you are.

“There’s an age at which sharing becomes possible,” she reiterates. “Kids younger than about 3 probably don’t have very strong feelings about something that they don’t wish to share. But they also can’t really wrap their heads around the concept of sharing and turn-taking.” 

You should wait until your child is 3 or older to really start homing in on the lessons of sharing and why it’s essential.

“If a child becomes distressed at this age, it’s appropriate to validate their feelings, and assuming they’re safe during a tantrum, use planned ignoring,” recommends Dr. Eshleman.

“I think beyond the age of 3, it starts to get easier, but not always easy,” she continues. “Because at this age, kids themselves start to internalize or understand the benefits of sharing, like if they’re having a playdate or spending time with friends.

“But what we don’t want is for them to feel frustrated when they don’t automatically change their behavior to what we want them to do,” she adds.

2. Explain the importance of sharing

When they get to the right age, Dr. Eshleman stresses the importance of teaching your kids to share in a way that doesn’t make them ashamed of their feelings. Because no matter what, there are going to be moments where they don’t want to share, even if they understand that it is fair and good.

“I think the assumption sometimes is that everyone shares all the time, and if you don’t, you’re selfish and bad,” she poses. “And that’s not true. It just means that they're having a harder time giving up the activity that they're enjoying and understanding that perspective,” Dr. Eshleman.

A good way to help your child understand is by explaining the importance of sharing in the moment. You could ask: “How would you feel if your friend didn’t let you on the swing?” to help them understand that they can’t have everything they want all the time. It can also be good to point out how sharing could make an activity more fun: “Wouldn’t you have a better time if your brother went on the seesaw with you?”

3. Praise your kids when they share

One of the best ways to teach sharing is through positive reinforcement. That means praising your child when they do show sharing behaviors on their own.

“When you catch a child doing good — if you see them sharing — you can give them very specific positive feedback on that so they know that behavior makes you happy,” suggests Dr. Eshleman.

When your child shares, immediately acknowledge their effort with specific praise like, “I love how you shared your toy with your friend!” or “Did you see how happy your sister was when you gave her some of your candy?” This positive reinforcement helps them feel good about sharing.

You can even try using a reward system, such as a sticker chart, where your child earns a reward for sharing behaviors. Keep the focus on how sharing makes others happy and strengthens their friendships.

4. Model good behavior

It’s also good to lead by example. After all, you’re probably the person your child looks up to the most.

“When we show our kids that we share with other people, it can make them want to repeat that behavior,” Dr. Eshleman explains.

It helps to create opportunities where your child can observe your acts of sharing in daily life like:

• Sharing meals and snacks
• Offering a drink of water to your child or someone else
• Asking someone in the family if they want to choose something to watch on TV
• Offering to do a chore for your partner

5. Create opportunities for sharing

Often, the opportunity to share may come on its own through everyday life, but a little nudge here and there can give your child good practice while under your guidance.

“For example, in our neighborhood, we have a park, where all the toys are just donated from families. And when you go to a playground, everything is meant to be shared. None of it is assigned to anyone. So, putting your kids in environments where sharing and turn-taking is expected can be helpful,” Dr. Eshleman illustrates.

Another idea? “Maybe for a family event, when the cousins are going to be around, you get activities like sidewalk chalk or a hula hoop that, again, are meant to be shared, and then we practice that in a positive atmosphere,” she adds.

These opportunities can also be a good chance to show your child that sharing can be fun and make play more engaging. You could ask them: “Wouldn’t it be more fun if you could play this game with your friend?”

“And as kids get older, they tend to have more shared interest in activities and become more engaged in cooperative activities like shooting baskets or playing catch. It automatically involves using the same ball with other people, and so part of that develops as our interests and activities change over time,” Dr. Eshleman highlights.

6. Know when to intervene (and when not to)

The answer to this question isn’t black and white. But as Dr. Eshleman notes, intervening may not always be the best course of action.

“It depends on the situation,” she clarifies. “But if, as an adult, you can stay out of it, that’s better. Because then, the kids are developing those problem-solving skills and learning to collaborate and cooperate and figure it out themselves, which is really the goal.”

Of course, there are times when you need to intervene. For example, it’s time to step in if you notice that the conflict may lead to throwing, hitting or other acts of violence. “We want everyone to be safe,” she says.

Dr. Eshleman recommends circling back with your child about the situation later to help them learn and reflect. Try approaching the topic by saying something like: “I heard you two arguing over that toy. What was going on? How could we do that differently? What were you feeling?”

7. Don’t force it

When it comes to teaching sharing, forcing it isn’t the best approach — no matter how passionately you feel about it.

"I think it’s really shifted in recent years,” Dr. Eshleman reflects. “What we did previously was to try and force kids to share. But now, we’re really focusing on encouraging it, talking about benefits and helping kids understand why it’s important.”

For example, kids — especially younger ones — are still developing a sense of ownership over their possessions. Forcing them to share can make them feel like they don’t have control over their own things, leading to resentment or frustration.

It’s also important for kids to learn healthy boundaries for themselves. And forced sharing can sometimes blur those lines. While you want your child to share with others, they shouldn’t feel like they need to give in every time someone asks for something.

“It’s important that the parents don’t force sharing just for the sake of doing so,” Dr. Eshleman stresses. “If the cost of teaching sharing causes significant stress to your child, it may make them more reluctant to do so in the future.”

The bottom line: Learning about sharing takes time

Teaching kids to share is a journey that requires patience, understanding and a little creativity. It might be confusing at times, but that’s OK. By modeling sharing behavior, having open communication and creating opportunities for turn-taking, your child can learn the true joy of sharing.