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Anorgasmia is a fairly common concern with a wide range of physical and psychological causes
Clinically speaking, an orgasm is the peak of sexual arousal. But what counts as a peak, exactly? And how can you tell when you’ve reached your destination if you’ve never been there before? What if you reach a summit, but the view isn’t very impressive?
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Without a map, trail or guide, the science and sensations of sexual climax can be difficult to navigate. Add any emotional or cultural baggage to the equation, and it’s natural to feel frustrated — and maybe even a little embarrassed.
It may help to know that you’re not alone on this particular journey. Lots of women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB) either can’t climax or need help from medical professionals before they can get there. Gynecologist Talia Crawford, MD, explains why orgasms can be so elusive and walks us through a range of potential solutions.
There’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sexual function. Everybody — and every body — is different. Your orgasm, or lack thereof, isn’t just a product of sexual arousal. It’s impacted by everything from the medications you take and your stress levels to your mental health and your relationship with your partner.
So, you can rest assured, you definitely aren’t the only person out there who’s never climaxed. In fact, there’s a medical term for it: anorgasmia.
“It’s actually a pretty common concern,” Dr. Crawford says. “And even people who can and do orgasm aren’t necessarily getting the experience you read about in books or see on screen.”
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The way sex is represented in popular culture, you could easily get the impression that climaxing is always an earth-shatteringly profound event. For most people, that’s not the case. Sometimes, that much-anticipated release of sexual tension, while pleasurable, isn’t much more than a blip on your body’s radar. And frequently, it doesn’t happen at all.
The research on this topic is spotty at best and tends to focus on the experiences of cisgender, heterosexual women. But both scientific studies and not-so-scientific online sex surveys suggest that many people AFAB either:
Here are some reasons you might not be reaching the “big O”:
If you’ve never had an orgasm (and want to change that), the first and most important step you need to take is having a discussion or two. If you’re in a relationship, that conversation should be with your partner.
“To increase your chances of climaxing, talk to your partner about massage of the clitoris during sex,” Dr. Crawford advises. If you’re flying solo, DIY it and see what happens.
If clitoral stimulation doesn’t work, it’s worth bringing the issue up with your primary care provider or an Ob/Gyn. They’ll review your medications and perform an exam to determine if there’s a medical reason you aren’t able to climax. Sometimes, additional testing may be needed. Your provider will help you determine the best course of treatment after your evaluation. This may include meeting with a pelvic floor physical therapist, sex therapist or psychologist.
“It may feel a bit embarrassing to share the details of your sex life with a healthcare professional, but your sexual health is a very important part of your overall well-being, so it is important to address these concerns,” Dr. Crawford states.
While you’re talking, be sure to mention any other symptoms that you think may be impacting your ability to climax, like:
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Here are some things you can try right now:
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Have you ever heard the phrase, “A watched pot never boils”? The same goes for orgasms … sort of. Anxiety is a total mood killer, so do the best you can to relax and go with the flow. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, you can try again later.
Dr. Crawford explains that being patient with yourself is key.
“If you’ve never experienced an orgasm, it might require an hour of stimulation to produce results the first time,” she says. “It might even take multiple tries until you get comfortable with the feelings of strong arousal.” If there are physical or mental obstacles standing between you and the finish line, it could be a while before you’re ready.
Her advice? Focus on the journey, not the destination.
“There are lots of different ways to experience pleasure and they don’t always involve orgasm,” Dr. Crawford adds. “Think about sex as not so much a means to an end, but as an opportunity to learn about your body, your partner (if you have one) and different kinds of intimacy.”
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