Understanding Mental Load: What It Is and How It Affects You

You’re feeling drained. But haven’t really accomplished anything.

You’re snapping at your partner. But aren’t sure why.

You can’t seem to make even the most basic of decisions. But don’t know what’s stopping you. (Chicken or fish for dinner tonight? Oh, cooome ooon ... This isn’t a life-altering choice.)

The trouble could be that you’re carrying a heavy mental load. That your brain is working overtime. And it’s zapping your energy.

We all have a mental load. But we don’t often think about how all that mental effort affects us. Or find strategies to deal with it.

But it’s important to find opportunities to lower your load before you get crushed by the weight.

We talked about mental load with psychotherapist Amy Brodsky, LISW-S. What is it? And why does it matter?

What is mental load?

Mental load is the burden of all the thoughts that are running through our minds day in and day out. It’s the heavy weight of the ever-running to-do list in our heads. Our constant worries about how we’re stacking up. The planning and decision-making we do all the live-long day.

It’s all the invisible work we do behind the scenes.

We all shoulder a mental load. But it can be heftier for some people than for others. That can be especially true if you:

• Are a parent or other caregiver
• Have a job that is particularly mentally taxing
• Don’t have a strong support system
• Live with a mental health condition, like anxiety or depression
• Are going through a particularly stressful time — like grief, relationship troubles, health issues or financial concerns

“I think of mental load as the number of things we have to keep track of in our mind — obligations to remember, tasks we need to get done, relationships we need to attend to, appointments that are coming up,” Brodsky notes. “Mental load is the total all of the decisions — big and small — that we need to keep at the front of our mind.”

It’s different from just having a lot of things to do. The physical effort of keeping up with your job, household obligations, running errands and reading your emails is one thing. Mental load is the thought that it takes to get those things done.

For example, if you’re hosting a party, you need to make some food, put the beverages on ice, decorate the house and so on. Those are the physical tasks.

The mental load of party planning is all the thought and decisions it takes to pull it off:

• What should the theme be?
• Plastic tablecloths or linen?
• What are my guests’ dietary restrictions? What can I make to accommodate their needs? Do I have the ingredients I need?
• How many bottles of water will be enough? Should I serve alcohol? Do I have a big enough cooler?
• What’s the backup plan if it rains and we need to move the party indoors?

And, of course, that’s all added on top of all the other thoughts you’re balancing about keeping your house (relatively) clean, your loved ones cared for, your boss off your back, your health in check, and so on and so on.

All that mental energy can add up. And feel like a swirling vortex of mental work that never lets up.

How it affects you and your relationships

The mental gymnastics of keeping up with a heavy mental load can take a toll on your relationships and on your own well-being.

Brodsky shares a few of the ways that mental load affects us.

Decision fatigue

It’s estimated that adults make about 35,000 decisions a day. Some of them big. Some seemingly inconsequential. But it all totals up to a lot of mental energy.

Do I need a coat today? Soy milk or oat milk in my latte? When do I need to leave to make it to that meeting on time?

When your brain gets overwhelmed with so many choices, you may feel the urge to just opt out.

That’s decision fatigue.

“It’s like the stereotypic interaction between spouses, “Where do you want to go to dinner?” “I don't know. Where do you want to go to dinner?” Brodsky illustrates. “When we’ve been making so many choices all day, there can be a strong desire to have somebody else just make some decisions for you because you’re tapped out.”

Mood changes

Your mental load takes up space in your brain. And it can eat up your emotional reserves.

“Sometimes, it’s hard to remain compassionate — both in your interactions with other people and in how you talk to yourself — when you're busy keeping track of so many things,” Brodsky points out.

The weight of your mental load can make you more likely to feel:

• Irritable
• Antsy
• Anxious
• Tired
• Insensitive
• Overwhelmed
• Self-critical

Restlessness

A too-high mental load can keep you from getting the sleep you need. If your mental to-do list is running on repeat as you hit the sheets, it can be tough to switch it off and get your ZZZs.

But that sleepless night can keep you from feeling refreshed and prepared to take on the mental work on your plate for the next day.

It’s a vicious cycle. And a recipe for burnout.

And it’s not just your sleep needs that can take a hit. A heavy mental load can keep you from giving your mind and body a break during the day, too.

“We all need to be able to switch off our brains sometimes and just ... be,” Brodsky acknowledges. “But if your thoughts are in constant motion, people can lose track of what resting even is, let alone how to do it.”

Ever try to sit and read a book but find yourself instead folding laundry, searching your phone for the perfect birthday gift for your friend or researching whether you need to get that mole checked out?

It could be that your mental load is keeping you from some much-needed (and well-deserved!) downtime.

Physical effects

Stress can do a number on your physical health. And a heavy mental load can certainly be stressful.

The burden of a mind full of to-dos, decisions and negative self-talk can affect more than your mental well-being.

“You might feel like you’re holding up fine, but then notice your shoulders are tensed up, your jaw is clenched or that you’re having unexplained aches and pains,” Brodsky shares.

How to deal with mental load

It’s important to recognize that we all carry a mental load. We all have decisions to make and thoughts to attend to.

That’s part of being human.

But there are ways that you can ... unload your mental load, so to speak. At least a little.

Brodsky suggests these strategies.

Make a list

For some people, writing down their to-dos and crossing them off one by one can be extremely satisfying — physical proof that you’re taking care of business.

For others, seeing that laundry list of tasks can be paralyzing.

If it helps to get things out of your head and onto paper (or in a spreadsheet, a note in your phone or whatever your preferred method), go for it. And enjoy the satisfaction of conquering at least some of what’s on your mind.

If it just adds to the problem, consider using another method, like a calendar or setting reminders on your phone. That way you have not just a list, but a plan for attending to things.

“Oftentimes, people say, I make a list, but I don't look at it. Sometimes, even just that is useful because writing it down and knowing it’s written down, gives you relief,” Brodsky explains.

“For some people, having a list makes them anxious because they can see everything that they can’t get done. In those cases, it can help to remember that you can always adjust and adapt. Think of it as structure with forgiveness.”

Enlist help

Not everyone has the luxury of help. We get that.

We don’t all have people in our lives we can rely on to take the kids to the dentist. Or to take on a work project for us. Or to recognize when it’s time to take out the trash.

Sometimes, our mental load is ours and ours alone. “That’s what makes it a mental load — sometimes, people just have a lot to juggle,” Brosky acknowledges.

And while that’s true, there may be opportunities to enlist some help, at least some of the time.

Consider what’s on your mental plate and whether there’s a chance that someone can help you get it done.

• Can your partner take responsibility for paying the bills?
• Are the kids old enough to take on a few household chores?
• Is there room in the budget to hire someone else to tend to the yardwork?
• Would your boss be receptive to pushing back that deadline?
• Might your friend be open to going for a walk instead of happy hour today (because how else will you ever get your steps in)?

Lessen the need for decision-making

Remember all those decisions we need to make just to make it through the day? There may be some opportunities to make those choices less of a burden.

You might try:

• Meal-prepping in advance or planning a weekly meal plan
• Reconsidering your wardrobe for easier mixing and matching
• Creating a rotation of daily, weekly and monthly chores
• Setting your bills to auto-pay

Start by first weighing which decisions are the ones that would be helpful to do away with.

“If you enjoy cooking, don’t limit yourself to a set meal plan. If you like putting together your outfit every morning, don’t aim for streamlining that,” Brodsky states. “Find the things that you don’t enjoy making choices about and see if you can make those decisions less demanding.”

Get comfortable with ‘good enough’

If you tend to fall on the perfectionistic side, it can be difficult to accept that not everything needs all of your attention all the time.

That’s a tough mindset to change. But if you can, it can significantly reduce the mental load that you carry.

“Good enough gets a bad rap,” Brodsky reflects “When something is said to be ‘good enough,’ we interpret that as somehow being less than good enough. We forget what those words literally mean. Not everything has to be excellent.”

What does good enough mean for your mental load? It means that you can deprioritize the tasks and decisions that aren’t as critical.

That party you’re hosting? What if you went for good enough? What if you didn’t bother at all with tablecloths? Or asked people to BYOB instead of trying to guess what everyone’s preferred beverage would be?

Would the party be ruined? Nope.

It would be good enough. Maybe even better. Because you wouldn’t be so bogged down about all those insignificant details. You would have free yourself up to enjoy time with your guests.

We all have a mental load to carry. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just a busy human thing.

If your mental load is weighing on you, talking with a mental health provider can help lessen the load.