How To Deal With Difficult People

Difficult people can be ... well, difficult to deal with. They can take a toll on your physical, emotional and mental health. It could be a coworker, a spouse, a family member or a friend — and you may think of them as inconsistent, unreliable, disagreeable or inflexible.

But it can be helpful to know how to deal with difficult people — and to have certain techniques in your back pocket for the next time you encounter a challenging person.

How to deal with difficult people

Psychologist Brianne Markley, PhD, offers the following advice for dealing with challenging people.

1. Lead with empathy

Use this compassionate approach to consider what someone else may be feeling, whether that’s emotional or physical.

“Being empathetic can be particularly helpful in navigating a relationship with somebody who may be viewed as difficult because it can disarm a situation or change the dynamics in your relationship,” explains Dr. Markley.

2. Listen

Along with taking an empathetic approach, it’s important to take the time to truly listen to what the other person is saying — it can help reduce the other person’s anger and annoyance.

“When people feel heard, it shows that you’re not working in opposition to them or increasing their frustration,” explains Dr. Markley. “You want to hear and identify their emotions and what’s upsetting them.”

3. Stay calm

“It takes two to argue,” points out Dr. Markley. “Staying calm means you’re not a willing participant in an unfruitful conversation.”

And while it may be hard to stay calm in an anxious moment, you can use certain techniques such as deep breathing, repeating a positive mantra or focusing on your senses to help.

4. Practice effective communication

Think about the way you communicate. You don’t want to come across as passive, passive-aggressive or aggressive. Aim for a middle ground approach by practicing assertive communication, in which you respond in a thoughtful, mindful way instead of reacting in anger.

“Assertive communication is kind, clear, calm and fair,” outlines Dr. Markley. “You’re not blaming, arguing or yelling.”

5. Don’t judge

It can be easy to label someone as “difficult,” but you may truly not know what the other person is going through. They might be dealing with stress, fear or anger in other areas of their life and taking it out on you unintentionally. So, try not to take it personally and don’t be critical of them.

“Offering up criticism only escalates the dynamic in a more challenging way,” cautions Dr. Markley. “When you’re already trying to navigate a difficult situation, adding judgment or criticism is only going to make it harder.”

6. Ask others for help

If you’ve tried other solutions and feel like you’re not able to resolve your issues, it may be time to ask someone else for help. That may be your boss, another family member or someone you trust.

“You want to be careful about who you’re bringing into this situation,” warns Dr. Markley. “Are they a relevant person? Are they a trusted source? Are they someone who will guide you in a helpful way? Avoid ‘help’ from others who may add fuel to the fire.”

7. Don’t be so defensive

It can be easy to get defensive if someone is acting difficult. But you probably know from experience that it doesn’t help the situation. So, you may need to take a moment to collect yourself and your emotions before you approach the other person.

“Having a neutral, non-defensive approach will help de-escalate somebody who is upset,” explains Dr. Markley. “They’re more likely to hear what you have to say.”

8. Apologize, when appropriate

This may be one of the hardest steps for most of us, but it’s also one thing that can improve most difficult situations.

“Humility goes a long way — especially if it’s there some part of the difficult interaction that you may have contributed to,” says Dr. Markley. “But at the same time, you should be mindful of being made to feel sorry, when in reality, there may not be something that requires an apology.”

9. Set limits and boundaries

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries for your relationships with coworkers, friends and family. If you find yourself constantly dealing with difficult people, knowing your limits can help prevent others from taking advantage of or manipulating you.

“You can’t control how others think, feel or behave, but you can control how you respond and what you allow or don’t allow in your relationships,” states Dr. Markley.

10. Remember, one response doesn’t fit all

Each situation is unique. You may be able to resolve a conflict with a difficult coworker quickly, but an issue with a challenging family member may take more time and energy. Bottom line? Don’t give up.

“Humans are complex and social beings, so there’s no singular right way to navigate a difficult interaction,” clarifies Dr. Markley. “It will likely take trial and error to find the best approach, or to find the most helpful set of responses.”

How to manage your own expectations

Dealing with difficult people probably isn’t high on your list of fun things to do. But it’s almost unavoidable that you may find yourself in a situation where you need to communicate with a challenging individual.

It’s a good idea to evaluate the situation and the person you’re communicating with and have a realistic outcome in mind. In some cases, you may be able to find a resolution easily, but again, other times, there may not be a solution that works for everyone.

And while you may view the word “difficult” as problematic, it’s important to remember that it’s not always a bad thing.

“Some people are just labeled ‘difficult’ when they have different ideas or push back on systems that have long existed as-is,” stresses Dr. Markley. “So, while some people may be truly and persistently difficult in their interpersonal relationship styles, remember that different is not bad. To label someone ‘difficult’ because they challenge the status quo can also be harmful and dismissive.”

If you’re having a hard time navigating a difficult relationship, consider talking with a behavioral health provider who can offer more specific advice.

“You don’t have to go through it alone,” concludes Dr. Markley. “It can be beneficial to sort out a challenging situation with somebody who can give you good feedback and help you navigate challenging interpersonal styles.”