10 Tips for Dealing With Sibling Rivalry

The kids are fighting … again. And you’re beyond tired of playing referee day after day. Sure, occasional scuffles help build social and emotional intelligence. But enough is enough!

Disagreements happen. But knowing how to deal with sibling rivalry can lessen its frequency and impact. Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, offers 10 tips to help you keep the peace.

Causes of sibling rivalry

If you want to learn how to handle sibling rivalry, you first need to figure out what’s behind it. And keep in mind: Some squabbling is normal, and even positive.

Dr. Albers explains that siblings are often your child’s first peer group. These relationships are where they learn social skills, like how to share, manage conflict and communicate.

It’s also where they learn to compete.

“Competition is at the root of sibling rivalry,” explains Dr. Albers. “Not all competition is bad. It can make you work harder. But it becomes toxic and damaging when it goes too far or parents encourage it.”

Other factors include:

• Birth order: Younger siblings may leave firstborn children feeling displaced. On the other hand, middle and younger siblings may feel overshadowed by older siblings.
• Age and developmental differences: Kids learn skills, like communication, sharing and listening, as they grow and mature. If your children are at different places in their development, Dr. Albers says conflict is inevitable.
• Low self-esteem: If your child doesn’t feel worthy, they’ll be more sensitive to comparisons and favoritism (whether real or imagined).
• Family dynamics: In blended, adoptive and foster families, children may sometimes wonder where they fit or how they belong, particularly when siblings are connected in different ways.
• Personality differences: Sibling rivalry is common between kids with different temperaments, interests or communication styles.
• Boundaries and discipline: Children are more likely to clash if they feel they’re being held to different standards, or their boundaries aren’t equally respected.
• A need for attention: If a child feels overlooked or misunderstood, they may act out or pick fights with siblings. “Bad attention is still attention,” Dr. Albers notes.
• Challenging situations: Death, divorce, financial difficulties and more can shake even confident kids, making it harder for them to regulate their emotions.
• Mental health conditions: In older children, mental health issues can cause behavioral problems and reduce their ability to cope with stress.

Some sibling rivalry is inevitable. But your situation isn’t hopeless.

“There’s no way to stop the bickering forever, but there are ways to reduce friction and work toward resolution,” Dr. Albers reassures.

10 tips to manage sibling rivalry

Parents and caregivers can help diffuse sibling rivalry by making small, everyday changes. Dr. Albers recommends 10 strategies.

1. Stay calm, quiet and in control

Be mindful of what your kids are doing so you can intervene before a conflict escalates.

When you do get involved, keep your cool. If your child starts to hit, reiterate that violence isn’t tolerated or acceptable. Tell them that using their words is the only way to solve a problem.

2. Create a cooperative environment

Avoid comparing your children, favoring one over the other or encouraging competition between them. Instead, create opportunities for cooperation and compromise.

One way to do that? Create chances for them to spend time with each other — and with you.

“Family dinners, beach days and board game nights give kids space to bond and build happy memories,” Dr. Albers shares. “These activities also mean time with you that they don’t have to compete for.”

3. Set a good example

If your children watch you slam doors and fight loudly with loved ones, they’ll think it’s a proper way to handle their conflicts, too.

“Be a good role model. They’ll learn how to get along with their brothers and sisters by watching you interact with your friends, family and partner,” advises Dr. Albers.

Demonstrate how to share by splitting the last piece of pie or working together on a chore. And let them hear you apologize when conflicts arise.

4. Celebrate their individuality

Children are less likely to fight if they feel you appreciate each of them as individuals. To do that, Dr. Albers suggests that you:

• Spend time with each kid one-on-one, doing something they enjoy.
• Make sure each child gets alone time.

And avoid overgeneralizing when talking about your kid’s character, traits and talents. Pigeonholing can create a competitive atmosphere.

“Rather than label children with one word or characteristic, list many of their accomplishments, skills and attributes,” Dr. Albers advises. “Instead of saying, ‘Jane is the artistic one,’ say, ‘Jane is talented at art, caring and works hard at school.’”

5. Treat kids fairly, not equally

For parents, fairness is essential, but fair doesn’t always mean equal.

Punishments and rewards should be tailored to your children’s needs. For example, you don’t have to give two children the same toy. Instead, give them different toys suited to their ages and interests.

6. Get curious about conflicts

Instead of playing the blame game, sit fighting siblings down and have a calm conversation.

“Ask your child how the conflict is making them feel,” recommends Dr. Albers. “Getting each kid’s perspective can make your children feel cared for and taken seriously. Even if you can’t solve the problem, hearing them out can soothe hurt feelings.”

Questions you can ask to help the discussion along include:

• What were you feeling when that happened?
• How does the conflict make you feel?
• What do you wish your sibling would do differently?
• What will you do differently in the future?

7. Listen

During a fight, most kids are frustrated and emotional. It may take time to parse out the details, but listening to your children and respecting their feelings can make a big difference.

“Their emotions aren’t an excuse for negative or aggressive behavior, but children will be more likely to cooperate if they feel they’re being heard,” Dr. Albers says.

8. Give children problem-solving tools

Use conflict as an opportunity to provide tools for solving future problems. Demonstrate how they can compromise, share or approach a similar situation in a more positive, appropriate way.

9. Make discipline private

If a spat between siblings results in the need for discipline, avoid making those conversations public. Shaming a child in front of their siblings can create greater animosity between them.

10. Have a family meeting

Gather everyone together and give each family member a chance to say what they want to say. Then, establish clear house rules. Hang these rules in a public space to remind everyone of the commitments they made.

“This allows you to point to the rule rather than choose which child is ‘right,’” explains Dr. Albers.

When to see a professional

Dr. Albers adds that it’s important to get help if the conflict between your kids is affecting their (or your) ability to function. Pick up the phone if:

• You’re concerned about your child’s safety, but it doesn’t rise to the level of a “call 911” emergency.
• It affects your kids’ schoolwork, hobbies or other relationships.
• You suspect a mental health issue is making things worse.
• The feud is fueled by trauma or stressful life events.
• Your efforts to diffuse the situation aren’t helping.

“A therapist can help you figure out how to deal with sibling rivalry,” she says. “That means identifying each kid’s boundaries, communication style and triggers — and figuring out how to work through both the conflicts and the emotions they drag up.”

If you don’t have a therapist, start with your kid’s pediatrician or a school counselor. They can help you build the support system your kids need to diffuse a sibling rivalry.