Locations:
SearchAdvertisement
Move your body, spend time with other adults and practice gratitude to help regain your sense of self
You’re totally dedicated to your kids … but have you forgotten yourself in the process? As those early years go by and your little ones grow, it can feel hard to remember who you were pre-K — pre-kids, that is.
Advertisement
Cleveland Clinic is a non-profit academic medical center. Advertising on our site helps support our mission. We do not endorse non-Cleveland Clinic products or services. Policy
“Being a parent is both all-encompassing and often unfamiliar,” says psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD. “It’s all too common for parents to put the needs of others — their kids, their families and even their friends — above their own.
It can be hard to figure out how to achieve balance, but the first step is recognizing that self-care isn’t selfish. And you don’t need to feel guilty about making time for it.
When you’re running on fumes, your health and well-being can suffer. And in the long run, your family can suffer, too.
“Humans need to be able to prioritize self-care, but for parents, that often falls by the wayside,” Dr. Borland shares. “Since the pandemic, we’ve seen an increase in the sense of pressure that parents feel to be all things to everyone all the time. That leads to chronic emotional and physical fatigue.”
When you don’t make time for self-care, you may start to experience burnout, which can include symptoms like:
It’s like flight attendants always say before takeoff: Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. When you make time to care for yourself, you ultimately do something positive for your family, too.
“When you’re happy and healthy, then you can be a happier, more attentive parent,” Dr. Borland points out. “Instead of running on fumes and being easily frustrated, you’ll have more energy to take your kids on outings or coach their sports team.”
Advertisement
So, work on dropping the mom guilt (or the dad guilt or the nonbinary parent guilt!) and start making time for parental self-care. You don’t just deserve it; you need it.
When your to-do list already feels like it’s a mile long, who wants to add yet another checkbox? But self-care is worth penciling in — and that’s exactly what you have to do.
“That’s the thing: You have to carve out time, and you have to do it without a sense of guilt,” Dr. Borland urges. “Parents often approach self-care feeling that they shouldn’t be taking the time for it. So, you have to get in the habit of including it in your routine.”
Rather than relying on spontaneity, break out that calendar and make a plan. If you have a partner, create a schedule together, and make sure it includes time for each of you to have “me time.”
“If you want to go to that Saturday morning yoga class, set that in stone so your partner knows they’ve got the kids then,” he illustrates.
Starting a self-care routine can be as simple as promising yourself that you’ll spend 15, 10 or even just five minutes a day doing something to help you feel grounded and slightly less stressed.
Consider these 10 tips for practicing self-care as a parent:
Advertisement
Ready to delve deeper into each of these tips? They can help you rediscover your sense of self and strengthen your family in the process.
What assumptions do you have about self-care? Do you envision it as expensive spa days? Something inaccessible that takes a lot of time you simply don’t have? Try to let go of all that.
At its most basic level, self-care is about ... well, caring for yourself: Eating a nutritious meal, taking a shower, keeping up with your healthcare appointments, etc.
“Any type of medical care has to be a priority,” Dr. Borland emphasizes. “It’s simply not an option to miss doctor’s appointments or other aspects of medical need. That is the very basic essence of self-care.”
But beyond that, self-care can look different from person to person and even from day to day — everything from taking a walk around the block to diving into a home DIY project or getting your nails done.
“Self-care doesn't have to be some big, grand activity,” Dr. Borland says. “It can be anything that helps you relax. And how you define that is up to you.”
Do you remember what you loved before soccer practice and Girl Scouts took over your life? It’s time to revisit old pastimes or find new ones.
You may not feel like you have time for hobbies, especially when your kids are very young. But for now, you can scale them down to a more manageable level rather than lose track of them entirely.
If you once knit a sweater a week, you may find that it now takes you a month or more. If you used to spend an hour enjoying The New York Times Sunday crossword, you may now need a week to finish a single puzzle.
Advertisement
But spending small bursts of time on your hobbies is better than abandoning them altogether. When your child is older and you have more time to give, the activities you love will be there — and you won’t feel nearly as rusty.
Exercise benefits you both physically and mentally, thanks to your body’s release of endorphins. These hormones have been shown to help relieve pain, reduce stress and improve mood — and exercise is one of the best ways to boost them.
“Exercise is also a great way to focus on your individual personal achievements,” Dr. Borland points out. “If you set a goal of running a half mile or completing a 30-minute spin class, you’ll feel really good about yourself once you achieve it.”
If you’re struggling to fit in the time for exercise, take a new approach: Instead of assuming you have to block out an hour at the gym, work in “exercise snacks” throughout your day — short bursts of intense activity that add up to sustainable health benefits. Exercise routines like the 7-minute workout can help, too.
Deep abdominal breathing creates a relaxation response throughout your body that helps take the edge off. That means less yelling and guilt and more feelings that you’re rocking this whole parenting this.
“You don’t need any special equipment, and no one has to know you’re doing it,” Dr. Borland says. “You can do it whenever, wherever.” Like in the middle of a chaotic indoor playground, for example, or during a visit from your in-laws. It’s kinda like having a secret superpower.
You need a break, and it’s OK to take one. No, really. Even a few hours of adult time can restore your faith in the world, so make plans to grab coffee with a friend or even to catch that new Oscar-nominated film all by yourself.
Parenting can also make it all too easy to forget that your partnership needs attention, too. So, if you’re in a relationship, having a roster of a few go-to sitters — whether it’s a trustworthy local teen or your nearby in-laws — will also allow you to prioritize date nights.
“Schedule date nights or outings or where it’s just you and your significant other,” Dr. Borland suggests. “It’s great for communication, and it also helps you re-establish what brought you together in the first place.”
Parents often think they have to do it alone, but do you know the phrase, “It takes a village”? It doesn’t just mean that kids need a lot of help and support; it means that parents need a lot of help and support, too. Because parenthood is hard.
“It’s so important that parents both seek and accept help from their partners, family members, friends and community members,” Dr. Borland encourages. “This includes help with children, yes, but with other things, too. Accepting help is an act of self-care, not an act of weakness.”
If your dad offers to mow the lawn or your best friend offers to grab you some groceries while she’s out, say yes. Period.
When your kids are really little, you may feel like you’ve forgotten how to speak to other grown-ups. Do you even still have it in you?! (You do. We promise.)
Advertisement
“Parents of younger children often feel kind of trapped; they miss that connection with other adults,” Dr. Borland notes. “I'm a big proponent of getting involved in activities, both with and without your child, so that you don't lose your sense of identity.”
Make plans to get lunch with a friend, take a weekly boxing class or join a monthly book club. And again, skip the guilt. You want your kids to have meaningful friendships and hobbies, right? Making time for your own friends and interests models healthy habits.
It may sound cliché, but when you’re feeling overwhelmed, focusing on gratitude can help ground you in the present moment.
“If it feels like things are spiraling out of control, try to practice positive self-talk and think about the good things in your life, like, ‘I have these two healthy children who are excelling,’” Dr. Borland says.
You can even keep track of them in a gratitude journal, whether it’s a physical journal or an app on your phone that you can easily access in times of stress.
Your days are full of work, appointments and taking care of little ones. When they’re asleep for the night, you want to stay up late, just to get a little time to yourself. That’s called “revenge bedtime procrastination” — but you’re hurting yourself when you do it.
Lack of sleep leaves you sluggish, moody and more likely to get sick. Over time, it also puts you at a higher risk for health problems like heart disease, diabetes, obesity and depression.
“It’s really important to establish a healthy daily routine when it comes to sleep,” Dr. Borland states. Focusing on sleep hygiene will provide a one-two punch in the self-care department: You’ll establish a comforting little bedtime routine and start getting a good night’s sleep.
As U2 once sang, “Sometimes, you can’t make it on your own.” And there’s no shame in that.
If you’re struggling with self-care, look for a therapist who can help you work through feelings like stress, guilt, and overwhelm and figure out how to prioritize yourself.
“I see a lot of people who are very tired, both physically and emotionally, and we talk about the idea of our gas tanks being on empty,” Dr. Borland shares. “We live in incredibly stressful times, and burnout is very prevalent. A therapist will help you focus on how to refill your tank.”
Learn more about our editorial process.
Advertisement
Setting specific expectations and praising good behavior are crucial to cultivating discipline
Combat stress and anxiety — common chronic hives triggers — by focusing on sleep, staying active and leaning on others for support
Taking care of yourself extends beyond symptom management and includes things like passion projects and meaningful moments
This old trick for building habits can work, but you still need motivation, repetition and discipline to get results
Posting intimate details of your child’s life on social media, like their birth date and school name, can have serious consequences
Keeping open lines of communication and working together as a team for your children are key to co-parenting
It’s more than just avoiding gluten — it’s also important to focus on your mental and emotional health
Like being your own best friend in times of trouble, self-love is an act of self-preservation
Focus on your body’s metabolic set point by eating healthy foods, making exercise a part of your routine and reducing stress
PFAS chemicals may make life easier — but they aren’t always so easy on the human body
While there’s little risk in trying this hair care treatment, there isn’t much science to back up the claims
