What Is Gaslighting? Here’s What To Do if You Think It’s Happening to You

The term “gaslighting” has become popular online and throughout pop culture, where it’s often used (and overused) to describe bad behaviors, like lying, guilt-tripping or shaming. But true gaslighting is a specific form of emotional abuse and mental manipulation that disrupts your ability to trust others and yourself.

Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD, explains what gaslighting is, how to recognize it and what to do if it’s happening to you.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone uses specific patterns of behavior to get another person to question their sanity and their ability to make decisions. The longer gaslighting goes on, the more the victim’s relationship with trust — in themselves, in others and in the world around them — unravels.

“Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation to make you feel as if your feelings aren’t valid, or that what you think is happening isn’t really happening,” Dr. Childs explains. “Over time, you start to question your self-worth, self-esteem and mental capacity.”

The word itself comes from the 1938 British play Gas Light and the 1944 film, Gaslight. In both versions, an abusive husband lies and manipulates his wife, trying to convince her that she’s “crazy” and can’t make her own choices. His goal? To gain access to her family jewels.

Today, gaslighting describes many ongoing unhealthy behaviors in the context of a relationship. It can occur in romantic relationships, as well as in the workplace, in your doctor’s office, and among family, friends and acquaintances.

Common gaslighting examples and behaviors

No standalone tactic or experience defines gaslighting. It’s a pattern of behavior, multiple instances of manipulation that happen over and over again.

There are many common techniques that gaslighters use. They may:

• Accuse you of being overly emotional or too sensitive
• Blame you for things you didn’t do or don’t recall doing
• Deflect or counter arguments, rather than trying to address problems
• Deny fault for their actions
• Disagree with your version of events
• Guilt you into thinking you’ve done something wrong
• Humiliate or belittle you to hurt your confidence
• Isolate you from your support network so you feel dependent on them
• Lie to you, whether subtly or outright
• Question your judgment and decisions
• Shame you for what you think, feel or do
• Shift the blame for things they do (often making you feel responsible instead)
• Trivialize or invalidate your feelings or concerns
• Withhold information from you, which cuts off conversation and makes problem-solving harder

On their own, each of these behaviors is unhealthy and problematic. But together and over time, they can affect your mental health and sense of self. This can cause you to question your sanity, doubt your ability to make decisions, and even wonder what’s real and what’s not.

“The person who’s doing the gaslighting may or may not realize they’re doing it,” Dr. Childs notes. “But either way, when you’re on the receiving end, it can feel confusing and be very damaging.”

Signs you’re being gaslit

Gaslighting often happens subtly or in fits and starts. So, it’s common not to realize that you’re experiencing it or feel unsure about whether it’s really happening. That’s why gaslighting is so sinister — and so good at making you question yourself.

But if you start to notice a pattern of tactics like lying, blaming and shaming, those may be clues that you’re being gaslit. Here are some other possible signs:

• They don’t admit to or take responsibility for their mistakes.
• They tell you that your memory of events is different or wrong.
• They make you feel responsible for how they act toward you.
• They rarely or never apologize for being wrong.
• They often tell you you’re “crazy,” “wrong,” “overreacting,” “too sensitive,” etc.
• They use your past and/or deepest insecurities against you.

Gaslighting targets your mental health by undermining your ability to think for yourself. So, your own actions and feelings can help you determine whether you’re experiencing gaslighting, too:

• You feel on edge or nervous when you’re around them (or even just thinking about being around them).
• You constantly second-guess your decisions and mistrust your judgment.
• You apologize to them even when you don’t think you’ve done something wrong.
• You don’t feel worthy of their time and attention.
• You leave confrontations and conversations with them feeling more confused than before.
• You lose interest in work, activities and hobbies you used to enjoy because you feel like you’re not as good at them as you used to be.
• Other people have noticed changes in your mood or personality when you’re around this person or when they come up in conversation.

Questioning your perceptions and sanity can also create or compound mental health issues, like anxiety and depression, which can lock you into a cycle of abuse.

Why gaslighting happens

“There are multiple ways that people become gaslighters,” Dr. Child says. “They could have learned it from their upbringing, they could have been gaslit as children or they could have narcissistic tendencies.”

Some people gaslight others just to inflict emotional pain or gain power and control over another person. But gaslighting isn’t always something that a person sets out to do. Again, they may not even realize they’re doing it.

Sometimes, people gaslight as a defense mechanism. They may launch into reactive behaviors (like lying or blaming) without thinking it through — and without realizing how it might affect other people.

“Gaslighting can be a form of projection, particularly when the perpetrator is called out on their actions. This allows them to deflect and blame others,” Dr. Childs explains. “It’s like a magic trick: They make you look to the left so you don’t see what’s going on to the right.”

How to deal with gaslighting

Gaslighting disrupts your ability to trust others and yourself. So, what can you do about it? Dr. Childs shares some tips for finding a way forward.

• Identify gaslighting behaviors. When you’re questioning your own judgment, it can be hard to tell what’s real. Plus, social media often gets gaslighting wrong, slapping the label onto all sorts of bad behaviors. Resources like our gaslighting quiz can help you make sense of what you’re experiencing.
• Document interactions. Keep track of what you experience by taking screenshots, saving text messages, writing down dates and recapping conversations. Yes, it may sound tiring, but it may help you sort truth from fiction.
• Call it out when it happens. The longer gaslighting goes on, the more harmful it becomes. Naming unhealthy behaviors as they occur can stop them from progressing.“Calling out gaslighting behaviors helps set boundaries and change the power dynamic,” Dr. Childs explains. “It puts the other person on notice that you will no longer accept this type of treatment.”
• Create space for self-care. Prioritizing self-care is a great way to tend to your mental health and emotional well-being. In the aftermath of an interaction with a gaslighter, practices like breathwork, grounding techniques and positive affirmations can help you calm down and center yourself.
• Work with a therapist. Gaslighting can shake your worldview and tank your self-esteem. Talk therapy can help you heal, rebuild your confidence and face the world (and your relationships) with a stronger sense of self.
• Suggest therapy for the gaslighter, too. If you believe the person who’s gaslighting you isn’t doing it on purpose, you may want to suggest that they try therapy as well. A trained therapist can help them get to the root of their behavior, offering them a chance to learn, grow and do better in the future.
• Try couples therapy. If you’re experiencing gaslighting in your romantic relationship (and believe it’s unintentional), going to couples therapy may help you communicate better and address core problems. “Couples therapy can help you evolve and grow in your relationship,” Dr. Childs says.

But here’s the thing about intentional gaslighting: It is impossible to reason with someone who’s doing it to you on purpose. So, sometimes, the best way to cope is to know when it’s time to leave. If you call out a gaslighter’s actions and they don’t stop (or they escalate), the only healthy response might be to leave the relationship.

“A fire cannot burn if there’s no fuel,” Dr. Childs notes. “They can’t fight if there’s no one to fight with.”

If you need help leaving an abusive relationship, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 for free, confidential help and resources.