How You Can Support a Loved One With Breast Cancer

When someone you care about is diagnosed with breast cancer, it’s natural to want to help. It’s also understandable if you’re not sure where to start.

You might worry about saying the wrong thing. You might hold back because you don’t want to “bother” them. Or you might simply feel unsure about how to show support in a meaningful way.

“There’s no script for it,” acknowledges clinical psychologist Mary Moeller, PhD. “Different people find different things helpful.”

But there are some tried-and-true ways to best support your loved ones during breast cancer.

Ways to show your support

Dr. Moeller encourages people to think about support as “concentric circles” of care.

The person with breast cancer sits at the center. Their closest caregivers and support system form the circle closest to them. As you move outward, there are other layers of less intimately affected connections, like friends, coworkers and more distant family members.

“The rule of thumb is to provide support inward and seek support outward,” Dr. Moeller explains.

In other words, offer your help to those closer to the center. That means showing your care not only to the person with cancer, but also to those who are in the thick of it with them day to day. Turn to people in farther out circles when you need support for yourself.

Let’s take a closer look at specific ways to help.

Doing tasks

Everyday tasks can become overwhelming during breast cancer treatment and recovery.

Loved ones can help by easing some of the burden of managing life with cancer. Doing things that can be challenging for them is one way to help relieve the pressure. You might consider:

• Helping with chores around the house, like cleaning or yard work
• Driving them to appointments, or attending appointments with them
• Cooking meals or organizing a meal train
• Grocery shopping or running errands
• Providing or arranging childcare
• Picking up prescriptions or helping manage medications
• Organizing bills, paperwork or insurance forms
• Helping care for their pets
• Setting up a comfortable space at home for their rest and recovery

The way you go about offering your help matters, too. Offering a specific thing you can do is often more effective than a vague, Let me know if you need anything.

“It’s better if you avoid putting work on the person or their caregivers,” Dr. Moeller points out. “It can be helpful to give proactive suggestions, rather than asking them to figure out what they need and ask for it.”

For example:

• “I know your partner has to work tomorrow. I’m happy to drive you to your appointment. How about I pick you up at 10?”
• “I made an extra lasagna. Can I drop it off tonight?”
• “I’m taking my dog to the park this afternoon. Can I take yours, too?”
• “How about I take the kids to the movies this weekend?”

Giving gifts

If you live far away or are looking to go more tangible with your support, a thoughtful gift can help someone with breast cancer feel a little better and brighten their day.

“Things that just make them feel more like themselves again, in the midst of all the changes in their body and their life, can be really useful and appreciated,” Dr. Moeller suggests. “Anything that might help with hot flashes or other effects of breast cancer treatment can be good ideas.”

Helpful items might include:

• Cooling fans or small personal fans
• Ice packs or cooling wraps
• Cozy blankets or robes
• Soft socks or slippers
• Entertainment gifts, like journals, puzzles, magazines, books, audiobooks or coloring books
• Pampering items, like facial products or lotions

“Breast cancer can come with a lot of changes to someone’s physical appearance,” she adds. “Things that allow someone to feel like they’re caring for their body and being kind to it can be helpful.”

Providing emotional support

We all face stressful situations differently, so it can be hard to know the right thing to say. What’s more, you may be unpacking your own worries and anxieties at the same time.

Sometimes, emotional support is as simple as acknowledging that you understand that they’re going through a tough time. Validation can sound like:

• “I know things suck right now.”
• “I’m here with you.”
• “I’m thinking about you today.”

Even small gestures can mean a lot. A short text or voice memo letting someone know they’re on your mind can brighten a tough day. And adding that there’s no expectation to reply can remove pressure.

“You don’t want to expect anything of the cancer patient,” Dr. Moeller says. “Your text might mean more to them than they’re able to communicate when they’re in the middle of everything.”

It’s also important to follow their lead. Some people want to talk about and process their experience with you. Others prefer a distraction from cancer talk.

“You can even ask directly: What do you need from me in this conversation?” Dr. Moeller illustrates. “Do you want advice? Do you want validation? Do you want to talk about cancer, or about celebrity gossip today?”

Respecting those preferences can help them feel supported rather than overwhelmed — or like they need to “put on a happy face” for you.

What to avoid

Even well-intentioned comments can sometimes miss the mark. Dr. Moeller says there are several phrases that her patients wish others would stop saying. Like:

• “You’re so strong. I could never go through what you’re going through.”
• “You look great. You don’t look like you have cancer.”
• “Everything will be OK.”

While these comments are usually meant to be encouraging, they can feel dismissive, unrealistic and positive to the point of being toxic. Like you’re trying to convince yourself that all is well, rather than acknowledging their reality.

For example, calling someone strong may not resonate when they’re feeling depleted.

“People’s reaction is often, What choice do I have?” she continues.

Along those same lines, mantras like “You’ll be just fine!” can land with a thud.

“You can’t guarantee that everything will be OK,” Dr. Moeller explains. “So, that kind of reassurance often isn’t as encouraging as you want it to be.”

Care for yourself, too

Supporting someone through cancer can take a big toll on caregivers and close loved ones. The closer your circle is to the cancer patient’s, the more important it becomes to attend to your needs as well.

“It’s so vital to recognize that breast cancer is hard on the caregivers,” says Dr. Moeller.

Care partners and others in the innermost circle are often scared, stressed and exhausted — physically and emotionally. And they may hesitate to share those feelings with the person who is facing cancer.

Caregiver burnout is real. And the more you give, the harder it can be to keep up. Dr. Moeller recommends:

• Being honest about your limits
• Delegating responsibilities when possible
• Accepting help from friends and family
• Caring for your physical health as much as possible, including getting enough sleep, eating well and staying physically active
• Seeking mental health support

“It’s the old analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else,” she shares. “Taking care of yourself helps ensure you can keep showing up for the person who needs you most.”

Bottom line: Do what feels right for you

When someone you care about has breast cancer, remember that even simple things can make a big impact. You don’t have to wait to find the “right” thing to do or feel like you need to plan some grand gesture.

“In most cases, simply showing up — in whatever way you can — is what counts most,” Dr. Moeller encourages.