Trying To Get Over a Breakup? Start Here

A song that was popular in the 1970s goes, “They say that breaking up is hard to do, and now I know, I know that it’s true.” If you’re in the midst of experiencing it for yourself, you’re not alone.

Fortunately, there are lots of strategies that can help you make it through the post-breakup pain and emerge emotionally strong.

11 tips for getting over a breakup

So, what should you do after a breakup to cope in a healthy way? For starters, it’s important to acknowledge and address your feelings, prioritize self-care (even the really basic stuff, like sleep, diet and grooming habits) and reach out to your support system.

Psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD, delves into these and other strategies that can help you through this painful period.

1. Allow yourself to grieve

First things first: It’s important to feel your feelings, even (and perhaps especially) when you’d reaaaally rather not.

The end of a relationship can represent ambiguous loss, a type of loss without closure, and the stages of grief after a breakup aren’t all that different from the stages of grief after someone dies. Similarly, you need to address your post-breakup grief in order to move forward.

“Not addressing grief robs you of an opportunity to grow,” Dr. Borland says. “The end of a relationship is a time to reflect, clarify your values and decide what kind of life you want moving forward.”

2. Stick to a self-care routine

Create a healthy daily routine to add the structure you need during this time of uncertainty.

“Whenever you experience a loss, this is the first place to start,” Dr. Borland says. “That structure gives you a sense of accomplishment and purpose, and it allows you to build off of small wins.”

After a breakup, develop a routine that prioritizes self-care basics like:

• Getting enough sleep
• Eating healthy, nutritious foods
• Incorporating physical activity
• Regularly showering or bathing
• Drinking enough water

3. Practice self-compassion

After a breakup, you might mentally recount all the things you could’ve done differently, which can lead you to be brutally hard on yourself — cruel, even.

“I often encourage my patients to try to treat themselves the way they would treat a loved one experiencing a breakup,” Dr. Borland shares.

Imagine that your best friend or sibling came to you for comfort after a breakup. What would you say to them? Chances are, you’d be loving and gentle, not harsh and judgmental. Do your best to extend that same kindness to yourself.

4. Tap into your support system

When you’re going through a hard time, it’s important not to do it alone. To be sure you don’t self-isolate after a breakup, reach out to supportive friends and family when you’re ready.

“Having a strong support system is so important because you need people you can open up to — and who will be honest with you in return,” Dr. Borland encourages.

But he acknowledges that not everyone has a robust in-person support system. Plus, if a toxic or abusive relationship led you to distance yourself from loved ones, you may not feel like you can ask for their support now. In these cases, a therapist or support group can be especially helpful.

5. Get to know yourself

Think of this as a time to work on yourself and get in touch with parts of you that might’ve been hidden during your relationship.

“Take the opportunity to reframe what you’re going through,” Dr. Borland advises. “Remind yourself that despite the sadness and sense of loss, it’s also a chance to reconnect with yourself — to pursue meaningful opportunities, reestablish relationships that might’ve fallen by the wayside and just focus on you.”

So, reflect on your goals and values. Take a class or pursue a new hobby. Go on solo adventures. When you’re in the driver’s seat of your life, the opportunities are endless.

6. Remember why you broke up

When you’re in the thick of post-breakup feelings, it can feel like there’s no end in sight to your heartbreak. And that might tempt you to try to repair things with your ex.

But don’t underestimate the power of proverbial rose-colored glasses.

“We tend to romanticize times from our past, which can cause us to overlook the many valid reasons behind a breakup,” Dr. Boland cautions. In other words, don’t lose sight of why you split. It can help you keep the longing and nostalgia at bay.

7. Go no-contact with your ex

Technology makes it all too easy to send an “I miss you” text or to spy on your former partner via social media, but resist the urge. This only makes it harder to heal.

“I think it’s important to monitor how much contact you maintain with your former partner following a breakup,” Dr. Borland stresses. That might mean deleting their number from your phone or unfriending them on social media, if you feel you need to.

Cutting all ties can bring feelings of guilt, sadness and more. But the less contact you have with your ex, both in real life and online, the more space you have to heal. So, tap a friend to help, if you need to.

“If you have a loved one who’s open to it, you can ask them to be a sponsor of sorts — someone you can reach out to and say, ‘Hey, I’m really itching to call my ex. Can you help talk me down?’” he suggests.

8. Beware rebound relationships

After a breakup, it can be tempting to rush into another relationship just to ease the loneliness. But give yourself the time you need to process your emotions and start to heal before you jump into something new.

“There’s no set timeframe for getting back out there,” Dr. Borland clarifies. “It’s important to give yourself time to heal before starting a new relationship.”

9. Be mindful of your substance use

When you’re feeling heartbroken, you may feel tempted to drown your sorrows at a bar or to numb your feelings in other ways.

“Substance misuse can be part of why a relationship ends, and it can also be exacerbated right after a relationship ends,” Dr. Borland acknowledges. “It may seem like a temporary solution to manage feelings of sadness, anger or guilt.”

If you’re dealing with substance use issues, it’s critical to seek help from a mental health professional who can guide you toward additional treatment and resources.

10. Find a good therapist

Breakups can have a real and lasting impact on your mental health. An older study shows that more than 43% of breakups brought “a decline in well-being,” while another study found that divorce was associated with a higher risk of a first-time depression diagnosis.

But professional therapy can go a long way toward healing. After a breakup, compassion-focused therapy can significantly reduce depression and negative thoughts or worries.

“Be mindful that mental health treatment is available to help you navigate the emotional challenges you may be experiencing following a breakup,” Dr. Borland urges.

If you need some guidance in managing depression or anxiety — and especially if you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else — find a mental health professional who can help.

11. Be patient

The most important tip of all? Give it time. While it won’t necessarily heal all wounds, distance can work wonders on your pain.

“The healing process takes time,” Dr. Borland reiterates. “Remind yourself that a relationship breakup doesn’t define who you are as a person and that you are capable of moving forward with your life.”