If you’ve come across the term “trauma bonding,” you may have done a double take and thought it was something else — maybe it simply refers to two people bonding over a difficult or painful experience.
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But the term is in reference to a connection that can appear in abusive relationships. It’s a situation where we form a strong attachment to someone who is causing us harm. This can happen in any relationship, romantic or not, and often fuels a cycle of abuse and affection that can be difficult to break.
Understanding what trauma bonding is and how to recognize it are the first steps in separating from an abusive relationship and finding ways to heal. Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, helps explain what trauma bonding really is and the signs to look out for.
Trauma bonding is when a person who is or has been abused feels a connection to their abuser. And this connection is based on the abuse that the person has or is enduring — whether emotional or physical.
It may be surprising to hear that you can develop a bond with someone who treats you poorly, but this is why the cycle of abuse is an important puzzle piece. The cycle of abuse can create a false sense of safety during the reconciliation and calm phase (more on that in a moment). As Duke explains, this is why a person being abused will cling onto those moments of peace, even when they go away. “This cycle is often what elicits feelings of attachment,” says Duke. “And the feelings similar to a bond happen toward the abuser or perpetrator.”
Trauma bonding is an important concept to understand when helping people who’ve experienced abuse. This is because one of the most challenging things about experiencing an abusive relationship is how it brings up complicated, mixed feelings.
When it comes to the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding plays a parallel role in it.
The cycle of abuse is a concept that explains the cyclical nature of an abusive relationship and the phases it goes through.
Here’s how trauma bonding fuels and fits into the cycle of abuse:
As Duke further explains, an abusive relationship creates a push and pull between extremely painful events and periods of kindness, reconciliation and calm. And there lies the role of the trauma bond, disguised as a genuine connection.
Trauma bonding can happen in any type of relationship that involves a power imbalance. This includes child abuse, where the child wants an emotional attachment to their parent and feels a bond, but also experiences abuse, creating a cycle. “The child really wants relief from the abuse and an emotional attachment with their parent or guardian,” Duke notes.
The same can even occur in organizations like fraternities and sororities, where there may be abusive behavior muffled by periods of fun events and rewards, leading to a trauma bond between fraternity members and their leaders.
Trauma bonding also plays a big role in cases of Stockholm syndrome where, over time, a bond is developed between kidnappers and their captors. “There are many famous cases where the victims had a chance to escape but didn’t because they come to have this trauma bond with the captor,” states Duke.
A clear sign of emotional trauma bonding is denial. This is when the person experiencing abuse chooses to ignore any obvious red flags in their relationship. This can come in the form of not talking about the abuse with people around them or choosing to minimize or omit certain pieces of information from their loved ones.
“One common theme is for the victims to deny the red flags or not acknowledge the bad elements of the relationship,” says Duke. “And usually, other people in their lives are seeing it.”
Additionally, Duke says that trauma bonding can lead to isolation, as the person experiencing abuse may withdraw and separate from friends and family.
The person may also feel as though they’re walking on eggshells and constantly trying not to upset the perpetrator. This can lead them to keep secrets from both their abuser and the people around them — whether it involves finances, decisions about housing, child rearing or disagreements about career and work life.
This secrecy further isolates the person experiencing abuse, who must then rationalize the abusive behavior in order to reconcile their conflicting emotions.
Another major sign of trauma bonding is justifying an abuser’s actions. If you’re experiencing abuse, this can be a way to self-soothe and reconcile with your situation.
“You have to rationalize that dissonance when you’re in a relationship like this,” points out Duke. This may take the form of making excuses for the abusive behavior, such as thinking about the stress the abuser is under or focusing on the good moments in the relationship.
This could look like telling a friend that your partner has taken over your bank account, but framing it as if it’s your partner’s way of wanting to help you with your finances. Or it could be a loved one asking a child if their parent is being abusive and harmful, but the child only shares the good memories they have.
In many relationships, there are always going to be ups and downs. So, how do we separate having hot and cold phases in our relationships versus the development of an unhealthy trauma bond?
Conflict in relationships is normal and can actually be healthy if both partners are treated as equals and able to communicate and resolve the conflict in a respectful way, says Duke. But in abusive relationships, the conflict often follows a pattern of gaslighting, manipulation and blaming — along with a power imbalance.
“It’s not the conflict, but it’s the way that the conflict is happening; it’s the pattern,” Duke continues. To determine whether a relationship is healthy, she suggests looking at the way conflict is handled. “It’s important to think about what a healthy relationship looks like, but also, what does healthy conflict look like?”
Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict can help distinguish between normal bumps in a relationship and abusive patterns.Duke suggests asking yourself questions like:
Breaking a trauma bond can be a challenging and difficult process, but it’s also an important step toward healing and regaining control over your life.
Duke shares some tips to break a trauma bond:
Writing things down can be extremely healing in a lot of ways. In terms of navigating your own trauma bond and freeing yourself from it, Duke suggests a very factual approach to documenting incidents and actions.
This means being very clear-cut and neutral about what the person in your relationship is doing. Try not to add any emotion — whether good or bad. Focus on keeping a log of what precisely is happening in your conflicts. Keeping a journal of events that happen or things that are said can help you see patterns and gain a more objective perspective on your relationship.
A valuable step in finding your way out of a trauma bond is to seek outside perspective. A lot of times, it’s hard to see outside the bubble of our own relationship. We get used to seeing things in one way, so it can help to see things from a different angle.
The best way to do this is to simply be vocal and talk about things. Even if it’s a slow process and you’re not ready to let everything out right away, talking about your experiences can help give you clarity.
“If there’s somebody in your life that you trust like a therapist or friend or even a crisis line — it can be anonymous — just look for ways to inform your perspective,” encourages Duke.
When you’re navigating a trauma bond or complex relationship, it takes a toll on your emotional well-being. So, it’s important to give yourself gentleness and self-care that will guide you through the healing process.
“It’s important to do things that are good for your emotional well-being and your self-esteem. So, make space to enjoy hobbies, nurture other relationships or try new things. It’s good to take care of yourself and engage in activities that bring you joy,” says Duke.
She adds that improving your self-esteem can help you break the cycle of trauma bonding and build a stronger foundation for recovery.
The final way to end the trauma bond, and thus end a cycle of abuse, is to finally cut off contact with the abuser.
“Once you make that decision to cut off contact — to really commit to that and stick to that — make sure to have a safety plan in place for yourself,” stresses Duke.
You should prepare your safety plan before you cut off that contact, so you’re prepared in case the abuser reacts harshly or violently. Here are some ways you can put a safety plan in place for yourself:
Cutting off contact is a critical step that can be very hard to take. It’s OK to feel grief or sadness after leaving the relationship. But make sure to also give yourself lots of credit for taking this important step.
Pay attention to your behaviors and thoughts, Duke reiterates. Are you starting to feel unsafe in your home or within your relationship? Do you find yourself isolating and moving away from others around you? Don’t ignore these feelings, no matter how hard they may seem to face.
Healing from emotional trauma can be a long and complicated process. It can be very helpful to have a good trauma-informed therapist on your side to help you through these difficult emotions. Enlist the help of a therapist and reach out to your friends and family as a support system to keep you anchored during this time.