Are You Trauma Bonding? How To Recognize the Signs

If you’ve ever wondered what trauma bonding is, you’re not alone. The term has become increasingly common on social media and in conversations about toxic relationships.

But trauma bonding isn’t simply bonding over a shared, difficult experience. It’s a psychological attachment that develops between a person and someone who abuses, manipulates or harms them.

“One of the most challenging things about abusive relationships is that they often bring up complicated, mixed feelings,” says psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD. “You can feel deeply attached to someone who’s also causing you harm, and that makes it difficult to walk away or save yourself.”

Dr. Childs breaks down the stages of trauma bonding, how it happens and how you can safely break free.

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding is a strong, unhealthy emotional attachment that can develop between a person and their abuser. The bond is fueled by cycles of abuse followed by periods of kindness, affection and reconciliation.

Similar to Stockholm syndrome, trauma bonding is a kind of coping mechanism where a person becomes dependent on their abuser because of brief moments of perceived safety.

“The cycle of abuse can create a false sense of safety during periods of reconciliation and calm,” Dr. Childs explains. “People often cling to those moments of peace, even when they don’t last.”

Trauma bonds are most commonly discussed in the context of romantic relationships, but they can happen in any relationship that involves abuse and a power imbalance. That includes:

• Parent-child relationships
• Other family relationships
• Friendships
• Workplace relationships
• Leaders of religious or social organizations

How a trauma bond forms

Trauma bonds form for a variety of reasons, most of which involve some combination of dependency, brain chemistry and survival responses:

• Periodic reinforcement: When you experience abuse or manipulation, you naturally want the distress to stop. So, when that behavior is temporarily replaced by affection, apologies or promises to change, it creates a powerful sense of relief.
• Brain chemistry: After a period of abuse, even small acts of affection can trigger a surge of “feel-good” hormones like dopamine. Over time, your brain can begin to crave those moments of relief and connection.
• Survival responses: From childhood, we depend on caregivers for safety and support. When a relationship feels threatened, some people may try to save it by minimizing, excusing or rationalizing abusive behavior.

7 stages of trauma bonding

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Trauma bonding doesn’t happen overnight — rather, it comes on slowly and continues to return with each and every cycle of abuse. While every situation is different, this trauma bond cycle frequently develops across seven stages. If you’re looking for the signs of trauma bonding, they may include:

1. Love bombing: This form of psychological abuse involves intense affection, attention or praise. The flood of overwhelming positivity makes it hard to leave later on, when abuse occurs.
2. Trust and dependency: The abuser takes control by rushing relationship milestones, further causing you to depend on them for emotional, financial or social support.
3. Criticism: Anger and controlling behaviors emerge as the abuser turns from compliments to criticism. This sharp turn makes you long for the affection they gave you earlier in the relationship, which only increases your dependency.
4. Manipulation and gaslighting: The abuser begins playing mind games, making you question reality and distorting situations to make it look like you’re at fault. When you try to fight back or find a solution, they become dismissive or aggressive.
5. Giving up: By now, you feel defeated and exhausted by your repeated attempts to fix the relationship. You resign to “walking on eggshells,” denying red flags and rationalizing the abuse you’re enduring.
6. Loss of self: Your self-confidence dissolves as you continue to give up the things you love in exchange for supporting the abuser. It may feel hard to make decisions or act independently without the abuser’s approval or permission.
7. Emotional addiction: The cycle of abuse continues to evolve as you cling to small moments of peace and positivity. The abuser may apologize and return to love bombing to try to make things right, which reinforces your need for their validation.

“When you’re experiencing abuse or neglect, or manipulation, all your brain wants is to escape the situation,” notes Dr. Childs. “In an abusive relationship, there’s often some relief after the abuse ends — but then it starts all over again.”

How to break a trauma bond

Breaking a trauma bond involves recognizing the abuse, improving your self-worth and letting go of a relationship that is harming you. None of that is easy — but it is possible.

Dr. Childs recommends the following strategies for breaking a trauma bond:

• Write everything down. Journaling can help you identify patterns of abuse more clearly. Document every interaction with the abuser, and try to stick to the facts.
• Get an outside perspective. Talk with a trusted friend, family member, therapist or crisis hotline. “Look for ways to inform your perspective,” advises Dr. Childs.
• Reconnect with yourself. Make time for self-care. Enjoy your hobbies, nurture supportive relationships and try new things that improve your self-esteem.
• Create a safety plan. Know who you’re going to reach out to for help, where you’re going to go and what you’ll need for practical and emotional support.

When you feel safe to finally cut off contact with the abuser, block their number and social media accounts, change your passwords and remove yourself from the situation.

“Cutting out the abuser is often difficult and may require professional support,” says Dr. Childs. “Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.) at 800.799.7233 or use the NO MORE Global Directory for resources in your area.”

Final thoughts

If you’re concerned for your safety, you can get help today. A trauma-informed mental health professional can help you figure out how to get out safely. Or they can help you process the relationship, rebuild self-esteem and develop healthy relationship patterns moving forward.

Healing from trauma bonding takes time. It’s common to feel grief, sadness, confusion or anger, even long after leaving an abusive relationship. But you’re not alone — and recovery is possible.

“It’s important not to ignore feelings that something is wrong,” urges Dr. Childs. “Having support from trusted people and mental health professionals can help you move toward safety and healing.”