How Weaponized Incompetence Can Hurt Your Relationships

You’re only halfway through your household chore list and you’re already burnt out. The kids still need to be put to bed and the pile of dishes is staring at you, menacingly. After asking your partner for help, they sigh and respond, “Oh, but I’m not good at cleaning. You always do such a better job at that kind of stuff.”

It doesn’t help that this isn’t your partner’s first use of this excuse. Suddenly, the weight of the unbalanced responsibilities starts to overwhelm you. 

If this scenario feels familiar, you may be experiencing weaponized incompetence. It’s a term used to describe a dynamic in a relationship where one person is stuck constantly doing specific chores or tasks because the other person always makes the excuse, “I don’t know how to do it.”

“Social media has drawn awareness to the topic,” says psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD. “But it comes up quite a lot in my counseling. It’s a psychological dynamic that frequently happens.”

Dr. Albers breaks down what weaponized incompetence exactly is, how it manifests and how you can work past it.

What is weaponized incompetence?

Weaponized incompetence is a psychological dynamic where one person avoids or refuses to do a task and uses their “incompetence” as an excuse. “It can occur in relationships, mostly in committed, romantic relationships,” says Dr. Albers. “However, it can also happen in the workplace and in friendships.”

“It’s where one partner in a relationship consciously or unconsciously is doing a task poorly to avoid doing that task again in the future,” she explains.

This may include avoiding household tasks and shifting the responsibility to their partner or refusing to get better at certain tasks even when their partner asks for help. In some cases, the person using weaponized incompetence may even shift blame to their partner for not showing them how to complete a task. 

Here are three other examples of weaponized incompetence that can happen either in a household or workplace setting:

Household setting: Doing laundry

• Person 1: “The clothes are really wrinkled after you fold the laundry. Could you make sure to fold it better next time?”
• Person 2: “Oh, I’m just not good at folding clothes. You do it so much better than me. Maybe you should handle the laundry from now on.”

Household setting: Cooking dinner

• Person 1: “Can you please make dinner tonight? I have a lot of work to finish.”
• Person 2: “Sure, but remember last time? I almost burned the pasta and used way too much salt. You’ve never taught me how to cook. Are you sure you don’t want to do it instead? Your meals are always so good!”

Workplace setting

• Person 1: “This report you submitted had several errors. Can you double-check your work next time?”
• Person 2: “I’m really bad at details. You always knock these reports out of the park. Maybe you should handle the reports, and I’ll take care of something else.”

While these examples seem harmless enough, when repeated over time, they can start to cause an imbalance in a relationship or partnership. If person 2 is constantly avoiding tasks (and not trying to improve on them), it puts more work on person 1.

Why is it harmful?

Weaponized incompetence can cause resentment and eat away at the trust in a relationship. When certain responsibilities fall fully on one person, it can cause tension and hostility in the relationship and make that person feel like their needs aren’t being prioritized.

This dynamic can also be extra harmful when children are involved, as weaponized incompetence is often used by one partner to avoid child-rearing tasks. “It teaches kids very toxic behaviors. They’re given the expectation that one parent is more trustworthy, and the other one doesn't have any responsibility,” says Dr. Albers.

“This also sets up an unhealthy expectation for what the child should expect in their own relationships.”

Recognizing the signs of weaponized incompetence 

How do you know weaponized incompetence when you see it? Dr. Albers shares a few clear signs to look out for.

1. Consistent phrases used as excuses

One sign of weaponized incompetence is certain phrases that are used as excuses. Pay attention to how often your partner, loved one, friend or coworker is using these and, more specifically, when. Notice when these phrases intentionally shift the focus and the weight of responsibility on to you or someone else. 

They include:

• “I’m not good at that.”
• “You do this task better than I can.”
• “I know how to do this, but it takes forever. You can do it quicker.”
• “I never get it right.”
• “I know you enjoy doing X.”

“They make their partner or loved one feel like they have to take over, which keeps the power and control in the incompetent person’s hands,” explains Dr. Albers. “It’s a manipulative tactic to shift the blame and avoid dealing with their own shortcomings.”

Weaponized incompetence can also commonly manifest through specific tasks, including:

• Household cleaning.
• Buying and putting away groceries.
• Cooking food.
• Child care.
• Making decisions around scheduling, finances or other affairs.

“It’s not just physical tasks like everyday chores and labor,” points out Dr. Albers. It can involve decision-making and mentally taxing activities, too.

2. No attempt to improve

To be clear, the solution to weaponized incompetence shouldn’t be pretending you know how to do everything. Not all of us are good at every chore, household task or errand. The point is to try to improve at some of these tasks, especially when it’s asked of you by your partner.

“In some cases, an individual may lack some of the skills that are required to do the task,” says Dr. Albers. “In this case, what you want to see is an attempt to improve their behavior. You want to see that efforts are being made to learn the skill to do it better the next time.”

For example, your partner or coworker may say they feel bad for continuously not helping you with a task or errand, but then, not take any steps to improve or ask how they can do better.

3. Using the word ‘help’

Especially in a relationship where there are shared spaces, chores and responsibilities, it’s important to pay attention to the words partners are using.

Using the word “help” to describe taking responsibility for a task may seem innocent enough, but as Dr. Albers clarifies, it can reflect an unequal dynamic in a relationship.

For example, phrases like, “I’ll help you with the kids” or “I’ll help you with the cleaning tonight” can actually be a sign of weaponized incompetence. This is because the partner is operating under the assumption that the other person is always responsible for said task and that they’re only helping as a special favor.

4. Blaming

Another sign of weaponized incompetence is shifting blame to the other person. For example, your partner may do a task wrong and throw the burden back on you. It can be a red flag if you catch your partner constantly saying, “You didn’t give me the right instructions,” or “You never taught me how to do this.”

How to deal with weaponized incompetence

Dealing with weaponized incompetence can be difficult, but not impossible. Dr. Albers says the first step is acknowledging that tasks aren't being divided fairly.

Here are some ways to work through it.

Take note of what you’re experiencing

If you feel like weaponized incompetence is being used against you in a relationship, the first step is to pay attention. “You can even write things down and keep some data on who does what task and what you’re experiencing,” she suggests. This can help you recognize the pattern.

“You can also note some of the feelings that go along with it, such as resentment, anger, frustration or isolation. This can give you a clue that weaponized incompetence is happening,” she adds.

Set clear boundaries and expectations

Boundary setting and communication are the next big step in addressing weaponized incompetence. You can share this through clear communication, but also through action — or even inaction.

“It can feel easier to just do the task than to wait for the other person to do it,” acknowledges Dr. Albers. “But try and sit with the anxiety of the dishes being undone or leaving the laundry unfolded. That may be uncomfortable, but it sends a message that if it’s not done, you will not jump to pick up the slack.”

Organize tasks equally

It can help to divide the household tasks in a way that recognizes each person’s strengths and weaknesses, while also not overburdening one person with more work.

“In a relationship, each person often has skills and strengths,” says Dr. Albers. “It’s perfectly normal to choose tasks that capitalize on your strengths. But it’s also about being aware that sometimes, you may have to help the other person.”

Address the people-pleaser in yourself

If you’re trying to address weaponized incompetence in your relationship, part of the challenge is to put a stop to your own people-pleasing or perfectionist tendencies. Although it can be hard, it’s important to set a standard for yourself and what you want from your partner.

The bottom line

Weaponized incompetence can be a frustrating dynamic in a relationship, but there are ways to work through it. With clear communication and some boundary-setting, you can find common ground. If you feel like you’re being weighed down by certain tasks and are having trouble getting through to your partner, a visit with a counselor may help mediate this challenge.