How To Handle Holiday Depression

What do you do when “the most wonderful time of the year” just … isn’t? Sometimes, when end-of-year holidays roll around, celebration is the furthest thing from your mind.

Whether you call it the holiday blues or bona fide holiday depression, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Psychologist Dawn Potter, PsyD, explains where these feelings come from and how you can manage them, especially when everyone else seems to be at their merriest.

What is holiday depression?

Holiday depression is situational depression triggered by the onset of the end-of-year holiday season. It may be made worse by the anticipation of get-togethers, large family gatherings and attending or hosting social events.

“With holiday depression, you can feel like you’re on the outside looking in — like everyone else is having a great time when you’re not or can’t,” Dr. Potter says.

Unlike seasonal affective disorder (SAD), holiday depression may come and go in quick bursts as one event ends and another begins. Or it can linger throughout the days or weeks leading up to the holiday season.

“Depending on what’s going on in your life right now, and in the world around you, holiday depression can cause a disruption to your relationships, your mental health and your ability to manage everything that comes along with the holiday season,” she adds.

Symptoms of depression during the holidays

A few symptoms signal holiday blues:

• Feeling down, depressed or hopeless more often than not
• Losing interest or pleasure in things you usually enjoy
• Trouble sleeping, concentrating and/or feeling motivated
• Experiencing feelings of anxiety, nervousness or being “on edge” around the holidays, which can contribute to a lower mood

If holiday depression becomes severe, you may even experience:

• Intrusive thoughts that are difficult to manage on your own
• Thoughts of self-harm
• Thoughts of suicide

If you’re worried about your safety or feel like you’re in danger of hurting yourself, you can contact the 24/7 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline through phone, chat or text. You can also go to the emergency room or call your local emergency hotline to get the help you need.

What causes it?

Now, for the big question: Why do I feel so bad during holidays?

A variety of factors can influence your experience of the holiday season, from family size and family dynamics to the actual holidays you celebrate and what those celebrations look like. And all of those factors can lead to depression around the holidays.

“Holiday depression can happen to anybody, no matter who you are, because there are so many different things that can trigger it,” Dr. Potter says. Here are just a few.

• Loneliness: The holidays put an emphasis on family and togetherness. Feeling isolated during this time of year — like if you live far from family, don’t have much family or have recently lost a loved one — can lead to grief and depression.
• Family dynamics: Many people find the holidays stressful because of conflicts and feuds within their families. Dealing with toxic parents and otherwise difficult relatives can up the anxiety, too.
• Financial strain: The commercial positioning of the holiday season as a time of gift-giving can put pressure on you to buy, buy, buy. When money is tight, that can increase feelings of stress and sadness.
• Holiday trauma: If you’ve experienced trauma during holiday seasons past, like a medical emergency or the loss of a loved one, this time of year can remind you of what you’ve been through.
• Busy schedules: “It can be incredibly stressful to try to balance various obligations and coordinate schedules, especially if you have a large family,” notes Dr. Potter. And feeling overwhelmed by stress can lead to depression.
• Social anxiety: If social gatherings stress you out, the seemingly never-ending barrage of holiday events can feel excruciating. That can trigger all kinds of emotions, including winter blues.
• Feeling different: “Let’s say you’re one of only a few Jewish people in a small town, and everybody keeps wishing you a Merry Christmas,” Dr. Potter illustrates. “This can make you feel excluded or unseen.”
• Seasonal depression: The holidays coincide with the onset of winter, when it gets dark earlier and temperatures plunge. As seasonal depression rises, it can impact your holiday experience.
• The stress of hosting: If you’re organizing or hosting a holiday gathering, you may be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to live up to high expectations. And the stress of perfectionism can contribute to holiday blues.
• Other seasonal pressure: “This is a time of year when pressure can be ramping up unrelated to the holidays, too,” Dr. Potter points out. You may be prepping for exams at school or scrambling to meet end-of-year work deadlines, which can compound the stress of the holiday season.

“When you’re in these circumstances, it’s easy to assume that everyone else is having a happy, stress-free holiday,” Dr. Potter acknowledges. “And that can make what you’re feeling feel even more challenging.”

How to deal with the holiday blues

Holiday depression can feel daunting and even debilitating. But there are steps you can take to try to cope and find support to get you through this time of year. Depending on the source of your feelings and what exactly you’re going through, these tips may help.

Normalize what you’re feeling

When you’re feeling alone, it’s all too easy to think you’re the only one who’s feeling it. But Dr. Potter says it can be helpful to remind yourself that these are common feelings — and normal ones.

“You can try to refocus your thoughts away from the negative things you might be thinking,” she suggests. “For example, if you’re wallowing in the idea that everybody else is happy and you’re the only one feeling down, well, that’s just not true.”

Maybe you don’t know of anyone else who’s feeling this way. But that doesn’t mean they’re not feeling it.

Set boundaries

The holidays are a time to practice setting boundaries — whether it means creating spending limits for gift-giving or telling your overbearing family you won’t make it to all 10 of their over-the-top holiday events.

“It’s OK to decline an invitation or to go but leave early,” Dr. Potter reassures. “You can just be honest: Say that it’s important to you to attend, but you’ll have to leave before it’s over.”

Saying no can be difficult, especially to family and especially at the holidays. But try to remind yourself that you’re allowed to say no, especially when it’s what’s best for you.

“Only you get to choose what you do and don’t want to go to,” Dr. Potter reinforces.

Stay connected

Whether you’re estranged from family, don’t have much family or have to spend the holiday away from those you love, you still don’t have to be alone.

“Sometimes, when we’re feeling down, we dismiss the connections we do have,” Dr. Potter says. “If you're feeling lonely, reach out.”

And if your relatives are part of the problem, turn to your chosen family — the ones who bring you joy because you’ve opted into your relationships with one another.

Can’t be there in person? Staying in touch with phone calls, video chats and even simple texting can go a long way toward making spirits bright.

Prepare for stressful events ahead of time

If you’re feeling anxious about a large holiday gathering (or two or three), Dr. Potter recommends focusing more on intimate connections, even within a crowd.

Plan it out ahead of time: Who will be there? Who can be a safe space for you?

“Focus your attention on people you feel comfortable with,” she encourages. “You may be able to find an ally you can tell about your anxiety beforehand. They can help steer around difficult topics of conversation or awkward interactions.”

Remember loved ones lost

If your holiday depression is born of grief for a loved one who has died, consider ways to acknowledge them during the season. You could:

• Take time at your holiday gathering to share memories of them.
• Incorporate their favorite dish into your holiday menu.
• Make a toast to them before your holiday meal.
• Donate to a charity in their name.
• Visit their gravesite or light a candle in their memory.
• Do something they loved, like baking their favorite cookies or watching their favorite holiday movie.

“It might be bittersweet,” Dr. Potter recognizes, “but the holidays can be even more challenging when a loss isn’t talked about. It can make their absence even stronger.”

Give back

Helping others can boost your spirit and help you feel better — all while doing good for someone who really needs it.

“Doing some type of charity work or helping out in some way helps you connect with others,” Dr. Potter says. “It can go a long way toward easing loneliness.”

This holiday season, consider volunteering, like sorting meals at a food bank or spending time with residents of an assisted living facility.

Limit social media use

Cutting down on social media during the holidays can help you cut down on stress, too.

“We often make assumptions about other people’s level of happiness without seeing the full picture,” Dr. Potter warns. “But what you see online is just a highlight reel of their holiday.”

Scaling back can give you a better perspective — and help you feel more content with what you have, rather than longing for what you don’t.

“It can relieve you of feeling like you have to live up to something,” she adds. “You may be better able to focus on the fact that the holidays are about connecting, quality time and sharing joy with others — not just one ‘perfect’ photo or video.”

Take care of yourself

When you’re in the throes of holiday blues, it can be hard to be kind to your body and mind. But it’s important to try. Here’s what Dr. Potter recommends for practicing self-care this season:

• Do something you love. “Take some time to do something you enjoy, even if you don’t feel like it,” she urges.
• Prioritize sleep. Try not to let your sleep schedule fall by the wayside, as getting enough high-quality sleep is critical for good physical and mental health.
• Go outside. Yes, even if it’s cold! Getting outside in the daylight (whether it’s sunny or not) has been shown to boost mood.
• Move your body. Healthy habits often take a backseat during the busy holiday season, but physical activity is a proven way to improve your mental health.

“You can choose to take care of yourself, even while you’re feeling low,” Dr. Potter encourages.

Seek support

Holiday depression can be hard to shake, even if you’re doing all the “right” things. But professional support and guidance can help.

“If you have access to a therapist, you can discuss these feelings with them,” Dr. Potter says. “If you don’t have a therapist and think it might be a good idea, this is the time to consider reaching out.”

Final thoughts

“Blue Christmas” may be a great holiday song, but it’s not exactly the state of mind you want to be in.

“The holidays can shine a spotlight on what you feel you’re lacking in life,” Dr. Potter says. “But remember: You aren’t obligated to have a perfect holiday, and that doesn’t make you any less of a person or any less valuable to the people who love you.”

Oh, and one more important reminder: This too shall pass. Though the season can feel never-ending, there’s a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel: January is just a few weeks away!