Why a Martyr Complex Doesn’t Serve You

For some folks, throwing your hat into the ring and offering assistance comes easily. But if you feel like you’re always forced to step up to the plate because no one else will, you might have a martyr complex — and you can end up burning out faster than you light up the room.

Psychologist Ramone Ford, PhD, explains the dangers of being a martyr, how a martyr complex affects you and those you care about, and ways to stop yourself from making any more sacrifices.

What is a martyr complex?

A martyr complex is a psychological trait, but not a formal medical term or diagnosis. A martyr complex is when someone consistently self-sacrifices for the sake of others. By expending their time, energy, emotions, resources, and physical or emotional capabilities, a person with a martyr complex is left depleted and exhausted because they often do things for other’s benefit.

“Someone with a martyr complex typically sacrifices their own desires and needs for what they think is the greater good at the expense of their own well-being,” explains Dr. Ford.

A martyr complex is different from a savior complex.

With a savior complex, a savior sees their decision to help other people as part of a noble cause and they feel validated by their actions. Saviors believe in their cause.

But with a martyr complex, a martyr tends to feel like they’re making sacrifices that never receive enough praise or validation. Martyrs are forced to take up their cause or make their decisions in the hope they are well-respected or appreciated.

For example, a person with a savior complex might willingly volunteer to help with a project whenever their coworkers are sick. The savior feels a burning desire to help their coworkers because it makes them feel good whenever they step in to help solve problems.

But someone with a martyr complex feels forced to help out with a project because they think no one else will do as good of a job. While complaining about the situation, the martyr will likely work nights and weekends to complete the project, all while feeling like they’re never appreciated for putting in so much time and effort.

“If you’re compelled to take one for the team, what you want to do and how you want to live your life can sometimes get swallowed up in the midst of sacrificing all your time and energy,” explains Dr. Ford. “You lose the ability to create momentum and do your own thing because you get absorbed by the needs of other people when you have a martyr complex.”

Signs of a martyr complex

The martyr complex will look different based on the circumstances and events that occur at the time you’re making sacrifices. But in general, someone with a martyr complex may exhibit similar traits and behaviors like:

• Prioritizing the needs of others over their own.
• Difficulty saying “No.”
• Seeking praise or validation for their self-sacrificing behavior.
• Believing they deserve higher rewards based on the effort they put in.
• Feeling neglected or ignored by others even though they did all the right things.
• Feeling pressure to save the day because no one else will.
• Difficulty trusting or relying on other people.
• Difficulty setting up healthy boundaries, particularly around work, school or other daily responsibilities.
• Blaming others for their actions and outcomes.
• Participating in passive-aggressive behavior.
• Holding other people accountable to unrealistic expectations.
• Increased sense of dissatisfaction toward the person or organization you sacrifice for.

“As a martyr, you often lose the drive to make your own decisions and base your decisions around other people,” adds Dr. Ford. “You still feel that sense of obligation even though you take on all this pressure. But the outcome yields pain, frustration and burnout.”

What causes it?

Why would someone sacrifice so much if they feel they’re not validated by those experiences? As with other personality traits, often, someone develops a martyr complex as a result of experiences they’ve had in their childhood. Someone with avoidant or anxious attachment styles, for example, might be more likely to develop a martyr complex if they feel their boundaries were ignored or they were neglected when they were young.

“If you have a martyr complex, you might have felt as a kid like you were always giving up a sense of who you were or your time for the sake of other’s expectations,” explains Dr. Ford. “This value can become embedded in who you are as a person. As you get older and more mature, sometimes, these behaviors can become repetitive where you’re always willing to give up your time and resources.”

For example, a child who felt they needed to go above and beyond what was expected of them because they felt neglected is more likely going to adopt people-pleasing behaviors in adulthood at the expense of meeting their actual needs. In those cases, healing their inner child and those past experiences can help overcome the martyr complex. But these personality traits tend to be deeply ingrained in how we identify as individuals.

“Caring for a child with significant health conditions may also lead some parents or caregivers to develop these martyr-like compulsions, like they’re sacrificing everything for a child or the person they’re caring for,” he adds. “With the martyr complex, making sacrifices is a value you hold near and dear even though it lends itself to a lot of negative consequences.”

How the martyr complex impacts you and those around you

If you’re always making sacrifices, you can end up experiencing resentment toward the people or organizations you’re making sacrifices for. You may even feel like you’re always dissatisfied with the outcome, no matter what you say and do or how often you put yourself out there.

“Sometimes, it can feel like you’re always giving, giving, giving and that same level of giving is not reciprocated,” illustrates Dr. Ford. “At the same time, if you were the driver of giving so much of yourself, the other person might have difficulty keeping up or that might not be something they value.”

As a result, you can have an imbalance in your relationships and end up having unrealistic expectations for other people and what they’re able to give you in return. You can end up feeling defeated, as if nothing you do is ever enough. And if you end up internalizing that feeling over time, it could result in:

• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• Self-doubt.
• Low self-esteem.
• Difficulty with decision-making.
• Lack of agency or self-control.

“When it’s a true martyr complex, you have the propensity to persistently carry out these self-sacrificing behaviors,” he explains. “You’re always sacrificing, and that imbalance over time leads to resentment.”

Overcoming the martyr complex

Learning how to not participate in self-sacrificing behaviors takes time and a bit of trial and error. You have to figure out what your needs are and how you can meet those needs while also making sure you’re satisfied with the interactions you have with others on a daily basis.

If that sounds like a lot to you, it is. But there are small things you can do every day to help make this process of overcoming the martyr complex easier:

• Ask yourself where your motivation comes from. Find out what’s motivating your drive. What do you gain from your behaviors? How do they make you feel? What, if anything, can you do to feel differently? “You can build your awareness and know that you have a propensity to go off the rails and you have self-sacrificing behaviors, but in the long run, you also have to recognize you’re the one who suffers the consequences,” says Dr. Ford.
• Journal about your experiences. “Journaling is great because it gives you a timeline of your behaviors, thoughts and actions,” says Dr. Ford. “Journaling can help you understand what compels you to behave a certain way so that you can start to address your thoughts and actions and what can be done to move forward.”
• Bring your experiences to a therapist. “People with a martyr complex will often come to me because they feel burned out or stressed and they want to unpack what’s causing those feelings,” shares Dr. Ford. “If you feel you’re always giving up your time or you’re working crazy hours or you feel you’re not being reciprocated for all the things you’ve done, we would start there and begin to unpack why that is and if you exhibit any patterns of behavior.”
• Ask people to hold you accountable. If you’re in a relationship, you want to express your needs clearly so your partner can pull their weight and give positive reinforcement when you’re not overextending yourself. A coworker, family member or friend can fulfill the same role by helping you acknowledge when you over-step and when you should pull back. “It helps to remind someone that you’re on the same team,” advises Dr. Ford. “By bringing these things up, you’re bringing awareness to the situation. You’re not criticizing someone or judging them.”
• Reframe your narrative. Cognitive restructuring is key to making real change! Once you know why you participate in these behaviors and how they make you feel, it’s time to think about it from a different frame of mind. “If you don’t make a sacrifice for your partner or your job, ask yourself if that person would still love you or if you would still have a job,” recommends Dr. Ford. “Maybe all along you were telling yourself you had to make sacrifices in order to keep these things going, but maybe you can restructure your thoughts. Instead, think of it like this: ‘It would be nice to do what is expected of me, however, people will still love me if I pull back and I won’t get fired if I stick to my boundaries.’”
• Take action. Once you have that cognitive understanding of why you make certain decisions, you can correct your course of action to better match your needs and desires. “If your job has expectations that you work late, but you don’t want to be forced into that decision any longer, maybe you can set firm boundaries around your 9-to-5 so that you’re not sacrificing your time at 8 p.m. opening your emails,” suggests Dr. Ford.
• Set your boundaries. Immediately setting a full boundary is going to be a healthy decision because you don’t want your physical or mental health to diminish due to these external factors. “Ask yourself what is one thing you can do today to move you closer to your goal,” says Dr. Ford.
• Remember it’s OK to say “No.” “It starts with you. You have to be firm about what is important to you,” stresses Dr. Ford. “Rely on healthy affirmations to remind you that you’re setting these boundaries for a reason, to keep yourself healthy and safe, and to create a positive outcome. You have to believe these boundaries are in place for the sake of your well-being before you can share that with anyone else.”
• Learn to let go or leave a situation when it doesn’t serve you. “If you’re expressing your needs and a person is pushing past your boundaries, then it may be time to consider that their values are not aligned with what will keep you healthy and safe,” notes Dr. Ford.

Improving your outlook on life takes time, but it doesn’t need to take sacrifices. At the end of the day, your happiness is worth as much weight in gold as everyone else’s — you just have to believe in your worth and make sure your actions reinforce those beliefs.

“When you make changes in your life, people will go along with it if they respect your boundaries,” encourages Dr. Ford. “The more you support yourself, the more you believe it and the more willingness you have to put these ideas into action.”