What Kids Should Know About Strangers and Tricky People

If you grew up in the era of “stranger danger,” you probably remember being told to avoid white panel vans and people offering candy. The idea was simple: Strangers are the “bad guys” — and they look the part.

Now, we know better. More often than not, the people who do the most harm are the ones you know and trust. That’s why today’s safety conversations focus on “tricky people” instead.

Who are tricky people? And how can you help your child recognize them? Pediatrician Richard So, MD, shares how to have this important conversation.

Strangers, safe strangers and tricky people

When you talk with your child about staying safe, it helps to break adults into three simple categories:

1. Strangers: People your child doesn’t know at all.
2. Safe strangers: People your child doesn’t know well but can usually trust — like teachers, doctors, law enforcement or a parent’s friend.
3. Tricky people: People who act in ways that make them unsafe — no matter how well your child knows them.

“It shifts the focus from the stranger danger idea of, Do you know this person? to Does this person deserve your trust?,” Dr. So explains. “It’s about focusing on behaviors, not familiarity.”

Through this lens, that could mean people your child expected to trust can turn out to be the “bad guys.”

That shift in thinking matters — especially when you look at the statistics.

According to a 2022 U.S. Department of Health and Human Services report, 76% of child abuse is committed by a parent. And the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children reports that only 1% of abductions involve a stranger.

So, while the “scary stranger” scenario grabs the headlines, reality hits closer to home: Harm often comes from someone who has built up your trust. Teaching kids to spot tricky behavior — even when it happens in adults they thought were safe — is one of the best ways to protect them.

Signs of tricky people

Tricky people use certain tactics to build trust, create confusion or take control. Dr. So recommends explaining these potentially red flag behaviors to kids in clear, age-appropriate ways:

• Keeping secrets: Safe adults don’t ask kids to keep secrets from their parents.
• Offering bribes: They shouldn’t offer gifts, money or treats to get a child to do something.
• Asking for help: Safe adults don’t ask kids for help — like finding a pet, carrying things or giving directions.
• Breaking boundaries: No one should make you hug them or touch or tickle you without your permission.
• Changing plans: If someone says your parents sent them, don’t assume it’s true — even if they seem friendly or you’ve met them before. Have a system for alerting your child to these situations, like a family password. And tell your child who the safe people are who would pick them up in an emergency.
• Asking personal questions: Be careful online. If someone asks where you live or what your real name is, that’s a red flag.
• Making threats: If an adult says they’ll hurt your family or tells you not to say anything — that’s tricky behavior.

Bottom line: If an adult — any adult — does something that makes you feel scared, confused or uncomfortable, they may be a tricky person.

Talking with your child

No one wants to imagine their child being targeted. And you don’t want to burden them with fears. But giving kids the tools to spot warning signs and grooming behaviors can help keep them safe.

“The goal is to balance safety without fostering anxiety,” Dr. So says. “By age 3, kids can start learning that some adults might not be safe — and that they have the power to protect themselves.”

Dr. So shares a few tips to help you teach your child:

• Create a family password: If someone says your parents sent them, they should know the secret word. Don’t ever go with someone who doesn’t have the password. Run away from them.
• Teach the three safety steps: If something feels wrong: 1. Say no. 2. Get away. 3. Tell a safe adult.
• Practice real-life scenarios: Role-play what to do if someone talks to them at the park or if they get separated in a store.
• Talk about gut feelings: Help them recognize that “weird feeling” inside and trust it.
• Put safety over politeness: Kids should know it’s OK to be rude if someone makes them uncomfortable.
• Reinforce that you’ll always listen: Let your child know they can come to you — and that you’ll believe them, even if the concern seems small.

Most importantly, keep the conversation going.

“This isn’t a one-time talk,” stresses Dr. So. “It’s a message your child should hear often — in a way that builds confidence, not fear.”