How To Set Healthy Boundaries

“Setting boundaries” is a buzzy term these days. But what does it actually mean to establish and enforce healthy boundaries? And if you’ve never intentionally done so before, where do you even begin?

Social worker Karen Salerno, MSSA, LISW-S, explains why boundaries are so important and how to make sure yours are understood by the people in your life.

How to set boundaries

Knowing your boundaries gives you clarity about what you’re comfortable with — and empowers you to be clear about it with other people.

“It’s important to set up healthy boundaries so people know how to best communicate and interact with you,” Salerno says.

There are lots of different types of boundaries. Here’s a look at some of them, with examples to help you get a feel for each.

• Physical boundaries protect your personal space and physical comfort, like telling a date you’re not comfortable spending the night yet or asking a stranger in line not to stand so close to you.
• Emotional boundaries protect your feelings and mental health. You might, for example, tell a coworker you’re not comfortable sharing details about your dating life or tell a friend you don’t have the bandwidth for a venting session.
• Time boundaries protect your availability and how much time and energy you give to others. You may tell a client that you don’t take work calls after hours or tell your mother you can talk on the phone twice a week instead of every day.

Setting boundaries isn’t a one-step event — it’s a practice that starts with understanding yourself and your needs. Salerno explains how to set boundaries confidently and respectfully.

Step 1: Know what you need

Before you can set a boundary, determine what feels right to you and what doesn’t.

“Boundaries start with self-awareness,” Salerno points out. “You have to know what you need in order to ask for it.”

It may help to spend some time examining your core values and beliefs. Ask yourself questions like: What makes me feel comfortable? What drains me? How much time, energy and attention can I reasonably give others?

Examples:

You might decide you want to:

• Block time on your calendar so you don’t overcommit to social plans.
• Take some quiet time after work before you respond to any personal texts.
• Set limits on how much time you spend with a pushy relative.

Step 2: Communicate boundaries directly

Once you know what you need, it’s time to communicate it. And it’s important to be specific. Avoid hints or hoping the other person will “just know.”

Instead, use language that’s clear, firm and respectful to tell the other person exactly what behavior you’re comfortable with — and what you’re not. This helps them understand your boundary without guesswork.

Examples:

• “I don’t check work emails after hours; that time is reserved for my family. But I’ll get back to you in the morning.”
• “I’m working on sticking to a budget right now, so I’ll pass on going out for a group dinner. But I’d love to have you over for coffee.”
• “With a new baby in the house, same-day surprise visits are especially stressful for us. We’ll need a heads-up before visits to make sure the timing works for us.”

Step 3: Use ‘I’ statements

Talk about your needs from your own perspective. Using “I” statements keeps the focus on your needs rather than placing blame on the other person for their actions. This helps reduce defensiveness and keep conversations productive.

“Healthy boundaries don’t assert control over someone else,” Salerno clarifies. “They communicate your personal needs while acknowledging the needs of those around you.”

Here are some examples of what you might feel tempted to say versus how it can be reframed into an “I” statement.

Step 4: Establish consequences

What will happen if your stated boundary isn’t respected? Communicate that when you’re communicating the boundary itself.

The word “consequences” may sound harsh — but they don’t have to be. They can be as simple as, “If texts come after 8 p.m., I won’t respond until the next morning.” But they may also mean ending a conversation, leaving a situation or limiting future interactions.

“Establishing consequences shows that you’re serious about protecting your well-being,” Salerno says.

Step 5: Follow through

Boundaries only work if you honor them. If someone crosses a boundary you’ve clearly set, the consequences kick into action.

Sometimes, this means providing gentle reminders. Let’s say, for example, a coworker repeatedly interrupts your focused work time, remind them, “I can talk during lunch, but right now I’m in work mode.”

Other times, those reminders don’t need to be so gentle, especially if you feel that someone is intentionally crossing your boundary or continues to needle you to try to change your position. In these cases, you can reinforce your boundary using simple but firm language, like, “I’ve already shared my answer, and it hasn’t changed.”

“You also want to make sure you follow through on your boundaries,” Salerno emphasizes. “If you’re not firm about them, it may make it harder for other people to trust your boundary setting in the future.”

Step 6: Apply boundaries consistently … and adjust as needed

The more consistently you apply your boundaries, the more others learn what you expect — and the easier it becomes to uphold them.

But it’s OK to be flexible, too.

“As your life changes, your relationships will change and evolve over time,” Salerno observes. “If you ever feel like something is off, it’s never too late to re-establish or modify old boundaries or to set new ones.”

Why boundaries are so important

Boundaries aren’t barriers — they’re tools that help you care for yourself and others in meaningful ways. Good boundaries allow you to:

• Retain your sense of identity and values
• Keep others from taking advantage of you
• Be assertive and intentional about what matters to you
• Respect both your needs and the needs of others
• Have healthier, more respectful relationships

Without them, it’s easy to overextend yourself, feel resentful or lose sight of your own needs.

“Boundaries are the framework we set for ourselves for how we want to be treated by others and how we treat other people,” shares Salerno. “If you don’t set boundaries and always let other people dictate your time or actions, it can lead to a sense of exhaustion and burnout.”

Setting boundaries also reveals who respects you. People who value your well-being will work to honor your limits, even if it takes time.

Final thoughts

Setting healthy boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s an essential part of caring for yourself and maintaining meaningful relationships.

It can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to putting other people’s needs ahead of your own. But with practice, boundary-setting can become a powerful tool for protecting your health, happiness and sense of self.

“If this practice is new to you, start with small boundary changes to help build your confidence for when you set larger boundaries in the future,” Salerno advises. “The more you practice, the better you’ll get at it.”

If you’re struggling to set or maintain boundaries, talking with a mental health professional can help you develop strategies that work for you — so you can get comfortable practicing them in your everyday life.