Is It Love or Limerence? Here’s How To Tell the Difference

Have you ever had feelings for another person that were too powerful to control? That made you miserable or made it hard to function? Have you ever worried your need to be with that one special person was stronger than your attachment to reality? That your crush might be damaging your mental health?

That’s not a crush. That’s limerence. And it’s an increasingly popular topic in the age of social media. Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, explains what limerence is, what causes it and what to do if it happens to you.

What is limerence?

“Limerence” describes an involuntary attachment to another person — also known as a “limerent object” (LO) — that takes on an obsessive quality. The involuntary nature of the connection is key: The experience of limerence is similar to addiction and other compulsive behaviors. Limerence alters your mental and biological state. You’re consumed by your feelings for another person, whether you like it or not. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov developed the concept in the late 1970s.

“A person in limerence may not want to feel this way,” Duke says. “The LO might not even be their ‘type’. But something about that person’s drawing them in and really triggering them.”

Limerence usually involves intense sexual desire, but it doesn’t have to. Platonic limerence between friends, while rare, can happen.

The relationship with a limerent object can vary, too. You may be in a relationship of some kind, romantic or otherwise. But you may not. You can also experience limerence for a person you’ve only met a few times, or not at all — like a celebrity or a person you encounter on social media.

“Limerence is usually one-sided,” Duke notes. That’s because the primary feeling powering the attachment is uncertainty — specifically, uncertainty about whether your LO reciprocates your feelings. In fact, Duke says that you don’t necessarily have to care about somebody to form a limerent bond with them. It’s about obsession, not love.

What causes limerence?

“Under the right circumstances, anybody can experience limerence,” Duke shares. “But some people are more prone to it.”

You may be more likely to experience limerence if you’re deficient in certain neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters are the chemicals in our brain that send messages to our body. If you’re low in neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine (the “happy hormones”), attention from your limerent object can cause a sudden surge that affects both your mind and body. It’s the ultimate positive reinforcement.

Neurotransmitters are also a primary driver of dependency. That’s why limerence reflects the experiences of addiction, withdrawal and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Other factors that may make you more susceptible to limerence include:

• Insecure attachment. There’s an active debate about whether limerence should be classified as a mental health condition. Duke’s take: Limerence is best understood as an attachment disorder. “When you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style, it means you didn’t form a secure bond with your caregiver as a child, for whatever reason. As a result, you don’t have a secure attachment with yourself,” she explains.
• Trauma. “People who’ve experienced trauma might have difficulty being by and with themselves,” Duke says. “The preoccupation with a limerent object can be a way to avoid thinking about other, more painful feelings.”
• Low self-esteem. Sometimes, it feels safer to be in a relationship that, deep down, you know will end in rejection. If you believe you’re unworthy or unlovable, the impossible one-sidedness of a limerent relationship can be comforting. It means you’re never truly vulnerable.
• Social media use. “Modern technology can be addictive. It allows you to access a person’s history, see their pictures and know what they’re doing every day,” Duke says. “It makes it easy to feel connected to a person that you may not even really know.” The same goes for online dating: It’s easier than ever to project your hopes and dreams on a complete stranger.

The difference between limerence and love

It can be hard to distinguish between limerence and love when you’re in the thick of it. Here are some general principles that might help clarify your situation:

What are the stages of limerence?

Limerence has three distinct stages: infatuation, crystallization and deterioration.

Stage 1: Infatuation

The infatuation stage is when you establish a real or perceived connection with a limerent object — who may or may not actually know you. It can look similar to love at first sight, but it can also be gradual. You may start having intrusive thoughts or fantasies about them. When you interact with them, you’re probably anxious and excited. You overanalyze those interactions later, looking for “evidence” they’re interested in you.

Stage 2: Crystallization

Crystallization is when the feelings you develop in the infatuation stage reach their height. Any doubts you had that your LO is perfect are gone.

Infatuation can feel nice, like the thrill of a new crush. Crystallization, not so much. Your interest is now an obsession. The intrusive thoughts and fantasies take up large chunks of your day. You feel like your identity and willpower are slipping away as you become more and more desperate for your limerent object to reciprocate your feelings. In fact, the depth of the longing is sometimes so intense that it causes:

• Palpitations or fast heartbeat.
• Loss of appetite.
• Poor sleep.
• Difficulty concentrating.
• Stomach issues.
• Mood swings.

During the crystallization stage, you might start behaving differently, too. For example, you memorize your LO’s class schedule so you can “accidentally” bump into them every day. Or you lose entire evenings waiting for a response to a racy text. Maybe you befriend their friends in the hope of figuring out if your feelings are reciprocated. And while you’re doing all of it, you’re neglecting other aspects of your life.

In extreme cases, the compulsion prompts dangerous behaviors like stalking or harassment.

Stage 3: Deterioration

Uncertainty about an LO’s interest sustains limerence. But certainty will eventually intervene — sometimes gradually, sometimes lightning fast. That’s when you enter the deterioration stage. Maybe your limerent object rejects you outright or does so indirectly by dating or marrying somebody else. Perhaps you learn something about them that topples the pedestal you’d placed them on. You might come to terms with reality and accept you’ll never meet them. Or you could find somebody new to focus on — if you’re lucky, it’s somebody you can have a healthier relationship with.

While rare, there is one other possibility: You and your LO actually do come together and build a relationship. Limerence can end in that scenario, too, because the work of being in a healthy relationship with another person interrupts the fantasy. It’s similar to a honeymoon period ending: The relationship may be less exciting, but it’s also more honest and comfortable.

If you’re in the deterioration stage, you may experience:

• Relief. Life is calming down and you feel more like yourself again.
• Empowerment. Your thoughts and behavior don’t revolve around someone else anymore. You’re excited to rediscover who you are and what you want — and have the emotional strength to re-erect broken boundaries.
• Fulfillment. When you’re living for yourself — not somebody else — it’s easier to feel genuine satisfaction with your life as it is.
• Disappointment. Your LO isn’t perfect. And they aren’t the answer to your problems. Realizing that your fantasies can’t be reality may be disheartening.
• Despair. You may find yourself feeling sad or hopeless and missing the euphoric aspects of limerence.
• Guilt. You may feel regretful about neglecting other areas of your life or lament “wasting time” on an infatuation.
• Anger. If you feel rejected or mistreated, you may develop hostile feelings toward your limerent object. If that anger escalates into rage, it could become dangerous for both of you.

Signs limerence is ending

Feelings are weird and complicated — so much so that they can be hard to interpret. The following may indicate that limerence is ending:

• Digital detachment. You spend less time monitoring your LO on social media, texting them or waiting by the phone hoping they’ll call you.
• Improved self-esteem. You don’t crave validation from your limerent object as much as you used to.
• Clearer thinking and focus. Intrusive thoughts occupy less of your time, making it easier to get work done, be present with loved ones and enjoy life.
• Less anxiety and anger. Becoming less concerned about your LO’s interest in you (and less jealous of their interest in other people) may mean spending less time stressed and nervous.
• Re-evaluating your limerent object. You’re realizing little things about your LO you never noticed before. You idealized your relationship with a married person as a “forbidden love,” but they’re technically cheating. They want kids and are allergic to dogs — but you want dogs and are allergic to kids! Those late-night texts are a bit breadcrumb-y. Whatever the revelation, their perfect façade’s cracking. And you’re seeing the human being underneath.
• Fewer intrusive thoughts. That hopefully means spending less time on an emotional rollercoaster, vacillating between euphoria and misery.
• Attraction to other people. You’re reconnecting with friends and loved ones, meeting new people and may even be considering dating. You might still enjoy your their company, but you want more out of life than just their approval.

If any of these feelings become overwhelming, it’s important to reach out to a loved one or mental health provider for support.

How long does limerence last

Dr. Tennov used interviews and questionnaires to determine the average length of limerence. The conclusion, published in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence, was that most limerent fixations last between 18 months and three years. But, she noted, in extreme cases, limerence can last for as little as a few days and for as long as a lifetime.

How long you experience limerence depends on a variety of factors, including:

• Reciprocity. If you and your LO are experiencing the same thing, the relationship will likely burn hot and fast. If you don’t know them, it’s easier to project fantasies onto them.
• The cause. People experience limerence for different reasons. If you have an attachment disorder, for example, it may be more difficult to shake your infatuation.
• Your behavior. “Oftentimes, with limerence, you end up pushing the person away,” Duke notes. That can shorten the limerent period.
• Their personality. How does your limerent object respond to the attention you give them? If they encourage it, have codependent tendencies or engage in manipulative tactics like hoovering, that could prolong things.
• Personal circumstances. If your LO moves away or you become a caregiver for a sick relative, for instance, it may force you to shift focus.
• Your goals and beliefs. The stage of life you’re in, the things you hope to accomplish and your personal values can all determine how quickly limerence fades.

Getting help

Limerence can make you feel powerless. But you do have power. And you can use it to get help, if that’s what you want.

Help doesn’t just mean ending the limerent relationship. As Duke explains, it also means cultivating a secure attachment with yourself. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you do that. A therapist can assist in identifying causes and addressing the behaviors keeping you in limerence.

“Doing online research or checking social media a lot is a big one,” she adds. “So, maybe your first goal is to stop running searches on them or step away from social media. From there you can work your way up to behaviors that are more challenging to stop.”

Nobody wants to be in limerence. We want love. And it can be disheartening to realize that your relationship isn’t what you’d hoped — that you’ve been in love with an idea, not a person. But having a name for these feelings and behaviors is a crucial first step to breaking free of them. After all, if you can name it, you can do something about it. And the sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be able to build a meaningful connection you actually enjoy.