Limerence: The Science of Obsessive Attraction

If you’ve ever been “madly” in love with someone who doesn’t share the same feelings, you’ve likely experienced the psychological phenomenon known as limerence.

These one-sided relationships can be damaging to your mental and physical health.

Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, explains how limerence unfolds, what causes it and what you can do if it happens to you.

What is limerence?

Limerence is an involuntary state of intense obsession, fixation and attachment to another person — also known as a “limerent object” (LO). These intense feelings, which are not returned, often stem from unresolved relationships or unrequited love. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov developed the concept in the late 1970s.

Limerence isn’t an official medical diagnosis. But it may be associated with certain attachment styles, like anxious attachment or avoidant attachment. It’s also comparable to addiction and other compulsive behaviors.

Unlike love, with limerence, you’re consumed by your feelings for another person, whether you like it or not. It’s like an involuntary pull toward someone you can’t have — it’s more than a crush.

“A person in limerence may not want to feel this way,” Duke says. “The LO might not even be their ‘type.’ But something about that person is drawing them in and really triggering them.”

Causes of limerence

“Individuals with anxious attachment styles and/or low self-esteem may be more prone to experiencing limerence,” says Duke. “Those with ADHD may also be more prone to experiencing limerence, due to a tendency to hyperfocus at times.”

Limerance does have some overlapping characteristics with addiction. In both, the “happy hormone” dopamine is released when an individual comes in contact with the object of their addiction. This results in your brain experiencing pleasure, and as dopamine is part of your body’s reward system, you continue to seek out that “high.” It’s the ultimate positive reinforcement.

In addition, the neurotransmitter serotonin appears to drop during both limerence and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Although studies have shown the experience of limerence doesn’t fit quite as neatly into the diagnostic criteria needed for OCD, there are some parallels in the way obsession can evolve over time.

Factors that may make you more vulnerable to limerence include:

• Insecure attachment styles
• Trauma
• Low self-esteem
• Excessive social media use

“We also can’t deny that modern technology can be particularly addictive. It allows you to access a person’s history, see their pictures and know what they’re doing every day,” Duke adds. “Online dating apps and social media profiles make it easy to feel connected to a person that you may not even really know.”

Signs to look for

When you’re in limerence, you tend to put all of your time, energy and focus onto the person you long for and the kind of relationship you’re missing. As a result, you might:

• Sacrifice your own needs to meet the needs of your LO
• See your LO as perfect and without flaws (the halo effect)
• Feel anxious or restless when you’re around them and when you’re apart
• Fear rejection, neglect or being left behind
• Long for your LO and feel lonely when they’re unavailable
• Experience intense mood swings ranging from euphoria to despair
• Struggle with intrusive or obsessive thoughts and daydreams about them
• Repeatedly participate in obsessive-compulsive behaviors, like checking texts and social media pages

Like with lovesickness, you can experience physical symptoms, too, including:

• Nausea
• Heart palpitations
• Excessive sweating
• Loss of appetite
• Lack of sleep

“Just as healthy relationships can look different, the experience of limerence can differ for everyone,” says Duke. “For example, for one person, it may last six months and be moderately intense for one person. While for another, limerence can go on for years and be particularly intense.”

Stages of limerence

There are various ways to define the cycle of limerence. Most theories revolve around three main stages:

1. Infatuation: You develop a real or perceived connection with another person. It feels like love at first sight, and you start fantasizing about them. Positive interactions result in extreme euphoria, while negative ones leave you feeling despair or dread.
2. Crystallization: Your infatuation peaks. You change routines and base your actions off your obsession with this person, all while neglecting your own needs. You become desperate for this person to return or acknowledge your feelings, as your fantasies take up large parts of your day. People might note you’ve changed.
3. Deterioration: Over time, as your desires and needs go unmet and it becomes clear a relationship isn’t possible, your attachment to this person falls apart. You might feel anger, resentment or deep sadness. In some cases, limerence can end on a high note when feelings are reciprocated or a relationship begins with someone else.

“The work of being in a healthy relationship with another person can interrupt the fantasy,” notes Duke. “It’s similar to a honeymoon period ending. The relationship may be less exciting, but it’s also more honest and comfortable.”

How to stop limerence

Limerence can last for a few weeks or a few years — and it can happen just once or multiple times in a single lifetime. But however it starts, limerence eventually ends.

If limerence is making you feel powerless, there are things you can do to move past it and find true love with someone else. Here are a few helpful strategies:

• Accept your feelings for what they are. Try not to judge yourself for wanting more out of a relationship. We all want to be loved. That makes you human.
• Be honest with yourself. Reflect on what you need out of a healthy relationship. If a relationship isn’t serving you, it might be best to search for other opportunities for companionship.
• Practice self-love. “If someone isn’t returning your feelings or isn’t able to be there for you, you can always count on yourself,” states Duke. “You are the best resource for figuring out what makes you happy. And you can always show up for yourself if no one else does.”
• Set healthy boundaries. Limit your interactions with people who aren’t showing up for you in the ways you need.
• Limit your social media. “Checking social media a lot is a big one,” says Duke. “So, maybe try to stop running searches on them or step away from social media. From there, you can work your way up to behaviors that are more challenging to stop.”
• Broaden your social circle. There are different kinds of love. If you’re not feeling fulfilled romantically, strengthen connections with friends, coworkers and family who make you feel appreciated. Over time, those relationships can distract you from desperation and even inspire you to broaden your horizons.
• Ask for help. Solutions don’t just stop with ending the limerent relationship. As Duke explains, it also means cultivating a secure attachment with yourself. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you do that. A therapist can help you identify causes and address the behaviors that are keeping you in limerence.

It can be disheartening to realize you’re in limerence and in love with an idea, not a person. But by leaving that attachment behind, you can create an opportunity to connect and flourish with someone new — if that’s something you want.

And the sooner you strengthen your relationship with yourself, the sooner you’ll be able to build a meaningful connection with someone else. It just takes time, growth and understanding.