Here’s How To Handle the Ick When You’re Dating

They chew with their mouth open. They fart in public. They read highway signs out loud like they’re listed on a bingo card. They leave every kitchen cupboard wide open. They’re a little too in touch with their emotions.

We could go on and on and on about the list of icks — things people do that turn you off or make you feel repulsed or disgusted. But should we? Are icks really dealbreakers when it comes to relationships, or are they grounds for communication and growth?

Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD, unearths what’s really going on when icks get in the way of your relationship and how you can overcome them.

What is ‘the ick’?

‘The ick’ is a visceral, negative reaction to someone’s behavior, personality traits or mannerisms. It’s less about their inherent morals and values and if they’re an ideal match for your relationship. It’s more about turn-offs that give you a physical feeling of repulsion.

“This is not a new concept, but I think social media has brought it to life and given it a new name,” clarifies Dr. Childs. “It’s that gross factor that we feel with people who have done something that turns our stomachs or just makes us feel achy inside.”

That ick factor can come on suddenly and without warning within the first few minutes of a first date or years into a long-term relationship or marriage. What often makes an ick problematic is that they tend to be superficial issues rather than real, concerning problems. Plus, emphasizing the importance of an ick once you’ve recognized it or experienced its repulsion might cause you to pull away or start poking holes in an otherwise healthy relationship.

“When you pay attention to icks that aren’t really dealbreakers, there may be a deeper issue there,” says Dr. Childs. “Maybe you need to step back and look at the relationship for what it really is. Would those be dealbreakers in any other relationship? If they wouldn’t be, then what’s the real problem?”

Why do you get the ick?

Icks happen for all kinds of reasons. On one hand, they may happen as a form of projection. If someone does something that we don’t like about ourselves, we may consider that a turn-off because it reinforces our cognitive biases.

“Sometimes, we can see things in other people that we don’t necessarily like to see in ourselves and we make it about something it’s actually not about,” clarifies Dr. Childs.

But icks are very different from real red flags, so they shouldn’t be confused with one another.

“If a person is degrading you, calling you names, abusing you mentally, emotionally or spiritually, those are real things that affect your morals and values,” warns Dr. Childs. “But if someone is using the wrong utensil at dinner or misspelling their text messages, those may be things you can discuss and work through if you truly care about them.”

But what if you’re on a first date? Why do icks happen sometimes in the earliest stages of getting to know someone?

“Icks could also happen for a ton of other reasons,” explains Dr. Childs. “Maybe the relationship is going too fast or maybe you have reservations, so you pick something you don’t like about the person that gives you permission to not be in the relationship.”

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might experience higher levels of repulsion or icks because you may be hesitant to invest in a relationship or be fearful of being hurt.

“Icks give you a reason to end it without having to hold yourself accountable,” she adds.

The ick in a long-term relationship

Icks that suddenly pop up in long-term relationships, on the other hand, might speak to something happening on a much deeper level in terms of your connectivity to your partner and the foundation of your relationship. In some circumstances, you may be experiencing a disconnect in other areas of your relationship or you may need to reevaluate how things are going and if everyone’s needs are being met.

“When icks come up in long-term relationships, it’s not about the thing that happened; it’s typically about a deeper issue that the couple needs to address,” explains Dr. Childs.

“More than likely, it’s helpful to address those issues in couple’s therapy to figure out why they’re all of a sudden irritated with the person who’s done this thing for five, 10 or 15 years. We need to dig down to see what the issue of irritation is about. Once we address that issue, we can address the ick factor.”

Is it healthy to keep a list of icks?

You shouldn’t keep a list of icks on your phone or in your back pocket. Unlike red flags, icks tend to be shallow things that, for the most part, can be glossed over or are teachable lessons given enough time.

“Keeping a list of icks sets you up for failure,” warns Dr. Childs. “Knowing what you will put up with and not put up with in a relationship are your own personal requirements for the morals and values of what’s good for you in a relationship. But icks are more like a checklist that we get off of social media that sound very shallow.”

Putting too much weight on icks could disrupt a relationship, especially before it has a solid chance of getting started.

“We often put people on the chopping block because we put too much weight on icks,” she continues. “How would you feel if you’re being given one chance on a first date and you’re automatically cut off because you didn’t wipe your mouth right or you didn’t use the right utensil? Maybe they didn’t give you a napkin or your utensils were dirty and you were forced to use what was left.”

In long-term relationships, there’s at least that space and room to sit down and have a conversation about what’s irking (or icking) you — and communication is key in making sure long-term relationships continue to thrive and evolve. Holding onto your icks only gets in the way.

“You can love somebody and be with somebody for 12, 14 years and they can still get on your nerves,” acknowledges Dr. Childs. “But we are still human beings and we can work on the relationship and work on our mistakes together to get to the root of what’s causing our frustrations.”

How to get rid of the ick

If you’re looking to strengthen your stomach and power through the ick factor, there are a few things Dr. Childs suggests you can do to make sure these icks don’t overwhelm you in all the wrong ways:

• Recognize that nobody is perfect. Take a self-inventory and look at what your true values and morals are in a relationship setting. Is there something you’re missing, or are your icks surface-level annoyances?
• Put the ick into context. Can your ick be helped or not? Is it a dealbreaker that needs to be discussed immediately or is it something that can be discussed later down the line?
• Be in the present moment. Like any good meditation, allow the ick to happen, take note of it and how it makes you feel, let it pass and keep going. The more you focus on them, the more you take away from your ability to enjoy what you’re doing.
• Consider talking to a therapist. Therapy allows you to do some perspective-taking. That ability to step back and look at the big picture is really helpful in knowing that not everyone is perfect (see above!) and that everyone is a human being deserving of love and respect.
• Talk to your partner about your ick factors. “Sit down and have an intentional conversation about what irritates you and why to help the other person understand your perspective,” advises Dr. Childs. “Don’t be confrontational or judgmental, but be honest. It may be that they don’t even realize what they’re doing.”

At the end of the day, supporting each other’s needs and desires in a relationship and maintaining open and honest communication about how everyone is feeling is key to making sure everyone is on the same page, supported and loved. Putting your partner on alert and having them be aware of what’s happening and how it’s making you feel is always helpful. Plus, it allows them to grow and respond accordingly.

“Without that communication, they don’t have the ability to respond and grow,” points out Dr. Childs.