Limerence vs. Love: What’s the Difference?

It can be easy to get caught up in the magical, heart-pumping feeling of infatuation. When you experience love at first sight, your desire for a relationship may only grow stronger.

But if it’s one-sided and your feelings aren’t returned, you can wind up feeling stuck in limerence (or obsession) instead of experiencing love.

Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, explains how limerence and love differ from one another and why one can sometimes lead to the other.

Limerence vs. love

Limerence is an intense, often unreciprocated, obsession with another person (a “limerent object” or LO). It’s characterized by:

• Extreme fears of rejection
• A desperate longing to be desired
• Changing your behavior in the hopes that someone will build a relationship with you

“Limerence feels like falling madly in love,” says Duke. “It’s involuntary, meaning you feel like you can’t control it or you don’t have power over it. And it can seep into everything you do — your thoughts, your feelings, the way you go about your day and the activities that capture your attention.”

Love is different in that it involves a deeper and shared connection that’s rooted in reality. It requires mutual respect, deep commitment and emotional affection. It doesn’t force you to sacrifice your own needs or desires to make room for someone else or to convince someone to strike up a relationship with you. With love, there’s a true bond between partners and a shared understanding that you’re working together for the betterment of the relationship.

Characteristic differences

It can be hard to recognize the difference between limerence and love when you’re in the thick of it. Here are some general examples of how limerence and love play out:

How long does limerence last vs. love?

Studies show that limerence can last for a few weeks or a few years. It can even happen multiple times in your life with different people and different kinds of relationships.

Love is much the same way. You can experience different kinds of love for varying lengths of time, and some last for years and years.

How long you experience limerence or love depends on a variety of factors.

The duration of a relationship defined by limerence is based on:

• Intensity: Limerence can burn hot and fast or last a long time if you’re projecting fantasies on someone you don’t really know. But the connection you feel is often overwhelming and mistaken for a true bond.
• Dependency: If you have an insecure attachment style, it may be more difficult to leave limerence behind. If your LO has codependent tendencies or engages in manipulation, like hoovering, that could prolong your attachment, too.
• Instability: Limerence typically doesn’t survive big life changes. If your LO moves away or you become a caregiver for a sick relative, for example, it may become easier for you to move on than to try to maintain a one-sided relationship.
• Fragility: Limerence always fades. The feelings you have toward the other person will also fluctuate or change in dramatic ways as things improve or worsen.

How long a relationship lasts when it’s defined by love is based on:

• Stability: When you’re faced with challenges or when life hits you hard, you rely on a loved one for motivation, inspiration and support. A true emotional bond isn’t typically fragile like it is with limerent bonds.
• Collaboration: When love is involved, there’s a mutual respect and an appreciation or understanding of each other’s flaws. This prolongs the life and health of a relationship, as you’re willing to grow and evolve with each other.
• Commitment: In a healthy relationship, you act as equal partners with shared values. You take on more responsibility when your partner struggles and they support you in the same way during difficult times. You’re committed to each other’s happiness and success.
• Autonomy: You love someone for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Loving relationships last longer when partners give each other the space to grow individually and pursue their own passions while they’re together.

Can limerence turn into love?

Limerence can’t turn into love. The limerence first has to end, and then both parties could possibly build a new relationship where love grows if they’re able to establish a real, genuine connection. But it’s important to remember these are two different states.

Remember, a relationship requires mutual respect, desire and commitment. Often, the transition from limerence to love takes time because you almost need to remove the “rose-colored glasses” of limerence to truly see the other person, flaws and all. And the LO needs to adjust their perspective, too. If they aren’t returning the same feelings, the relationship will remain one-sided.

You’ll know when you’re truly building a relationship with this person when the anxiety, intensity and all those butterflies in your stomach make way for calm security, teamwork and true, shared partnership.

“It’s important to remember that love grows over time, through real-life experiences, respect for the other person and the ability to see and understand the whole person,” Duke emphasizes.

“Relationships that happen very quickly and involve intense highs and lows are based in fantasy are examples of limerence. Healthy loving relationships bring out an individual’s best self, as opposed to leading to insecurity and anxiety.”

A note on treating obsessions

If you struggle with one-sided relationships or are concerned about limerence, consider working with a therapist. It can sometimes take months or years to understand your relationships and why you feel the way you do about other people and the kinds of relationships you find yourself in. A therapist can help put all of that into perspective.

“The more you gain insight into your behavior and why you feel certain emotions at different intensities, the easier it gets to express your emotions and recognize red flags,” encourages Duke. “This process takes time, and you don’t have to figure it out alone.”