Save Yourself From the Savior Complex

Everyone loves a white knight in shining armor — but there comes a time when even superheroes need saving. If you’re the kind of person who overextends themselves for the benefit of other people, you might have a savior complex.

Psychologist Ramone Ford, PhD, explains why trying to “save” other people can become harmful, how to recognize when you need to take a step back and how to overcome the savior complex without losing your sense of self.

What is a savior complex?

The savior complex, or white knight syndrome, describes the need to “save” other people by fixing their problems for them. Someone with a savior complex often feels the compulsion to go out of their way to help other people, even if those other people don’t need or want their help. While this isn’t an exact medical diagnosis, the savior complex is associated with a pattern of behaviors that reinforce this specific state of mind.

“The savior complex is a compulsion to save others and a driving desire to solve problems,” explains Dr. Ford. “These are often unconscious processes. So, these burning desires to be altruistic typically don’t go away on their own until they feel the situation is resolved in the way they want to resolve it.”

Signs of the savior complex

There are several telling signs of savior behavior, many of which overlap with each other. Here are the most common ones and how these behaviors can cause more harm than they do help:

• You’re attracted to people in distress and/or toxic situations. “If you’re compelled to save other people, you’re always looking for the bird with a broken wing,” says Dr. Ford. “You’re prime for when people are down on their luck because it helps to build your need and fulfill that compulsion to save others.”
• You’re burned out on relationships. “If you look over the course of history and you’re always the one who’s pouring from your cup but the other person is always having their cup filled, you might be giving too much of yourself,” he shares.
• You’re always trying to change other people or improve their situations. “You have to realize that no matter how much you try and change someone, you won’t get your desired outcome. For people to grow, they have to want to make changes for themselves,” stresses Dr. Ford. “If you’re always going in with the idea that you’re trying to resolve their issues before the person can even build that muscle for themselves, that person may never grow.”
• You make excessive personal sacrifices. “When you give so much of your time, energy and resources, in the long run, you can end up in a worse position because you’re trying to save someone with depleted resources,” he notes. “As your resources deplete, you may often find yourself in your own distressing situations without the same level of assistance from the person you’re trying to save.”
• You frequently end up in one-sided relationships. “You may end up in poor relationships or unhealthy relationships where multiple people fulfill the role of takers,” shares Dr. Ford. “You may realize you’re surrounded by takers because they realize you’re a giver or you won’t set healthy boundaries around your relationships.”
• You need to solve everything and you’re the only one with answers. “These burning desires to be altruistic typically don’t go away on their own until the situation is resolved,” he says. “So, you’re more likely to put undue pressure on yourself to solve situations the way you think they should be solved. Often, that leaves you with unrealistic expectations and the feeling you can never do enough.”
• You help someone for the wrong reasons. “If you feel like you change yourself to fit whatever someone else needs you to be, or if you find yourself drawn to people who tend to take and take whatever it is you’re willing to give, these are red flags that your self-worth is dependent on other people’s opinions,” Dr. Ford says.

When you start to believe something is inherently wrong with you as a human being, your mental, emotional and physical health can be negatively affected for the long term. Spoilers: You’re perfectly fine just the way you are. But maybe there is some work to be done around what motivates you and where you’re getting your needs met.

“You have to build awareness around what motivates your behavior and realize that some of this doesn’t help you,” advises Dr. Ford. “By exploring why you don’t feel good in relationships or why you don’t feel good about yourself, we can unpack these behaviors, learn where they come from, build up your self-worth and reinstate healthier boundaries.”

What causes it?

“The savior complex ties into low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence,” explains Dr. Ford.

There are several reasons someone might feel insecure about their place in the world and how they interact with other people, but often, the savior complex is rooted in the experiences you’ve had when you were young. You might be more likely to develop a savior complex if:

• You have an anxious attachment style.
• Your inner child is wounded.
• You took care of your younger siblings as the oldest child.
• You’re a people-pleaser.

“Maybe when you were young you had to help your family survive and the message was that you had to sacrifice your needs for the greater good of the family,” he continues. “You carry those experiences into adulthood. But even though it feels good to feel supportive, we know in the long run that it may not be healthy for us because it takes a toll on us after a while.”

How it impacts you and other people

The savior complex is often centered around issues with control and anxiety. Although the savior means well, their ability to manage crises trumps their ability to collaborate with others. The difference between helping someone and saving someone comes down to understanding when and how your solutions are actually needed, and whether or not a problem is indeed a problem that needs to be solved.

“When you’re helping someone, maybe a person asks for help or gets the option to accept help,” poses Dr. Ford. “But with the savior complex, there’s almost a burning desire that makes someone want to become a caretaker, whether the person they’re caring for gives them permission or not.”

For the person who’s being saved, there’s often a risk of dependency because they may start to rely on the savior to swoop in and save the day. But relying on that help can give someone a false sense of security and an inability to hold themselves accountable and grow from their mistakes.

On the flip side, if someone doesn’t need or want the help that’s being thrown at them, they may distance themselves from the savior or reject their advances entirely.

“Not everyone wants that dependence and not everyone wants to be saved,” he stresses. “Having a savior complex can become unhealthy or unhelpful when it moves from a place of empathy to a place where you’re always rescuing them or they’re never learning to work through conflict or problem-solve on their own.”

Relationships can become strained and difficult to maintain. The savior can become physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to change someone or save them from all of their problems. The savior might also become increasingly irritable toward the person or situation and they can end up feeling detached from the person they’re trying to save if their attempts to help are rejected. All of these things can lead to a buildup of resentment or a sense of failure.

“You can internalize your sense of failure if you feel like you’re not giving enough of yourself or if the person is rejecting your help,” clarifies Dr. Ford. “You may feel like maybe you just need to work harder, but you might never get to the point where your help is accepted or appreciated.”

And if you base your sense of worth on your ability to help others, you might beat yourself up if it doesn’t turn out the way you expected. Over time, you may also end up with:

• Difficulty maintaining friendships.
• Depression.
• Self-doubt.
• Social anxiety.

“If you’re always looking for validation through a relationship and you feel validated by giving more of yourself, when your relationships become strained or you get to a different stage of development and realize you’re just giving and it’s not being reciprocated, you can end up feeling a little lost,” he notes.

How to save yourself from the savior complex

Changing your behaviors and the way you see yourself and the world around you may not sound like an easy task. But you can overcome the savior complex by first acknowledging you exhibit these behaviors and then challenging those behaviors in real-time.

Here’s what you can do:

• Offer light assistance. There’s nothing wrong with offering help whenever a problem comes up. But try and take a more passive approach to the situation instead of trying to control it. Tell someone, “I’m here if you need me,” and let them decide when and how you can be of help. “Sometimes, just knowing there’s someone you can reach out to is enough to help you through a crisis,” says Dr. Ford.
• Let someone tell you what they need. “Asking someone what they need and how you can be most helpful takes some of that pressure off as an individual to get it right,” he says. “They may or may not need what you’re offering. But if you ask someone how you can be useful for them, that can be very helpful because it opens the door for true communication.”
• Remember you can only control yourself. “Learning to differentiate between what you can and can’t control can help reduce some anxiety,” highlights Dr. Ford. “If you’ve done all that you can do to ensure certain things can occur, you can worry or be concerned about those things. But outside of worrying, there’s not a whole lot you can do.”
• Help yourself. “Set aside the same time and energy for yourself that you set aside for other people,” advises Dr. Ford. “If you love art, give yourself an hour one day every week to appreciate art at a museum or create something you’re proud of. Or maybe you love exercise or just sitting in silence. Anything that reinvigorates you is important to self-care and self-healing.”
• Define how much you give. “If you have the need to jump in and help other people, volunteering can give you a well-defined space to do that,” he suggests. “You don’t have to determine what another person needs when you’re volunteering because a need has already been identified. You’re going to a specific place to carry out a specific task, and then you’re getting out without overextending yourself.”
• Unpack your experiences with a therapist. “Counseling can give you more insight into how your behaviors affect other people and how they affect you and your mood,” says Dr. Ford. “A therapist can help you learn how to set healthy boundaries and learn not to give as much or place so much value in how you see yourself based on your giving.”

At the end of the day, saving yourself from the savior complex comes down to protecting your resources, establishing your self-worth and acknowledging that not everything is going to go your way — and that’s perfectly fine.

“If you value something, you place boundaries around it,” notes Dr. Ford. “The Mona Lisa isn’t just sitting out in the Louvre. There is a case around it and ropes preventing you from getting close to it. If it didn’t have any worth, you could just walk right up to it. But you have to know you’re valuable in order to build boundaries to protect your time and resources. Therapy can help you realize your value.”