What Are Twin Flame Relationships and Are They Healthy?

The spiritual concept of “twin flames” is a hot topic these days — for all the wrong reasons. The idea’s a dreamy one: Your other half, or “soul mirror,” is out there searching for you. Finding and elevating your consciousness is all a matter of finding your one special person. How romantic!

But recent stories of exploitation, coercion and abuse perpetrated under the guise of “twin flame unification” are disturbing. Disturbing enough that you might question whether it’s ever healthy to think about relationships this way.

We can’t answer that question. But registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, says it’s always important to approach significant relationships with intention and awareness. She offers us a primer on the concept of twin flame relationships and explains how people who are on that journey can maintain perspective and stay safe.

What is a twin flame?

“Twin flames” is a modern concept. New age spiritualist Elizabeth Clare Prophet coined the term in 1999 as part of a larger cosmology. Here are the basics:

In the beginning, you were a soul. A higher power split that soul in two. As each person, each half of that single soul, makes its way through life, it experiences karmic relationships. Those relationships teach you powerful lessons, resolve unfinished business and prepare your soul for reunification.

Eventually, with destiny’s help, you meet your twin flame: The person with whom you share your soul.

A twin flame can be:

• A romantic or sexual partner.
• A friend you have a platonic relationship with.
• A person you’ve only met a few times — who may or may not be aware of you.
• Somebody you’ve never met in person.
• A family member.

According to twin flame philosophy, once you and your twin flame find each other, you’ll work, possibly over lifetimes, to achieve unification — a challenging and sometimes painful process that requires healing and spiritual growth. The two of you rinse and repeat, potentially across multiple lifetimes, until your soul evolution is complete.

From there, you and your twin flame decide whether to separate. Regardless, your bond is permanent. And everything you’ve learned prepares you to meet a soul mate (or mates). Soul mates are separate souls with whom you share a unique — and harmonious — connection.

Are twin flames real?

There’s no scientific evidence supporting the existence of twin flames. It’s a spiritual concept that doesn’t have a clinical or psychological equivalent. And having a twin flame means something a little different from person to person. For example, some believers argue only a select few people even have twin flames, while others claim we’re all somebody’s mirror — whether we know it or not.

“Some people talk about twin flames in a really positive way,” Duke explains. “Other people talk about the concept as a mask for narcissistic and abusive relationships.”

How would Duke react if you told her you’re on a twin flame journey?

“I would see that as a flashing yellow light,” she replies. “I would want to know how that person’s using the term ‘twin flame’ and what it means to them.”

Whatever it means, the chances are good the relationship’s volatile. And that’s true even if the relationship’s platonic or one-sided.

“Whether it’s positive or negative, the term ‘twin flames’ describes a really intense connection,” she explains. “You’re on a rollercoaster ride. That can be fun but may not be sustainable long term.”

Signs you’ve found your twin flame

Commonly agreed-upon characteristics of a twin flame relationship include:

• An instant connection. Meeting your twin flame may feel like love at first sight, like you’ve known each other forever, or like you’re meeting yourself for the first time.
• Similarities and complementary traits. Twin flames fit together like puzzle pieces: You match each other in many ways and — where you’re different — you balance each other out.
• An irresistible attraction. Even platonic twin flame relationships have an obsessive, addictive quality. Your desire to be together borders on a compulsion.
• Passion. Intensity is the name of the game in twin flame relationships. The highs are high and the lows are low. You’re never bored, but you’re never fully comfortable either.
• Inner conflict. In your twin flame’s faults, you see your own. That both attracts and repels you, triggering insecurities and reopening emotional wounds you thought you’d healed.
• Boomeranging. Twin flame relationships have an off-and-on quality. Perhaps you were best friends in school and reconnected decades later. Maybe it’s a situationship, where the level of commitment waxes and wanes. For whatever reason, the partnership fluctuates.
• Feeling like fate’s intervening. Twin flame relationships often feel like they’re driven by a higher power. You haven’t seen your twin flame for years. When you finally do bump into each other, it’s on a beach halfway around the world. You never thought your twin flame relationship was anything serious, but now that it’s over, you dream about your wedding several times a week.
• Aspiration. Your twin flame makes you want to be better. To live a more meaningful life. They might also get you thinking creatively about ways to be of service to others or live your values.

If you’re checking boxes in your head, remember that new age spiritualism puts a lot of stock in intuition. So, take this (and any other) relationship checklist with a grain of salt. If your twin flame union’s destined to happen, you won’t miss it.

Still not sure if you’re dealing with a twin flame? Duke suggests asking yourself why the label matters to you. How would knowing you’ve met your twin flame change your behavior — and why? Are you looking for (or trying to dodge) an invitation to make changes in your life? Are you trying to excuse inexcusable behavior?

Stages of twin flame relationships

Depending on who you ask, there are as few as five and as many as 12 stages in a twin flame relationship. We’ve broken it down into eight.

“Thinking in stages can be helpful when trying to make sense of something,” Duke concedes. “But it’s usually too simplistic because human beings are messy.” Messiness in mind, here’s the basic gist of the twin flame journey:

1. The yearning stage. You feel (but may not understand) a void in your life. You may even sense that something important is on the horizon and start preparing emotionally and spiritually. Think of a hot air balloon. Before you can fly it, you turn on the propane, light the flame and inflate the parachute. That’s what you’re doing in the yearning stage.
2. The awakening stage. This is the “a-ha” moment when you meet and are instantly attracted to your twin flame. You’ve cut the ropes and begun your ascent.
3. The honeymoon stage. Like the honeymoon phase in other relationships, this is a euphoric period of infatuation and exploration. Your twin flame — and your relationship — seems perfect. You’re riding high. Unrealistically high.
4. The challenge stage. What goes up must come down. But every time you discover a new bad habit, a new personality flaw or a sore spot, somebody shoots a toothpick, arrow-style, into the parachute. You aren’t crashing, but the integrity of your relationship is compromised.
5. The test stage. Then, it happens. Turbulence. You and your twin flame reveal each other’s deepest fears, insecurities and wounds, possibly triggering a full-on existential crisis. In response, one of you gears up for an impromptu skydiving session. That could look like heated arguments, but it could also look like stonewalling, ghosting or the silent treatment.
6. The runner/chaser stage. Hot air balloons don’t love it when the weight in the basket shifts suddenly. If you’re the chaser, you’re fighting to keep your twin flame in the basket so you can grow as people and raise your relationship to new heights. If you’re the runner, you want to preserve your ego by jumping. This stage usually involves some kind of separation.
7. The surrender stage. This stage is called “surrender” because the runner decides against jumping out of the hot air balloon that is your relationship. They instead surrender their ego, get vulnerable, commit to making repairs and finishing the journey with their twin flame.
8. The reunion or dissolution stage. Congratulations! You and your twin flame are back on terra firma! Now you have to decide if this is the end of your hot air balloon journey together or the beginning of a new one. Whatever you decide, your spiritual bond continues.

That’s, roughly, how believers break down the twin flame journey. Now that you have a handle on the narrative arc, it’s time to ask what the stages mean to you.

Why does it matter what stage you’re in? Are you hoping for (or dreading) a change? You may learn more about yourself, your twin flame and your relationship by asking those questions than you will by looking for a sign that “You Are Here” in your journey.

It’s also important to remember that giving a behavior a name or stage doesn’t justify it.

“One of the things you hear about a lot when you read about twin flame relationships are toxic behaviors called breadcrumbing and hoovering,” Duke explains. “Person A isn’t giving enough. But person B justifies it to themselves as part of the runner-chaser dynamic — or interprets person A doing the bare minimum, like remembering an anniversary, as a sign of growth.”

No matter where you are in a twin flame journey, you always deserve respect and kindness. Don’t accept behavior from a twin flame that you wouldn’t accept in a “normal” pairing.

Is having a twin flame beneficial?

The same thing you could say about most relationship styles and spiritual beliefs applies to twin flames: Whether it’s positive and healthy depends on the person and the situation. For some people, these connections are a source of spiritual fulfillment.

“If you’ve gone through your life believing one soul is split between two people — and yearning for your other half — I would imagine meeting that person would bring a sense of completion or wholeness,” Duke notes. A positive, healthy relationship may also help you:

• Embrace opportunities to grow. The connection and unconditional love between twin flames can be a safety net. Whether you’re asking for a raise, starting treatment for substance use disorder (SUD) or moving abroad like you’d always dreamed, your twin flame will cheer you on.
• Work harder on the relationship. If you truly believe you’ve found your person, Duke notes that preserving that relationship takes on greater importance. After all, you only have one twin flame!
• Be less fearful about relationships ending. Most people who believe in twin flame relationships also believe that — while the connection is eternal — the relationship eventually ends. Knowing you’re bonded for life may make a breakup or painful parting easier to bear.
• Look out for lessons. If you believe your relationship has a specific purpose — to learn, grow and develop at a soul level — you may be more mindful and open to constructive criticism. Duke says that might make it easier to change behaviors and adjust thought patterns that no longer serve you.
• Heal. Destiny plays a role in lots of world religions. Many find comfort in believing the bad things that happen to us are spiritual trials or invitations to grow. Having faith in twin flames might help you make sense of (and move on from) a tragic or traumatic experience.
• Learn how to support other people’s personal and spiritual growth. The ideal twin flame relationship is a journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. But it’s also about encouraging your counterpart in their quest to achieve their potential. Having a twin flame may make you more empathetic and teach you what unconditional love means in practical terms.

The drawbacks of believing in twin flames

Of course, believing in the concept of twin flames also has plenty of downsides.

“The way twin flame journeys get described, they can easily develop a narcissistic quality,” Duke says. It’s important to keep an eye out for red flags like possessiveness, social isolation, gaslighting, betrayal and hostility.

Unhealthy relationships can happen no matter your belief system, but believing in twin flame connections may make you more vulnerable to certain toxic behaviors. In some cases, it:

• Opens you up to exploitation. Some people want a twin flame connection badly enough to give money and power to cult leaders and con artists. These are the kinds of situations you’ve seen in the news and documentaries. Duke recommends avoiding spiritual matchmakers and twin flame coaches.
• Damages otherwise healthy relationships. If you’re already in a relationship, the idealized picture of a twin flame union could make normal, healthy and happy relationships seem bland by comparison. Truth is, healthy relationships aren’t amazing all the time.
• Leads to risky or bad decisions. Thinking you’ve found “the one” can be scary. There’s so much to lose! Feeling a relationship is fated or pre-determined may make you move faster than you’re usually comfortable moving in a relationship (or in life).
• Becomes an excuse for abusive behavior. Twin flame relationships are supposed to be challenging. But as Duke says, your relationship might be challenging because you’re being manipulated. Some argue that real twin flame relationships are never abusive. Others note that the stages of twin flame relationships are eerily similar to the cycle of abuse.
• Leads to co-dependency. If you spend your life searching for your other half, you aren’t regarding yourself as a whole being. Participants in twin flame relationships may feel like they’re losing their identity, like they aren’t “enough” or that their needs don’t matter.
• Undermines boundaries. Do you believe fate brought you and your twin flame together to improve each other and heal old wounds? If you aren’t careful, that belief could create a sense of entitlement. Your twin flame has a right to set boundaries, a right to privacy and a right to say no. And you need to respect those boundaries.
• Makes it harder to leave (or let go). Spend a few minutes online reading about twin flames and you’ll notice disturbing statements like “Rejection is love,” and “No one else will ever love them like you do.” Remember, Duke urges: No always means no. Taken too literally, the runner-chaser dynamic can escalate into stalking, threats and other forms of intimate partner violence.

When (and how) to get help

All relationships require work and reflection. Working with a therapist can help.

Mental health support is always a good idea, but Duke strongly recommends reaching out if you’re:

• So preoccupied by thoughts about love and relationships that it’s interfering with your daily life.
• Unsure if you’re experiencing love, obsession or a trauma bond.
• Unable to determine if your relationship is healthy or safe.
• Spending a lot of time justifying your (or your twin flame’s) behavior.
• Feeling trapped in the relationship.
• Trying to make big changes to your life or partnership.
• Recovering from a traumatic twin flame connection.

Duke says being in a twin flame union can make it especially hard to reach out.

“You feel you’ve been chosen to have this special kind of relationship, but part of you worries it’s unhealthy or realizes that you’re unhappy,” she explains. “But the philosophy says discomfort’s OK because you’re growing — and growing’s an uncomfortable process. If you don’t know how to work through those conflicting ideas, it’s good to seek support. Your therapist can help you figure out what you want and decide whether that relationship is serving you.”

Twin flame relationship or not, if you’re being abused in any way, tell a healthcare provider or somebody you trust. You can also visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website or the No More Global Directory to learn about community organizations and resources that can help you.

Whether or not you believe in twin flames, you have a right to feel happy, safe and respected in your relationships. Asking for help can be extremely uncomfortable. And it might take multiple tries to make it happen. Gathering the courage to do it anyway is a form of radical self-care.

Is it possible a twin flame relationship will change your life? Sure. Could your relationship with your “other half” be singular and divine? Maybe. But never forget: Your soul is your own. And you have a right to protect it.